The Love We Found. [A.H]

20. emotions

It's August now, four months without her, four months of trying to get a court hearing again. Four months of cases, four months of holding it together. I'm not entirely sure when I started the fake smile or fake laugh, but I use it a lot, more then I should. I hate the feeling I have, the disappointment I have. I'd do anything to make sure no one sees my pain, I'm currently losing my mind while in my bedroom, the only time I really break down, this hasn't gotten easier, it's gotten harder if anything. I don't notice Aaron standing in my bedroom doorway, watching me hunched over crying, on my bedroom floor. I don't really break down in front of him or Emily. I did in the beginning but not anymore. I take a deep breath and wipe my face. Aaron was supposed to come over and I'm not going to let him see me like this. I stand up and run my hands over my face. I put on that fake smile again. And turn back around to my doorway for that smile to drop as I see Aaron standing there. I can read his face, his arms are crossed, his posture stiff. My heart drops, this is the last thing I need. The last thing I want to happen. Knowing Aaron just watched that. That feeling of disappointment rushing back to me. “Aaron-” I start but he stops me. I don't think I've ever seen him upset with me. He walks over to me, standing right in front of me. “Why do you go to such lengths to hide your pain?!” He says, upset. I understand why he's upset. His girlfriend has been pretending everything is okay when it's not, he has the right to be mad. “Because I don't need people to worry about me” I say back, I don't know why I said that or how I'm really feeling. I've always been by myself that trying to express my feelings has been hard. He lets out a frustrated sigh and calms down. “I'm sorry, how about we sit and talk about this, okay?” He asks and I nod.

We sit down on opposite ends of my couch. “Why are you hiding your emotions from me?” He asks and I sigh. “I've been by myself for so long that I'm just used to hiding my feelings…even when I shouldn't” I say and he nods. “Okay, then how have you really been dealing with everything?” He asks and I shrug. “Not great.” Is all I say and he nods. “I know this is hard for you, but you don't have to hide this from me, you helped me when Hailey died, this is my time to repay you” he says and I nod. “I'll try” I say. “Good, now come here,” he says, opening his arms.

We turn on a TV show and lay together. It's relaxing, calming, and makes me feel better. Even though I go through all this stuff, Aaron has always been there for me when I need him most. And now he's right here for me. He doesn't realize how much I appreciate him, and I don't say stuff often. As I'm not great at communicating stuff, but I'm going to try and get better at it. I groan as I get a phone call and I reach over Aaron to grab my phone from the side table. “Hello, this is doctor drâgos,” I answered. “Hello, we are contacting you to schedule a court hearing” the lady on the phone says and I sit up almost instantly and Aaron looks confused. “We have it set for December 9th at 10 am” the lady says. “Got it, thank you” I say before hanging up. “What was that about?” Aaron asks. “I finally got the court hearing” I say and Aaron smiles and pulls me back into him. “That's great,” he says. “It's in 4 months” I say and he nods. That news makes me hopeful, something I don't get to feel often. Something to look forward to. Something I can think about. Yes it's upsetting to think about the reason behind it but the outcome could be better. I could get Astrid back, I'm unfortunately going to miss her birthday in October but celebrating Christmas with her would be 100x better. Who knew how much someone can change your life.

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This is kinda another short chapter that I don't really know what I was trying to do with.