The Pain That Grows Us

Chapter Twenty-One

The graveyard hasn't changed much since the last time I was here with Ruby, the grass still freshly mowed, the surrounding grave markers still dirty, the tree still alive even though it looks half dead. The only thing that has changed is the new grave marker next to her parents. The one with her name on it.

Ruby Wilson

Her name stares at me.

I did this to her. I put her here. I am the reason she is gone. I wasn't the monster for her, I was the monster in her story. I was the reason she decided to throw everything away. FUCK. Here I was leaving messages on her phone, begging her to forgive me, begging her to just call me back. But that is fucking impossible now. She can't do that. She isn't calling anyone ever again.

But this is a part of life.

Death is a brutal part of life.

"I knew you would show up sooner, rather than later." Danny's voice cuts through the silence.

"Ally drove me." I can't look away from her headstone.

"She told me."

"She is good for you." That's what Ruby would want me to tell him.

"Ruby was good for you."

"I wasn't good for her." I look at the grass, I have to get out of here. I know the truth now. I can't run from it anymore, I can't tell myself there is a small possibility that she is still alive.

"She had a box of things that had your name on it." He lets out a sigh, "David wanted to go through it, said you didn't deserve whatever was in there. But I convinced him to leave everything how she left it."

The grass quiets his steps until he comes to a stop next to me. I don't want it. I don't deserve it. She should have left it for Danny, or Ally, hell she should have left it all for her brother. They didn't kill her. They supported her when I couldn't, when I let my own jealousy get in the way.

"Ryan didn't tell you about the funeral did he? He never told you that David and Alex both wanted you there."

"I wouldn't have gone."

"They blame you for her death, but they know you didn't mean to kill her." He runs his hand through his hair, "You loved her the only way you knew how to. With everything you had until it became too suffocating. This time it didn't just suffocate you, it suffocated her too. But beating yourself up over her death won't change the fact that she is dead."

"I heard you moved out of the house." it's easier to push away his words, to ignore the way they tear away a piece of my heart.

"I want out. Ryan wants out. Hell I think at the end of the day you want out too."

"Leaving isn't an option. Not for me. As for you and Ryan, it still isn't that simple." I sigh, taking a step away from her grave, I don't want to talk about this here. "We were born into this. There is no walking away from this."

"Walking away is easier for me. I don't know anything when it comes to the business side of things." he is in fucking denial.

"Yeah? So if a cop pulled you and said they would give you the key to your freedom, all you had to do is tell them everything you knew. I think you would suddenly find that you know more than you think you did."

"I would never do that."

I know that. But our father doesn't.

"Where do you want to go?"

"Why? So you can ship me there in tiny pieces?" he lets out a dry laugh.

"Father might if he heard that you wanted out, but not me. Getting out might not be an option, but I could set you up somewhere. All you would have to do is a few odd jobs for me."