The Pain That Grows Us

Chapter Ten

"Don't make me repeat myself Jack. What the fuck is going on here?" Ryan snaps at me again, as if I am the one to blame for the lack of organization or communication in the program.

"I could explain it, but do you really care?" The words leave my mouth before I can stop them, and I could blame it on the fact that I need a drink or that I am just too tired to care if my words hurt my brother or not.

"Of course I care! That's why I am fucking here!" his voice echoes down the quiet street.

"Recovery isn't as easy as everyone wants to think." I tell him, catching the warning in Alice's eye. "I have had a rough few days, but the therapist I had wasn't keeping patient doctor confidentiality like he was supposed to, and he completely lost his shit today for no reason."

"Like I am going to believe that. What really happened Jack. And don't give me another bull shit excuse, how many times do we have to go through this before you realize I just want the truth and not some made up story."

"I am telling you the truth Ryan." I ground out.

"Jack. What happened? Just... In detail that way we can understand what happened."Alice rubs his back again, trying to calm him down.

"What the fuck do you want me to tell you? That you are right? That I am screwed up and a waste of space? That I blew my last chance? That you should just throw me out of the house? Oh wait, if you did that you would have to come to terms with the fact that I am this way so you don't have to be. That I see the dark side of things so you can have the girl and the dream to get the fuck out of doge. But the truth is this Ryan. I am trying for you and that's it. I won't ever be better, because better would mean I am out of my position and we can't have that. So fuck off and let me do what I need to do here so you can leave. And no, there is no pipe dream of Duke University for me. So face the fucking facts Ryan and let me do what I have always done, and survive." My chest rises and falls as I gulp down air.

The air is crackling with anger and surprise. Ryan stares at me, his eyes wide, as if he wasn't expecting me to blow up on him. Alice just smiles at me like she saw this outburst coming even though I didn't.

"What the fuck do you want me to do? Huh? I am scared. You are going down a path that only ends in your fucking death, and you don't seem to care. And don't give me that bull shit about me getting the girl, you fucking chose the most broken girl and she killed herself because of you so don't even go there. If you had gotten better you wouldn't be here and she wouldn't be dead."

"She isn't fucking dead!" I shout at him, I am tired of hearing that from him. I would fucking know if she was dead.

"I can't. You are fucking impossible Jack. How many times do I have to tell you? She is dead, and you fucking killed her because you couldn't get your shit together." Ryan is breathing as heavily as I was with my original outburst now.

"Calm down, both of you. This isn't helping anyone." She cuts a glare to Ryan, "Jack, are you okay here? Do you think being here will help you?"

"Someone fought to keep me here today, and I am not about to walk all over them by quitting now." I don't know what makes me say that, but from the look on Alice's face it is the right thing to say.

"Now that we have that settled, we should talk about what is really pissing you off Ryan." she glances at Ryan before continuing, "Your father wants to expand your territory."

"I know. We have been planning an expansion for a year now." The anger leaving me, this is business. I am good at this.

"He wants to expand before the new year." Ryan says cooly, letting go of his emotions.

"Shit." The word leaves me in a whisper, it is too risky to advance our plans that early. Not to mention I am not really in the position to help out with the expansion.

"You haven't heard the best part." Alice huffs.

"What if we just turn him in?" Ryan asks, like it is the most simplest thing on earth.

I don't need to be dealing with this right now. Not when my body is craving a drink and all I have are uncontrollable sweats and shaking that comes and goes. I should be thankful my body went through the worst of the withdrawals when I went through the other program.

"And what? Turn in the rest of the mafia? If you haven't noticed by now, this isn't just some run of the mill gang. We have advanced to mafia level recently Ryan. Turning him... It would make a mess that none of us would ever escape. If you want to walk away, that's on you, but I can't. Someone has to stay behind and keep him busy." Ryan's face pales at my words, guess he didn't realize the change in the organization.

"How much do we control?" Ryan's question hides the one he is really asking, how far does our fathers influence expand?

"I know we control most of the Bay Area now. He has been expanding on his side of town, but now he needs to expand on our side to even things out." My eyes snap to Amara who is walking out of the house, Miss Greenwald behind her with a box of her things in her hands.

"Leaving isn't an option." The realization clear on Ryan's face.

"Then we stay. We can still have a good life." Alice once again tries to sooth my brother.

"It's not the life I promised you."

"It's the life I expected." I look away, it's like I am interrupting a private moment.

"Are you almost done talking?" Amara asks, as Miss Greenwald slams her car door shut.

"Almost. Just some family stuff we need to wrap up." I glance back at Ryan and Alice as they have one of their wordless conversations.

"Hurry up then." all three of us stay silent until the door to the house closes behind her.

"I can be out of here before the new year." I tell Ryan, my grip tightening on the arm rest of my wheelchair.

"Don't rush things here. You need to be strong before the expansion. We need a strong leader. I need you to be strong brother."

"I will be back home before the new year." I won't let my brother take care of things that I should be dealing with. This is my mess and I have to clean it up, even if our father is being a pain in the ass.