Music Playing: A Silent Spark by Lama House
Such is it is, I think. I am home but still carrying out the rest of my sentence. According to the therapists, I'm doing rather well and there's a possibility that my sentence might be reduced. As Nonon told me, I have a second chance and, honestly, I think I'd be damned if I wasted that chance. As of late, I've been thinking about things in retrospect.
Years before, I would be self-conscious and hide my scars, the pinkish blotches of scarred tissue, reminders of that night. Currently, I don't hide them anymore. No, they're out in the open. Nonon told me that it's "progress" when I've stopped hiding them. At some point, I'd ask her how it's progress and she told me, "You don't have to run from the past anymore. The past is the past and it's just another part of your story."
I think about my wheelchair. I can walk short distances but I'm still in a wheelchair or on crutches, though, mostly the former. I'm not in as much pain as before, well, not physically, no. Emotionally, however, it's a different story. I tend to think of all things I thought would have killed me but it had to be my own hand. Thinking about it, I think I am more upset with myself for having put my loved ones through that. Eventually, I'll move passed it, somehow.
I think about readjusting to society. Things, I think, are beautiful, interesting, and new but they're also ugly and terrifying. I think of things I didn't get to do but I was elated when Nonon painted my nails for the first time. I remember that I used to wear makeup but I've never painted my nails at all. If I remember correctly, the Mankanshoku household did have nail polish but I never used it and I haven't a reason for why. Maybe it had something to do with my childhood up until that night. No, it's not important, not right now. Having my nails painted is another way of starting anew.
As I readjust, I think of the many things I hope to do. Painting my nails was just the beginning. As Nonon pointed out, I can't really dance, with my mobility being what it is, so I had to change that to something else for the time being. By that point, Nonon introduced me to records. She told me they were her family's old records and I concluded that I quite like those. I think we'd talk for long enough hours with the records playing as ambience.
She, Mako, and my sisters introduced me to cinemas and I concluded I don't much care for the noise. As I've learned, from my therapist, my hatred of the noise, rather the volume, is because of PTSD. She suggested that I get ear protectors to better cope with going to the cinemas, should I still want to go. I told Nonon that I wished my first time at those had gone better and Nonon reassured me that, with ear protectors, things will get better with going to the cinemas.
A few times, Nonon brought me around her other friends. I haven't really carried on a conversation with them, no, but I do feel somewhat at ease with them, now. "She's still quite shy, be easy with her." Nonon would say. Afterwards, she would tell me that I might get more used to them and, perhaps, socialize with them. I am quite weary of them, considering everything.
So far, it's been about two years in my conditional release. I still have a bit of time to go before my probation. At times, I think about this as I watch the birds in the sky. I can't fly, no, but it's nice to watch them fly, fly up so high, free as could be. Sometimes, I like to stick out my arms and pretend I'm flying with them. Surely, flying must be so nice. Before, I never thought to do that but, currently, I take a moment to do that. I think fondly of the time when Mako joined me in this, before my sisters, and then Nonon. All of us flying together, pretending to be birds. Thinking more about it, I may not be completely free but I'm as free as the birds in the sky, judicial sentence be damned.
At Mrs. Mankanshoku's suggestions, I took up journal writing. I've never had much to write about but I would write whatever and then I'd read it to Nonon or my therapist. In one instance, I composed a little poem. A simple one, one that would be summarizing my life, currently.
Such is it is
I suffered before
But, now, I'm a bit at peace
I am ill
But I am getting a bit better
I was frozen
But I am thawing
I was bound, shackled
But, now, I am constrained
By a sentence
Constrained but I am flying
Flying as high as I can
Like birds as free as the sky
Loved.
I told Nonon it was silly, as I've never written poetry before, but I think my sisters overheard, as Ryuuko said it was "pretty". Speaking of my sisters (and Mako), I think they're afraid that I'll leave again. No, I won't. I'll be staying with them. I think I hold onto my loved ones more tightly now, letting the know how much I love them and how full of remorse I am for putting them through so much. By a point, I've come to have (further) realized that my sisters loved me as much as I love them, too.
As I readjust and heal more as time goes on, I think I'm still sorting out my identity and what goes into it.
My name is "Satsuki Kiryuuin"
I am an heiress
I pulled the trigger
And what happened next is our house burned down
I was scared
I am scarred
And I am mentally ill
My name is "Satsuki Kiryuuin"
My trauma is a part of my story
Little notes that formed a chapter
(or chapters)
I am scarred
But I am loved
I am scarred
But I am beautiful
I am scarred
But I am a sister
I am scarred
But I am more
I am scarred
But we are free
My name is "Satsuki Kiryuuin"
And my story is how our house burned down.
All in all, I was born without a chance but I have new one and I won't waste it. I may be crippled but I'm still alive. I may be afraid but I'll be brave. I am not alone. I am loved, I am beautiful, and I can move forward, with Nonon, my sisters, and the Mankanshokus, leaving my burning past behind.
Authoress Notes:
Well, I wasn't exactly sure how to end this, though I think a bittersweet ending is the best one, given everything. As already noted Satsuki has a lot to work through. Will there be a sequel? Eh, prolly, prolly not, and I'm teetering towards "prolly not".
Still, I figured it'd be rather cruel to not give Satsuki something of a "happy end", so this is her ending, where her story is beginning anew..
