Music Playing: by Tom Quick
"You're old enough to know about that night."
I don't really remember how long it's been since Sissie had to go away but I know she came home not that long ago.
Apparently, she can talk to me about more things now and she wanted to give me answers about that night, the night our house burned down. She would tell me about that and few other things but she felt it best that I know more about what happened that night. "Ryuuko, sweetheart, I ask your forgiveness." she told me, running her fingers through my hair like she used to when we were kids.
It was quiet a bit before she asked me, "What do you remember about that night?" I remembered it better, I think. Mom called Sats downstairs, there was yelling and screaming (maybe something broke), then noises that sounded like firecrackers, and then quiet, before Sis told us to get our stuff, and we got the hell out of there. Thinking about it more, Sis smelled a little funny and I didn't know what that smell was.
"Mom called you downstairs."
"Yes."
"There was yelling and screaming. Maybe something broke?"
"Yes."
"Then there was these loud popping sounds, like firecrackers."
"Yes, those were gunshots."
"Gunshots?!"
"Yes, what else do you remember?"
"You smelled weird."
"You smelled an accelerant, Ryuuko, what else?"
"And you had blood on you but it wasn't yours."
"That blood was Mother's."
She would tell me that, now, with everything said and done, she could really tell me about that night. "Yes, your memory is quite correct, especially given how old you were at the time but there's some blanks to fill in. The 'popping' you heard were gunshots but what you don't know is that I pulled the trigger and that I set the fire." she told me, looking hella tired. She took my hand in hers and I asked for her side, rather, more of her side of what happened on that night.
"Yes, Ragyo called me downstairs, that much you knew, and, yes, I was beaten, however, I was shattered, Ryuuko. It wasn't a matter of getting the gun, it was just a matter of who got it first and I got it first. I didn't want to shoot her, dearest, but I wanted her stop hurting us and that was the only way to make her stop. As for the fire, I was scared and unsure of what to do. Mostly, I was terrified of losing my sisters because you two were all I had, especially then." she told me, with tears in her eyes. She was holding my hand tighter than before. Of the two of us, I think she was closest to me.
It was about an hour before I asked her about that day when she was hit by a car. I remember that day. She wasn't covered up like she'd usually be, no, I her scars weren't covered, and she didn't wear makeup. Her hair was messy and there was blood, dunno what she was wearing. If I remember right, Nonon got more blood on her hands than Nui or I did but we tried to stop her bleeding.
"You're old enough to know about that, too, Ryuuko. See, I got hit on purpose. I was trying to kill myself because, in my mind, the alternative was worse. I wanted you two to be free and, in my illness and trauma riddled mind, I felt death would do it. As far as I knew, it had to be my death and dying was better than losing my sisters. If you were wondering, no, while you did want me to leave, it wasn't your fault why I attempted suicide. I'm terribly sorry I put you all through that." she said, ignoring her own tears.
More of that day came back.
"Know that your big sister loves you both very much and this embrace is hers and I'm giving it to you. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, forgive me...."
"Where's Sissie?!"
"Where the hell is Sats??"
I remembered how Nonon asked me if Sissie left a note.....
"Ryuuko, tell me, did Sissie leave a note....?
"No, Sissie didn't leave a 'note'. Why would she leave a note, Nonon?"
"Oh good God, Nonon, she don't know what the hell you're talking about!"
"Eh...?"
"Nonon, she's doesn't know what you mean by 'a note'. She's still a little girl."
"Sis, is that what Nonon meant by a 'note'?" I asked her, near tears. She answered in the affirmative before telling me that, as she felt herself dying, her last thoughts were on me, Nui, and Nonon. Actually, as she felt herself dying, she had a bit of regret and wished things were different. "As I was bleeding, I wished things didn't come to that and I thought about what I'd miss but, mostly, I didn't have the time to tell you all, especially my sisters, that I loved you." she said, even more remorseful than she was initially.
At that moment, I realized what a lot of her "nonsense" was. When we were kids, I remember how I hated it when she protected us but, now that I'm old enough to know her side, I feel horrible. I realized what she meant when she said that she was never a child because her childhood was long gone and what was left she gave it to us. Nui and I were all she had and she didn't want to lose us.
It was quiet again as I realized what she meant when she said she was "never a child".
"Sis?"
"Yes, sweetheart?"
"I'm sorry for being bad back then."
She held my hand tighter and told me, after some more quiet, "I never held it against you." We started to talk about what Nui would do with this information and Sis told me she had to know. As we talked about this, she started to give more of her reasons why she didn't talk about that night then. "Much of the reason why I never told you was out of protection, as I didn't think you could handle it. Concretely, I think, having pulled the pulled the trigger, I found it hard to live with, especially since the act itself cost my innocence. Pulling the trigger was one thing but having to live with the memory was another. The other aspect was fear. I was eleven, you were seven, and Nui was four-and-a-half and, within, I think, I'm still 11-years old. That 11-year old is terrified." she said, looking at nothing.
It was quiet again before she told me that she, at first, thought about running away, just her, but she couldn't leave us. "If I did run away, just myself, I'd have left my sisters behind and I couldn't have done that, as we'd both be alone—I'd have been without my sisters and you'd have been without someone protecting you." she told me, with tears she didn't wipe away. No, she didn't wipe her own tears but she wiped away mine.
She did change the subject and asked me about how things were like when she was gone. I told her that Nui and I were pretty behind in school but we got to go. I told her that I thought about much of the time but prolly not as much as Nui thought about her, though, mostly, I just wanted her back. "As far as I knew, if I didn't act up, then we'd still have you at home with us—" I told her, before she told me, "Hush. I'm here at home with you now and I'm not going anywhere."
Authoress Note: Hi y'all, as y'all already know, this is part one of a multipart epilogue. I don't know how many parts of this epilogue I'd write but I know they'll be less than ten.
