The Pain That Grows Us

Chapter Twenty-Three

The weeks that I have been gone feels more like a lifetime, and maybe it was. I lost the girl that made my world turn, I stopped using the one thing that keeps my mind clear, I let everything go for just a few short weeks and everything has gone to complete chaos. There is no point in running from it. Not when I am back home in my bed, staring up at the ceiling that watched me hold the girl of my dreams in my arms for a night. Not when I can hear Justin moving around as quietly as he can so he can go start on his homework, even though he doesn't know that I am back. Even if it is just for a few more hours, even if Ryan will be up with the car keys in his hands ready to take me back to the fucking House of Recovery.

My shoulder aches as I sit up. I should be sleeping, but I can't. Not after the fucking night we have had. Not when I know that I can still do something good with my time out of the fucking house. So I reach over and grab the black shirt I was wearing earlier and slip it on. The fucking jeans are a nightmare to get on and off, but that's the fucking price you pay when you are in charge. You have to look the part all the fucking time.

I grab the knee scooter and make my way to my door. The one nice thing about Father dropping in on us like he did, is the fact that I get to be home again. I get to make things right with my family and show them that I am trying, that I know my place now.

I don't bother closing the door behind me, I don't have anything to hide in there. Not any more and never again. My days of hiding a bottle or three in my room are over, it is a freeing feeling knowing that Justin could walk into my room at any moment and there wouldn't be the heavy weight of dread filling me.

I hear him before I see him, I think he is the only nine year old who would get up this early to do his homework. I thought I was doing a good job hiding who we are from him, the late nights and even earlier mornings, but I guess I failed. We all did. He knows more than he should at such a young age.

A smile pulls at my lips as he holds his head in his hand, hair sticking up as he stares at the paper in front of him. You don't know how much you miss doing something until you can't do it anymore, I should have taken more time to soak in these early mornings.

What the hell am I thinking?

I had no way of knowing that I wouldn't be here the last few weeks. That I wouldn't have the opportunity to teach him like I have been since he started school. But if I did, I would have valued moments like this more.

"What are we working on this time?" I ask, making my way past him and into the kitchen to start a pot of coffee.

"Jack!" his voice barely a whisper.

"Hey, kid. How have you been?" I grab a cup from the cabinet and put it next to the coffee pot, it's going to be a few minutes before I can get the coveted liquid.

"Spelling." His lips screw into a frown as if this is worse than math.

"How are you doing in math?" I can't help myself, I have to know that this is what he needs the most help in.

"We took a test yesterday." he lets out a sigh, glaring at the paper in front of him.

"Well, okay then. Let's look at this spelling list then." I put my hand on the sheet and slide it across the table.

"The test is today." he says under his breath, and I take a deep breath through my nose.

It is never a good thing when he says that. Maybe I don't miss these moments. My finger taps the paper as I stare down at the words seeing half of them circled. I glance at the clock on the oven. I guess there is no time like the present to learn how to spell. Fucking three in the morning. I will definitely need the coffee that is still brewing today. There is no way that I am going to make it through the day otherwise.