When The World Caves In |C.G.

thirty four

"Psst." Daddy calls out from across the clearing. We're hunting out in the woods today; something we do a couple times a week. Daddy usually goes everyday, but I'm only allowed to go every other day. 

When we're not hunting together, I'm helping in other areas of the prison. Wherever I'm needed really. Sometimes it's with Carl and Rick working on our farm. Other times, I'm with Beth and Judith. More often than not though, I'm helping Carol prepare our most recent kills to help feed the entire prison. 

The woman and I have gotten closer since Woodbury and the prison collided. We've been in there for a long time now, with no signs of trouble. Winter came and went again, this one wasn't as bad as last year, and even though it's probably April now, the temperatures keep growing higher and higher. 

Rick and Hershel are preparing for Summer, having planted more crops than the ones we did before Woodbury joined us. It was a lean Winter, but we've made it work somehow. Now though, we've got a real sense of community, a nice amount of crops growing as well as wild pigs and horses. 

I shift my gaze over towards where Daddy's looking. It's cold outside, early in the morning and my fingers feel frozen as they hold my crossbow.  In the distance, there's a buck's head peaking up through the brush. It's staring at me like it knows something I don't, and for a moment I'm reminded of the day Carl got shot; when I thought he was going to die. It was so long ago, but it still feels like it happened just yesterday. A whole year and a half has passed since the beginning of this whole thing yet everyday old life still clings to me like a vice. I shake that feeling away and look at Daddy who nods towards me.

Slowly, I raise my crossbow up into my line of sight. Inhaling deeply I wait for the deer to move it's leg just a tad so I can get a clean shot and kill it with one. Daddy squats, awaiting with baited breath. It moves just an inch and I send my bolt flying through the deer's heart. It startles, for a moment running ahead 50 meters before the thing can no longer go on any longer before stopping. It falls onto the forest floor with a thud. I let out a breath of relief. 

"Nice shot kid." Daddy says, clapping his hand on my back. I lean into the touch, letting my crossbow fall to my side as I lower it. 

"Thanks Daddy." I say breathlessly, we wait for a moment allowing the panicked thing to die peacefully without us spooking it. Wordlessly, after time has past I follow daddy over to the buck and we prepare to bring it back to camp. "This will go a long way, especially with the rabbits we got." 

Daddy hands over his crossbow to me so he has both hands to bring the deer back, I slug it over my shoulder.  I look around the woods, and I'm reminded of my childhood. My heart sinks at the fact that Merle ain't here with us today, watching me take down a deer all by myself. He'd probably be here yapping away, riling Daddy up, turning it into some sort of competition. He'd probably tell Daddy that he was the one that taught me everything I know, in turn he'd probably also take credit for my kill. 

My right hand finds it's way to the pocket of my pants, gripping the rubber duck that Merle got me way back in Woodbury. I carry it everywhere; considering it to be my lucky duck. While it was stupid when I first got it, I can't help but feel thankful for the kindness in Merle's heart when he snagged it on a run. Maybe Merle sent me this buck from where ever he is in the afterlife, I bet he's telling me to consider this my lucky day. 

"I always knew you'd be a better shot than your old man, half of his are just lucky."  I can hear his voice in my head now, and I hold back a sad smile.

"Yeah, it will." He says nodding, and beginning to lug the dead deer back to camp. I think he's been feeling Merle's absence as well more recently. Grief is a funny thing, especially out here in the woods where Merle's presence was always constant. It was always the three of us before this, but now we're just a lonely pair. 

With the newcomers from the prison, it's hard not to see how much is missing. Merle, Lori, T-dog, Andrea... They all should be here, but they're not. They would've loved seeing everyone come together like this. Well, Merle probably wouldn't but I know the others would. Especially with how much our group has grown over the months we've been here. Judith has gotten bigger she's probably about six months now, we have that farm I mentioned earlier all established with horses and everything. We even have a council for decisions to be made for the better of the community. Rick took a step back from leading, preferring to focus on himself and his children. I don't blame him, after everything we've been through? He deserves a nice, long, peaceful break.

 Still, the way things have grown make me think about every single thing that we've lost and the hole in my heart feels like it grows larger and larger each day. 

When my Uncle went missing, there was always that hope that Daddy and I would find him again. One day, he'd come back to us and let us know about everything we missed out on. That's exactly what happened. Except now that he's dead, it's this weird funny feeling that I've never really experienced. I've never felt a pain like this before.

I'm angry. Angry at the world that stopped turning. Angry at the dead for reanimating. Angry at the Governor for taking the shot that ended Merle's life. Angry at Merle for sacrificing himself like he didn't have anything to lose. Like we didn't have anything to lose. Like we wouldn't need him.

I'm sad. Sad that my uncle will never be out here hunting with me again. Sad that he won't get to watch me grow up. Sad I've already had a birthday without him being alive. Sad that Daddy doesn't have his brother anymore. Sad that I'll never see him again. Sad that it feels we left off on a negative note. 

I'm in pain. The most pain I've ever felt in my entire life. I've never experienced death in the family. Not one that counted, when Grandpa Will died it was a relief; even though I never told Daddy that, I think he agrees. Uncle Jess was just Daddy and Merle's Uncle, we never had much of a connection. 

All my life it was Daddy, Merle and I. They were my constants, even if Merle was just simply floating through life. Merle was there my entire life, picking me up from school, teaching me how to hunt, and simply being my Uncle. 

Daddy looks over at me, he looks like he wants to say something but the prison comes into view and I find myself walking a little bit faster. I haven't cried since the day of Merle's death and I don't plan on doing so any time soon. Reluctantly, I've learned to accept that this is simply how the world works now. 

It takes and takes and takes. It takes with no remorse as to how it might leave others feeling. It just takes everything you love and care about. Sometimes though, if you're lucky this world gives. It gives something like a buck wandering into the clearing right into your line of sight.

It gives a hundred people a meal for the evening without worry. 

It gives hope for a better tomorrow. 

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Shit is about to hit the mf fan