fate | CL fanfic

twenty seven

I have this really strange feeling I'm not myself anymore. It's hard to put into words but I guess it's like I was fast asleep, and someone carelessly disassembled me and hurriedly put me back together again. That sort of feeling.

I just wanna go to sleep but no. My brain just has to go on and on about the stupidest things. I'm tried of it. I'm tired of constantly thinking but never thinking about good stuff.

I'm tried of being clumsy. I'm tired of messing up every sentence and every work I speak. I'm tired of messing up everything. I'm tired of everyone else being happy around me. I'd spent most of this morning sluggishly walking around the house as Charles had meetings and wouldn't be done for hours.

I tried watching television but nothing kept my interest, everything reminded me of things I didn't want to think about. Susannah mostly.

I sat on the floor of the shower for probably an hour, pouring water on myself trying to get rid of the overwhelming sadness. It didn't help either, I just got increasingly annoyed as my skin pruned up under the water.

The person I want to talk about my feelings with isn't here and I want to go back to a time where she was, "Eva, Cheri, can I come in?"

All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured smile and nobody will ever notice how truly broken you are, "Yeah- yeah come in."

"One of the guys said you were in shower again-

"No," I shook my head, lying to his face, "I had to get my hair out of the drain- it's getting longer and the note just clog it up."

He grimaced a little at that, "We can get someone out-

"No no it's fixed now, I'm quite handy at these sorts of things." I assured him, since the fight on the plane ride home we haven't spoken much. He'd thrown himself back into work like nothing ever happened and I've done fuck all.

I thought at the beginning it was his way of distracting himself from what's going on, like maybe a meeting or two, a negation, would distract him from the fact somebody had gotten into his house twice and murdered the number one maid and put threats on the dog.

Not to even mention that this someone also knew we were on holiday and had listened to our conversation, then again, he insisted it was safe now and everything was under control and maybe he wholeheartedly believes that. Shame is, I don't.

I have so much built up anxiety walking around every corner, I haven't dared step foot into my old room, every window I walk past that's marginally open gets shut and every guard I see I make clear to know their names. I'm driving myself crazy, "Oh, okay then." He smiled gently at me.

I think it was clear, that my mental state wasn't what it should be. Yet, he still never spoke to me about it, "Yep all good here."

I guess if he was that concerned he would have stopped having business meetings in the house, but he hasn't, I looked at my watch time, no I still don't have a phone, "Oh it's six."

"Yeah?" Charles replied confused

"I said I'd babysit Chiara tonight," I reminded myself, "They're dropping here off at six fifteen."

"Are you sure-

"Yes I'm sure," I snap "And I know you are having dinner with one of the business partners tonight, but we will manage."

"I can call it off? If you need help?"

"Absolutely not, we will be fine." I replied, his unease at me looking after the baby made me irritated. Who's he to say I'm unfit to look after a baby?

"Okay, okay." He didn't fight me on it, he knew better than that and he'd just tell the maids to keep an eye on me anyway, "But you will ask for help if you need it right?"

I nodded "Right"

He's been much different with me since coming home, less emotional, less physical, less communication. I understood, the workload has been time times more due to the impromptu getaway but he seemed so odd around me.

————

I really didn't think he was ever going to leave, Chiara had that effect on him. He loved her so deeply like she was his own, could hardly pry her away either, thankfully Marta had shown me some of the baby sensory that she lets Chiara watch and I'd downloaded it on the tvs for whenever they were around.

"Oooh look at that," I pointed, Chiara laughing cutely "Is that a dancing vegetable? Yes it is."

I didn't mean to talk to her like she was a dog, I read it was bad for their development but she's so cute I feel like I can't talk to her normally, she's crawling around and basically an escape artist for a child. I was in high alert with this kid.

She can roll over and now she can sit up on her own, she's developed a lot since I last saw her and that wasn't that long ago, "Mama." Is the only thing she can properly say at the moment but it was funny to watch her call Charles mama so often.

I missed being called 'Ev Ev' and 'Cha Cha' but her parents are trying to encourage proper words and mama is better than them I suppose

I think he secretly liked it too.

Well, not so secretly.

We were in the safest room of the house which I call the cosy room, it has no windows, a nice sized tv with a large bed like couch in front of it. The room is warm and has nice low lighting, perfect for relaxing in my opinion, until I heard noises.

Steps, one, two steps, I whipped my head around to the door which was slightly ajar. People were always in this house, I mean I was never alone, security guards were everywhere. Maids were everywhere. We even had gardeners now as they had to maintain the green house that I'd started whilst we were in Greece.

I haven't brought myself back to it since Susannah, too many memories, as I distracted myself with Chiara again the steps continued, loud and heavy. I knew to think nothing of it, but my heart was rapidly beating and I couldn't help myself.

I grabbed Chiara holding her in my arms, I couldn't exactly leave her here in a room on her own whilst I looked around at what was probably nothing, "Mama! Mama! Mama!" Chiara kept repeating as we walked down the hallway, it was more of a speed walk really, I just felt uneasy.

The closer we got to the main dining room the more I felt off, like I was being watched or something. It was quite frankly uncomfortable and I didn't feel any better about having a small baby with me.

My steps slowed, I wasn't sure if it was because the house was almost completely dark or because I could swear someone was watching us that my hands started to shiver, Chiara riggling in my arms, Charles hated the dark, the chefs hated the dark.

Considering it was eight in the evening it was odd for the dining room to be completely dark, people are usually setting the table at this time, and my lack of phone to ring someone freaked me out, the air around me felt cooler instantly "Mama..." Chiara continued, I felt bad shushing her but I'd never wanted her to be quieter.

Everything within me was telling me to go back to the cosy room, to find a security guard and make an escape but I didn't even make it to the dining room before I heard Bear bark, loud and clear, "Bear?" I called out in a whisper, he sounded near, he doesn't usually bark. When the staff were asked about the note on his collar nobody reported him barking, he was comfortable?

I spun around Chiara in my arms and the air was instantly knocked out of my lungs.