tears on my scars.

my soul is in the past.

My soul keeps telling me that I'm fine
But it's the reason why I cry
I'm scared that this is the last time
When I'm opening my eyes.

I know I'm losing my soul
I'm losing myself as a whole
I'm not the daughter that my mother raised
Because if that's the case, then I might just drown myself in shame.

Nothing in this world belongs to me
But I've still got a soul to lose
Begging me to let go
Wanting to get out of a black hole.

I look at those pictures of my childhood
Look at those innocent orbs
And break down in front of myself
In a hope that my past self would come.

I wanna go back to a place where I used to play with dolls
I wanna go back in the time when I used to listen bedtime stories from my father
When my career wasn't a thing to think about
When everyone was my friend.

It's so crucial
To even wake up
To see another morning and watch the sun rise
With no shine.

I wanna be alive
In this dead world
I wanna be fixed
In this broken universe.

I, I'm fine
I promised myself that I'd never cry
But here I am
Once again shedding tears as I die.

I don't wanna look back
But I wanna go back
I want the good times to me
Not the bad ones.

I deserve the happiness of the world
I deserve nothing bad
I don't deserve to be this much vulnerable
I don't deserve to be pathetic and pitiable.

I wanna cry in my father's arms once again
I wanna sleep in my mother's embrace one more time
But it's all over now
This is the darkest hour.

Those memories of my childhood
Traumatise me till date
All those things in my family
Which increased my hate.

I still remember what dad did to mom
I haven't forgotten a single night
I saw it all in front of my sight
I saw them fight, letting the demons win in my mind.

I just wanna live my life
I just wanna love and be loved
I also want to be with my beloved
But I don't have one.

I wish for being loved and left
Rather than staying forever unloved
I wish for being marked by someone
Rather than staying forever unscathed.

All the things that I wanna be
I already am
Yes, I'm in love
And yes, I lost.