The Pain That Grows Us

Chapter Nineteen

"I don't know what is wrong with him. He hasn't moved in hours." Jason whispers.

"He did just lose someone. He is allowed to grieve." Talia whispers back, passing me, sitting down on Jason's bed. She lays down and stares at me, giving me a small smile. As if that is what I fucking need.

What I need is to get out of this fucking bed and pack my shit. I told myself yesterday that I would leave in the middle of the night, making it so I didn't have to fight anyone. But when I couldn't bring myself to pack my shit and text my brother. I couldn't bring myself to throw my fucking future away like that.

I should be able to. I have been able to year after year so far, but now that I have gotten a taste of what life is like without having to drink away my problems, I want more of it. I want to drown in that life. Or the side of it I have enjoyed so far. Damn. This wouldn't be so fucking confusing if I could get out of my fucking head for a few hours. If I could just let go and live.

"Think I need to call Sam? Pull the cousin card?" Jason asks laying down next to her staring up at the ceiling, as if he doesn't want to spook her into leaving.

"I think he needs to call the one person that makes him smile. I think he needs to call the girl and get out of his head for a while. I don't think Sam will help with that." Talia whispers, she sits up and grabs my phone off my nightstand.

But I don't fucking care. It doesn't matter. None of this matters. Not in the end. I will just go back home and be that monster I hate the most. I will do things that make my stomach turn for no reason. I will...

"I think we should leave him alone." Jason tells the ceiling.

"I am going to call dad. I want to know what he did to Jack."

"He just opened his eyes to reality, babe." He trails his fingers down her back stopping her from leaving.

"He shouldn't be hurting like this. This isn't normal for him." she turns her head to look at him, either she didn't hear him call her babe, or she is ignoring it. I on the other hand am curious if he meant to call her babe or if it just rolled off his tongue.

"Give him the phone then, let him call that girl of his." he says continuing to trail his fingers up and down her back.

"Fine." she leans over and presses the phone into my hands. "Call her. Don't put it off like last time. If you are hurting she wants to hear from you. Trust me. Don't let her wonder how you are doing just because you think you have to be The Jack Hathoway. You don't have to be untouchable, you are allowed to have feelings."

The fuck is that supposed to mean?

Can't she see I am this way because I have finally started listening to my feelings? I wasn't this why when I drowned everything in a healthy amount of whiskey.

"Come back here." Jason wraps his arms around Talia's waist and pulls her down so she is laying next to him again. "Focus on me and not him."

"I thought you didn't want me." Talia whispers, pulling away from him.

"Just let me hold you."

Fuck. I need to get out of here.

I thought wallowing in self pity was bad, but seeing them have what I can't is worse. I grab my crutches and leave them alone.

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"Hey! You reached Ruby! Don't be lame and leave me an awesome message! Ttyl!" The beep sounds in my ear.

"It's me. Jack. But I think you know that. I have to believe that. Or I don't really know what I believe. Fuck... Ryan and Alice told me I killed you. That when I left you- that my words pushed you over the edge." I let out a sigh, fuck what am I saying right now? "I don't want to believe them. It might be easier for me if I chose not to believe them. Or maybe just deep down I want to believe I would know if you were dead or alive. And maybe I just don't want to be the monster in your god damn story. Maybe I want to be the monster for you, but not the monster to you. Shit. I don't know if I am making any sense. Ot if you are going to listen to this. Fuck. I might be crazy and talking to a dead girl for all I know. Fuck I don't want you to be dead. I hope that you are just avoiding my calls."

I need to stop talking before this get even more pathetic. I have a therapist for a reason. I can't unload on her. Not like this. She deserves better. She deserves better than me. She deserves that guy she was talking to.

"I want to tell you this is the last time I will call you. I want to promise you that I am strong enough to walk away from you for good. But I can't tell you that. I can't promise you that. But I am strong enough to walk away if you want me to. So no matter how much I love you, if you don't want me in your life I will walk away. Two weeks Ruby. All I need is a text or a snapchat message from you. Or fuck a voicemail. But if I don't hear back from you I will walk away. I will leave you alone. I will..." What the fuck am I doing here? "Just know that I love you and I will respect your decision. Whatever that decision is." Because walking away from you is the fucking hardest thing I will ever do. "Bye."

"When I told you to call her, I didn't mean to break up with her. Or whatever the hell that shit was." Talia says, closing the sliding glass door behind her.

"I thought I was alone." I turn my head to look at her, the metal cool against my cheek.

"Yeah, well I had to leave Jason before he started kissing me. He wouldn't forgive himself tomorrow if he went that far." she slips into the chair next to me.

"You guys are complicated." I sigh leaning my head back staring up at the sky, thankful it's late afternoon.

"You are one to talk." She hands me a Dr.Pepper, popping the tab of her own soda. "You are the one telling a girl that you are willing to walk away from her. No girl wants to hear that."

"It's what's best for her." I sigh, she deserves that guy.

"You make my head hurt. I hope you know that." She brings her hand up to her forehead as if she is talking to a two year old, a small smile pulling at her lips. "What happened to the guy that was willing to beat Ethan up? Where is that infamous Jack Hathoway?"

"He isn't welcomed here."

"I don't know about that."

I don't know how to respond to that. That Jack Hathoway goes against almost all the rules here, and yet she wants to see that version of me. Deep down, so do I, but that isn't a surprise. I may hate that version of me in the morning when the alcohol is gone, but that version of me wouldn't be calling a girl telling her goodbye. Fuck that shit. That version of me would have walked out of here days ago and tracked her down. Screw what other people want. What other people think.

"There it is." she mutters into her can.

"What?" I ask, dragging my eyes away from that pathetic tree in the middle of the backyard.

"The fire."