𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐝 𝐰𝐚𝐯𝐞 || jj 𝐦𝐚𝐲𝐛𝐚𝐧𝐤

013

STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF MY DARK bedroom, I stare at Barry's bag that's sat in the corner of my bedroom. I haven't touched it since that day and I've to not even look at it since then. Yes, I could've thrown it out by now, but I'm afraid that if I touch it, I'll reach into the side pocket for another tiny baggie.

JJ has just dropped me off. The walk was long and quiet, but it was comforting. The blonde and I shared some words, but they were words that didn't really have any importance. I'm grateful for that because I really didn't feel like talking about any serious topics when I had just cried my eyes out to the boy.

The warm feeling in my heart as I walked alongside JJ is now gone. Staring long and hard at the duffle bag, I curse under my breath, stepping forward before dropping to my knees. I open the side pocket in a swift motion, the voices in my head finally winning. I grabbed the baggie filled with the powdery substance, standing back up and walking over to my desk.

I know that I shouldn't do it but I can't help it. The urge is too strong to resist, and I've been trying to fight it since the first time I tried that single line of coke. I thought I was doing good, but I guess not. As I pour the powder onto my desktop, that thought quickly goes away, though.

I press my finger to one of my nostrils, leaning down and sucking up the substance as I drag my nose over the lined up powder. Immediately, I'm hit with a wave of euphoria, my body feeling like it's floating as my mind goes completely blank and silent. It's not as good as the feeling I experienced in the storm drain, but it's close enough— close enough to the point that I'm tempted to do another line.

I shake my head at my temptations, knowing that coke is already serious enough and that the last thing I need is to take one too many lines. Placing my feet onto the hardwood floor below, I sniffle a few times, the only feeling in my body being the slight burning sensation in my right nostril. It's a good kind of burn, though.

The sound of footsteps snaps me out of my thoughts, causing me to tear the baggie off of my desk and discarding it into the plastic trash can under my desk, which I just realized I should probably empty soon. I hurry over to my bed, flopping onto my stomach and smashing my face against my soft pillow.

"Mar, are you up?" My sister quietly asks. I keep my eyes shut, not wanting to talk to anyone at the moment. I'm sure that I'll crack if I'm forced to stare into my sister's eyes. I can't crack, especially when we have bigger and more important things to deal with. To my surprise, I hear Kiara's footsteps near the side of my bed. Forcing my eyelids to stay shut, I attempt to keep my breathing in a certain pattern, wanting it to seem as if I'm truly asleep. I hear my sister let out a sigh, leaning down and placing a kiss onto my temple. "Goodnight." And with that, she leaves.

Once I hear my door shut, I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in. Kie is the best sister I could ever ask for, and I'm keeping these huge secrets from her. It isn't because I don't trust her, though, it's because I don't want her to worry about me. I know my sister, so I know that if she finds out I'm doing coke and tried to take my life, she'll lose her shit. The only thing she should be losing her shit about is the entire John B and Sarah situation, not me and my stupid problems.

With that thought in my mind, I feel pressure build behind my eyes. Don't cry. I sit up, slapping my cheek as I get off of my bed. The coke was good for a brief moment, but now a weight of guilt is crushing down onto my shoulders. It was supposed to be a one time thing, never to happen again. That's what I told JJ, at least. Did I really believe that it was, though? I'm not sure.

I'm not sure about much of anything, right now.

___