You can never be ready

Prologue

~~~~~~~

"Why won't you even look at me? Tell me what's wrong, Scott. I love you!" Sarah, my girlfriend, yelled. "Don't you want me anymore?"

I just looked down at my hands. It was the same old story. She wanted to make love to me but I didn't want to. For the past months we were constantly having fights over this very topic. Eventually I would give in and sleep with her only to have my peace for a while.

"I don't feel like it, Sarah... I'm sorry" I said. "Please don't be mad. It's not you, it's me. I don't think I want this right now. Try to respect this... please." I still couldn't bear to look at her now because I knew that I was hurting her. That hurt me aswell.

"Of course I'm respecting you. That is all I ever do." She ranted. "Maybe you should start to think about the meaning of a healthy relationship. I need to get out. I hope you can respect that." With that she grabbed her handbag and rushed out the door.

I released a breath I didn't know I was holding and got up to go into the living-room. I dropped on the sofa and closed my eyes, thinking about my relationship. Sarah and I have been together for almost three years now. One year ago I moved in together with her. Life with her was great despite me growing distant towards her. I still loved her in some way but I didn't feel physically attracted to her anymore.

My thoughts wandered around with no aim. I sighed and opened my eyes again as my phone rang. It was my friend and fellow bandmember Mitch.

"Hey Mitch, what's up?" I asked him.

"Nothing special, Scott. I'm heading to a new club later on. Life as always. What's with you?" Mitch answered.

I sighed. "We had a fight again. Nothing major but it sucks..." I never told him about the reason of all the fights Sarah and I had. He just knew that our relationship was rather complicated.

"Are you sure that this is what will make you happy on the long run?" Mitch was direct and honest. Something I liked about him.

"Yeah... it will be alright. It's just a bump in the road" I lied cringing at the words coming out of my mouth.

"If you say so... but you know, the offer still stands. Your old room is still available. But anyway... I just wanted to know when you're picking me up for the TV interview tomorrow?"

"I'll be there at 9:30. Please try to be ready this time" I answered and grinned.

Mitch chuckled lightly. "Yes, daddy. I'll be ready to go at 9:30."

"I hope so. See you tomorrow. Have fun tonight."

I ended the call and put my phone away. Talking to Mitch always made me feel weird. Like... a good weird. Especially when he nicknamed me. I liked it.

After a while of scrolling through twitter I got bored. And a little bit horny. After all I still had manly needs. It was just that Sarah wasn't the one to satisfy them anymore. I made my way over to the bedroom and got comfortable on the bed. I turned on my laptop and got one of those websites. I clicked on random videos but none of them felt right. Suddenly my eyes landed on a thumbnail showing two boys. I clicked on it out of curiosity. My mouth went dry as I watched the two men getting it on. It attracted me and I started stroking myself. I got higher and higher when suddenly a voice interrupted me.

"So that is what's wrong? You cannot sleep with me but watch porn?"

I was caught red-handed. I quickly closed the laptop but it was too late. She had heard and seen it all.

"Why? Are you gay? Do you love men?" she confronted me.

I pulled my trousers back up qucikly and rose from the bed. "No..." I started defending myself.