Love Persist

Kabanata 39 - The same cyclical pattern that seems to perpetually replay itself.

It was rare for me to get really bothered or upset about things na hindi naman talaga dapat maging big deal sa akin. Kaya naguguluhan at naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi naninibago ako sa pakiramdam na ganito. It was bothering me so much—every time I see Professor Gil with Sir Amores sa campus. It was not like they were doing anything inappropriate, and it was not like I have any right to be jealous or anything. Pero for some reason, I just couldn't shake off this uneasy feeling.

Perhaps, I had to acknowledge na I was out of sorts dahil hindi ko pa rin magawang lumapit kay Professor Gil even though huminto na siya sa pagsusuot ng turtleneck—a sign na nagheal na 'yong hickey sa neck niya. Iyon ang condition niya, e, once healed na ang hickey saka lang ako puwedeng lumapit sa kaniya.

I mean, I really tried to approach her, to talk to her, to get close again. But every time I see her, parang may pumipigil sa akin, at kapag nilalakasan ko naman ang loob ko, mayroon namang humahadlang sa amin, specifically Sir Amores. Walang araw na hindi sila magkasama sa campus. Students were even gossiping about them, na parang may something daw between our professor at dean ng department namin. At first, I tried to ignore it, pero dumadami na 'yong mga balita na umiikot at hindi ko na mapigilan ang sarili ko na mag-overthink about it. I didn't care if it was just plain rumors—the mental image of Professor Gil and Sir Amores together was still bothering me to no end.

Sa tuwing nakikita ko silang magkasama, parang may kumakawala sa loob ko. Minsan iniisip ko baka naiinggit lang ako kasi they looked happy and very close sa isa't isa, at alam ko mas malapit sila kaysa sa akin kay Professor Gil. Ngunit kapag naiisip ko 'yong mga oras na nagkasama kami ni Professor Gil, at 'yong mga simpleng ngiti at tingin niya sa akin, I can't help the tight feeling in my chest. I guess I just wanted to recapture those moments, to feel that connection again. Hindi ko dinedeny na namimiss ko siya, and probably deep down, I was miserably sad for losing that bond. Maybe I was just being paranoid, or maybe the green-eyed monster has finally gotten the best of me.

Oo na, inaamin ko  na.

Ano naman kung nagseselos ako?

Every time I see them together; I can't help but feel a certain way.

At oo na, masama ang loob ko.

Masama ang loob ko na tila kumukulo ang dugo ko sa tuwing nakikita ko silang dalawa na magka-usap at magkasama. Nakakainis dahil alam kong wala akong karapatan makaramdam ng ganito, lalo na kung hindi naman talaga kami ni Professor Gil. I knew I should just let go and focus on other things, pero ang hirap lang talaga. My exes never even made me feel this way. This was totally new territory for me, and I just didn't know how to deal with these unwanted emotions.

At sa tuwing hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko, I resort to cry—the usual defense mechanism that I use kapag upset or overwhelmed ako.

Sana walang pumasok na ibang student sa restroom, or else they'd think na may multong umiiyak dito. Maganda naman 'yong mood ko kanina when I left the house, pero dahil lang sa nakita ko si Professor Gil na naka-cling kay Sir Amores, parang pumalya na lahat ng pagod kong paniwalain ang sarili ko na okay lang ako. Akala ko I was okay to get over and move on na lang, na ganoon lang kadali tanggapin na I didn't stand a chance, but apparently, I wasn't as strong as I thought I was.

Ngayon na nga lang ulit nagkagusto sa isang tao tapos ganito pa ang kahahantungan ko. Tinalo pa yong mga break-ups ko dati, na never naman ako nagbreakdown sa labas ng bahay. At ang nakakalungkot pa rito, hindi pa nga clear ang relationship namin ni Professor Gil pero sa cubicle na 'agad ang bagsak ko. Paano pa kaya kapag malaman ko wala talaga akong pag-asa? For sure, I'd end up in a fetal position, crying my eyes out, drowning in self-pity.

Suddenly, may kumatok sa pinto ng cubicle kaya kaagad ako nag-ayos ng sarili ko.

"Heaven, and'yan ka sa loob?" Heidi called.