The Pain That Grows Us

Chapter Thirty- Three

"Thank you." Talia whispers, sitting down next to me on the floor, staring at the box in front of me.

"You're welcome." My fingers pull at the folds of the box.

"You can do this." she bumps me with her shoulder.

The last two weeks I have been going to my sessions with Dr. Jeffery, participating during the group sessions. I have even been helping Jason and being there for him. The one thing I haven't done is allow myself to be weak and drown in memories of Ruby. Hell everytime I start to think about her I find Talia or Jason and start talking to them, and at night when the world is quiet and I have nothing to do but think about her, I turn on the music. Jason got his friend to make us a second copy fuck she even found another cassette player for us.

"I know." I breathe out, she is gone. I know that, I am okay with that. As for my part in her death, I still feel that gut turning guilt, but there isn't anything I can do to change what happened.

"If you can get Jason to talk to me, fuck, to date me again, you can open this box." I can. I can do this. She left me this to help me, not to suck me back under into the endless pit of depression.

With a shaky breath I open the box all the way. The first thing I see are three of my black shirts. I left them with her after my first visit while she was healing. I wanted her to have a piece of me, even though I couldn't be there with her. My hands shake as I pull the shirts out of the box, the scent of strawberries wrap around me as if she is here with me. Fuck. Maybe I am not as strong as I thought I was. What if I just stop here?

"It's okay to need a minute, Jack." Talia whispers, taking my hand in hers.

I know that if I stop now I won't keep going, that I will never know what she left me. Or what her family thinks she left me, because I doubt she put all of this in a box for me after what I said to her. Fuck. I can't think about that. One thing at a time.

I reach into the box blindly and pull out a couple of her notebooks that she drew in. I flip one open to the first page and see a rough sketch of the tree house at her grandparents farm. I flip through a few more pages and find sketches of me when we were younger. I open a different book and find sketches of the school, of her locker, my locker. As if this was her way of remembering the moments we shared together a lifetime ago.

I can go through them later, I have a feeling that's all I will be doing after this. I might need to sink into that endless pit of depression and memories for a while. Talia takes the books from my hands and puts them on the floor next to her, as if knowing that I need her to take them from me.

I pull out a shoebox and I don't have to open it to know what is inside it. I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can handle seeing every note I wrote her and shoved in her locker sitting there. I don't know if I can handle having all of those memories filling my head right now.

"There are two more things in the box." Talia tells me, giving me a small encouraging smile.

She reaches into the box and hands me a jewelry box, and I can't breathe. I can't fucking think. I can't see that right now. Not when I know that it doesn't belong with me. It belongs with her, she should have been buried in it. Or it should be at her house in her room. Not here with me.

"Breathe. Jack, you need to breathe. It's okay, you are okay." Talia wraps her arms around me, hugging me, "Think of the beach, of the sun on your skin and the wind in your hair. Think about your family. Think of good things, Jack."

My lungs burn with the need for air, but I can't breathe. Not when I can only picture her in the water sharks circling her, or her on the floor in her room covered in blood. Or in her bathtub blood running down her arms and legs. I can't breathe, because she isn't here, and I am the reason why.