The Pain That Grows Us

Chapter Seven

Jason's words go around and around my head, even though it's been hours since we had our conversation. I can't shake the overwhelming feeling I had while we were talking, no matter how hard I try. I have wanted someone to tell me it's okay to feel like I am normal and I don't have a problem. That I don't have to speed to some invisible finish line because everyone else says so.

Fuck.

Did Ruby feel this way when I talked to her? Did she feel like I understood her and what she was going through? Or did she feel like I was above her? Did she feel like I was just another person trying to fix her? Even though she didn't need fixing.

Fuck.

I hope she didn't feel like that.

I don't want her to feel like that when I talk to her. I need to get out of here. I need to find her. So many damn words between us that need to be spoken, and I am fucking trapped here.

"Go to sleep Jack." I turn my head towards Jason's bed, my thoughts fleeing from me. "I can hear you thinking."

I let out a silent sigh as I turn to stare up at the dark ceiling again. I have too many questions, too much energy. I need to get out of here. I need to see her, but most of all I need a drink.

A drink would make the questions go away for sure. Well, one drink might not make all the questions go away, a few drinks would do the trick though. What would I give just to get a drop in my system. To feel the burn at the back of my throat, and the warm buzz settle in my stomach as the worries just fade away.

"You aren't going to sleep tonight, are you?" Jason all but sighs. The silent room fills with rustling and then footsteps that are quieted by the carpet in our room.

Before I can take another breath the lamp on the desk illuminates our room. The yellow light shines on Jason as he rifles through the desk searching for something, probably another piece of paper so he can write to his friend. I should feel some sort of remorse for keeping him up, but I don't. After our conversation I know we all have our bad nights, and I shouldn't feel bad for having one of my own.

The papers flutter to the floor as his fingers swiftly move through the ones that cover the smooth surface of the desk. I watch him for a few more seconds before staring at the ceiling again. I wonder if she is up too, if she is wondering where I am. Or if she is glad to be rid of me after what I told her. I don't love you. A shudder runs through my body thinking about the way I yelled that at her. I never should have said that.

"There it is." The whisper shout from across the room draws my attention back to Jason. "Now I just need to find the tapes."

"What the fuck are you looking for?"

"That friend of mine I was telling you about, she made me a playlist of sleepy songs. She said it would help me with the long nights, and so far it has worked every time. Thought you might want to give it a try."

"Are you sure she is just a friend?" I ask, if I had a girl writing to me as much as he did I would make her mine in a heartbeat. But to have her make him a personalized playlist on top of it? Fuck that shit. There would be no question about who she was with.

"She has a boyfriend, Jack. I am positive she isn't my secret girlfriend." he answers, shaking his head, "Even if she didn't have a boyfriend we wouldn't be together. We would never work in that capacity. Some people are meant to be just friends. Like Talia and you."

"Talia and I aren't friends." But we are, aren't we?

"Keep telling yourself that," he repeats my words from earlier, "Now, I don't know how big of a fan you are of Lana Del Rey, but that's what I got. And before you knock it, try it first okay?" He hands me a tape player and the headphones, and then he presses the tape into the palm of my hand. "Before you ask me how long it took me to get all the songs onto a tape, don't."