My Favorite Sin [Shin Hati x reader]

Chapter 10: Alone

Shin's pov:

The wind blew cold in my face. 'I can help you'. My brain kept on recalling Ahsokas words. There was a part inside of me that wanted me to turn around and take her offer. I could let my exhaustion take over. Maybe they wouldn't treat me like a prisoner. But after everything I did I was their enemy, not their friend and I doubted that they would ever be able to see me as something else than this.

Every part of my body was hurting and I knew my loth-wolve was just as tired as I was. I got off of it's back to let it feel some relieve. My legs were shaking slightly. I wasn't used to riding for such long times and I felt it in my muscles. But it wasn't only my body that longed for a rest. My mind was tired too and feelings I never felt before burned in my chest.

How should I process all the things that just happened and where should I go?

Our steps kept on getting slower and slower. I knew that it wouldn't take much longer until I would collapse and I doubted that I could get myseöf togheter again once it happened.
The loud voices in my head were running wild and I couldn't get one clear thought.

We didn't stop walking until we reached a small cave. It was barely big enough for the wolve and me but it would give us shelter from the cold nights and it was better than searching endlessly for something better. Before the loth-wolve laid down I took its saddle off and laid it aside. Inside the bag wasn't much food and water left so I needed to save it up a bit even though I was starving already. I tried making it as comfortable as possible and took the armor parts off. The floor felt already cold underneath me but I was glad to sit down for a while. Slowly to not wake my already sleeping wolve I shifted closer and leaned against the warm furr. It warmed me enough to make me slightly relax.

My eyes were getting heavier and I felt some hot tears runing down my cheeks. Baylans last words hunted me in my dreams and I watched (y/n) leave me over and over again. 

When I finally opened my eyes again it was still dark. The shining stars around me felt a bit calming but the bitter taste of the dream was still haunting me.
I carefully reached out to (y/n) trough the force, hoping she wasn't awake. Ever since she left I was blocking her out. She didn't need to know how I felt. I wasn't sure what she felt but (y/n) didn't want me, not the way that I did.

Once I sensed that she was indeed asleep, I let the force flow through me and she appeared infront of me. She turned around in her sleep letting me believe that she might feel it and wake up from it but she kept on sleeping.

Her expression wasn't as calm, as I expected. She seemed stressed. Maybe she had a bad dream. A part of me wanted to tell her that everything was fine but there was another part that wanted to kill her and all of these feelings I felt for her. Seeing her and knowing that we would never be togheter almost ripped me apart.

She whispered my name with her soft voice wich made me quickly break our connection apart. I hoped she wouldn't realize that I still tried to be close to her once she would be fully awake.

I took a few deep breathes to calm my nerves again. The cold made me shiver and I let my gaze wander into the distance.

The colours on the sky slowly started to get lighter as the sun began to rise. I had no clue what I was supposed to do now. There was no purpose left and all my steps felt heavier than ever before. No matter how hard or long the days were before nothing could compare to the deep tiredness I was feeling now.

I wondered how good my chances would be if I just returned to Thrawn. Would he kill me? Or would they take me with them? The thought about leaving this place didn't fill me with hope or excitement. There was nothing left for me. I had no reason to return, no one waiting for me, missing me. It didn't matter where I was. There was no place I belonged to in either galaxy. I started hugging myself tighly hoping I wouldn't fall apart.

The loth-wolve appeared besides me after a while and I gently petted the head of my only companion. Once the wolve started to walk off I decided to follow. If one of us knew where to go it was the loth-wolve. At least I didn't have to walk around all by myself.

After walking for an eternity we reached a water place. I refilled my bottle and sat on the ground looking into the distance. The water tasted disgusting but I was glad anyways. My sore legs hurted as I carefully streched them out.

When I finally started to relax I could feel that something was wrong. The loth-wolve suprisingly nudged me in my side.

"Do you feel that too?"
I got up and sat on it's back. The moment I was sitting the wolve started running the fastest I had ever experienced. I could barely see anything and held on tight to the wolve. The threat I felt started getting bigger.

I remembered Baylans words. 'Trust in the froce', he used to tell me over and over again. For a moment I swallowed my pride and the bad feelings and opened up to the force.

The connection to (y/n) was still as strong as the last time I reached out to her. Somehow I thought it might be different or weaker but it was just as strong as the moment we first met. I felt her pain and her fear. The panic that she felt started taking me over too. I felt how she was getting choked and how she got weaker each second.

"You have to fight (y/n), please."
I screamed at her trough the force. No mather how I felt and how badly she hurt me I wouldn't let her die. The thought of her dying had me panicking.

Even though I didn't know if it would work I tried to help her. Through our connection I tried to feel her oponent and push him away with the force. It took a few attempts and I still couldn't tell if it worked but I felt her being able to breathe again.

I hated how relieved it made me feel, how deeply I cared about someone who didn't return the feeling.

Something told me that the danger wasn't over yet and we continued running towards Thrawns base. The cold wind burned in my eyes but we didn't slow down.

Once we were close enough to see the entrance we came to a halt and I got off the wolves back. At first I wanted to enter but somehow I knew that I needed to be here. I looked upwards but I couldn't see anything. I started getting more nervously with every moment that passed.

My heart dropped when I saw (y/n) jumping from Thrawns ship. There was no chance she could reach the other side and as she fell I knew she wouldn't be able to survive it.

I used the force to slow her down as much as possible wich was way harder than I expected. The distance made it only worse but when she hit the ground I could sense that she would be alright. For a moment she just laid there before slowly rolling onto her side. I felt the pain she was in but I resisted the urge to get over to her. Our eyes met shortly before she closed hers. The pain I felt while seeing her was too much for me to take and I quickly walked off.

As the distance between us got bigger something was telling me that we were not done yet. The starship was leaving this galaxy and she was still here and so was I.