Anxiety is Nick's worst enemy

chapter 7

~ Nick's POV ~

My mom immediately kneels down in front of me "baby, deep breaths, what is going on?" I know i should explain it to her, but i don't know how and i don't want her to know that i self harmed earlier. "i-i-i c-ca-n't s-say" i manage to say in between sobs. 

I cover my face with my hands crying so much and i start breathing more and more quick every second. "yes you can say it baby, you can talk to me about absolutely anything you know that. I really want to help you but if you're shutting me out then i can't." she says to me and i hear worry in her voice. 

Breathing becomes more difficult by the second and i'm so scared how bad i'm hyperventilating "i-i c-ca-n't b-br-brea-the" i manage to choke out. "in through your nose and out through your mouth, look at me and do it with me honey" my mom tells me and i try to look at her through my tears and follow her breathing. 

We take a lot of deep breaths together and i can breathe a little bit better again, i stand up and try walking away because i just want to leave and lay down in my room. My mom stands up too 
"Nick baby where are you going?" "i-i'm going t-to l-lay down" "come here please" my mom tells me while coming closer and pulling me in for a hug. She hugs me so tight not letting go "i love you so much sweetheart, i really hope you talk about what's going on soon" she tells me and places a kiss on my forehead. I love the hugs my mom gives me, they're so calming and i just melt into her arms while saying "i l-love y-you"

And i don't know why but i start tearing up again, i feel so guilty for everything and making everyone worried. "i'm s-so s-sorry for e-every-t-thing" i cry out. "it's okay baby, it's not your fault just please talk to me and eat some dinner" my mom tries. "n-not right n-now" i tell her, wanting to leave this situation as soon as i can. I can feel my thoughts getting more and more negative every second and an urge starts to slowly creep inside of me. 

"okay then" my mom says to me and i can see she's a little disappointed. She kisses my cheek and then i can finally go upstairs. 

~ Sarah's POV ~ 

I just let Nick go back upstairs knowing there's nothing i can do right now. If he won't eat then i can't force him and i can't force him into talking to me either. I hope Charlie can help Nick so i decide to text him. 

               'Charlie'

7:16pm: Hi honey, Nick is doing extremely bad, he won't talk to me about it but maybe you can try and talk to him? i don't want him to suffer alone and shut everyone out, i'm worried. 

Charlie responds not long after. 

7:21pm: Hi Sarah, i'm coming over right now! I'm also really worried about him, i'll try and talk to him.

That makes me feel relieved. I know Charlie's presence will probably make Nick feel a little bit better. 

~ Nick's POV ~

I'm pacing around my room trying to get my thoughts to stop but they won't fucking leave me alone.

i can't deal with this anymore

i'm such a failure. 

FAILURE. 

BURDEN.

i can't function anymore i want this to stop

this needs to stop

FAILURE

I feel the urge getting stronger and stronger and i decide to not fight it and i just go to the bathroom.

do it Nick! You deserve it! 

i can't do anything right

i can't even live my life properly

DO IT

"no no no" i whisper when i can't take any more and decide to let the urge completely win.

~ Charlie's POV ~

I knock on the front door, worried for what i'm going to walk in to. I haven't heard from Nick in a while and i just let him, knowing he didn't feel okay. But now i regret not asking him if he's doing okay. Sarah opens the door with a smile but i can see the worry right through her. "hi" i breath out.

"hi honey" she says while we walk into the hallway. "what's going on?" i ask. "he's been in his room for a week, just in the dark. Not eating properly and having a lot more panic attacks." she says to with so much worry in her voice. "wait has he not been eating?" i ask, being really worried now. That's never a good sign. "not really, just smaller portions and things but not as much as usual. He refused to eat tonight too, he says he's nauseous and doesn't want to eat." Sarah tells me. "oh i knew he wasn't doing great but i didn't know it was getting this bad" i tell her in all honesty.

Now i'm even more worried then i already was, because this is exactly how i started acting when i got my eating disorder. This is bad. 

"i'm going upstairs" i say to her, not wanting to wait another minute to see how Nick is doing. "thank you honey, let me know if you need anything" she says to me while giving me a soft smile. I smile back at her and then i go upstairs. 

I take a deep breath before knocking on Nick's bedroom door but there's no answer. I decide to go in but when i walk in there is no Nick. "Nick?" i ask but then i hear shallow breaths coming from the bathroom. Is he having a panic attack? I decide to go in without asking.

When i walk in i see Nick sitting on the ground curled up having a panic attack, blood all over his wrist and he's holding a blade. Shit. "Nick!" i yell.