Anxiety is Nick's worst enemy

chapter 9

~ Charlie's POV ~ 

I've been sitting here for 30 minutes with a sleeping Nick on my lap. I'm just playing with his hair and all of the sudden Nick starts tossing and turning but not waking up. "baby wake up" i try. Nick starts breathing extremely heavy but he's still not waking up. "Nick it's okay, you're okay, wake up honey."  I shake him lightly and Nick jolts awake. 

"Nick hey you're okay come here" i try so i can hug him to comfort him. "n-n-no i-i-i" is all he can get out. "breath baby, it's okay" Nick stands up and starts pacing around the bathroom and i don't know what's going on and what got him so upset. I stand up and walk over to hug Nick but he pushes me away. 

"d-d-don't t-t-touch m-me" and i let go of him immediately "okay i won't" I step back a bit to give him some space and Nick is still pacing around "it's going to be alright Nick, take some deep breaths." Nick shakes his head no "c-c-ca..n't" 

Nick grabs his chest in pain and that's when i know it's getting bad. The moment his chest starts hurting a lot he's going to have a bad panic attack. His whole body is shaking so much and he drops to the floor. "Nick!" i run over to him and catch him in my arms. 

Nick tries to push me away "g-go a-a-aw..ay" i respect that he doesn't want to be touched but i'm not going to leave him alone when he's like this. "no Nick i'm not going away, you need me and i'm here to stay" he doesn't say anything to that he just curls up against the wall into a ball and is still hyperventilating so badly. 

I don't know how to help him if he doesn't want to be touched so i decide to ask "can i rub your back honey?" and i'm glad that he nods to my question. I rub his back trying to comfort him. "i-i'm g-go..ing c-cr-cra..zy"

"Nick look at me please" i say in a kinda stern voice because i want to get through to him the best i can. He looks at me with red puffy eyes, tears streaming down his face and it absolutely breaks my heart. "you're not going crazy, you're having a panic attack, and it's going to be okay, i promise you." 

"i-i d-don't w-want t-to f-feel l-like t-this a-any..m-more i-i c-ca..n't t-take t-this" he says in between breaths and sobbing. I feel so bad for him i wish i could do more and take all of his pain away, but unfortunally i can't and it breaks my heart.

"i know sweetheart i know" i say while rubbing his back. " we'll figure it out, it's going to be alright okay?" 

~ No one's POV ~ 

While hyperventilating and having negative thoughts, Nick is clenching his fists and pushing his nails into his hands to feel physical pain instead of all his thoughts. Charlie doesn't notice... He keeps doing that the whole time.

~ Charlie's POV ~ 

"Nick can you listen to me and follow my breathing? in for 4 and out for 6" he looks at me and we breath together for almost 10 minutes but it doesn't seem to help even a bit. I don't know what's going on and how to calm him down and i can see him getting so frustrated with himself. 

"t-th..is i-is h-hope..l-less, i-i c-c-ca..n't" he says while still sobbing. I don't know what to do but i thought maybe his mom could help. "Nick do you want me to get you a cold rag and your mom?" i ask him, making sure he's okay with it too. He nods his head and i walk to the stairs and kinda yell down the stairs "Sarah!! Can you come to the bathroom with a cold rag please?!" 

I can hear her jumping up immediately and she yells back "i'm coming!" Not long after she comes running into the bathroom with a cold rag. "is everything ok-" she doesn't even have to finish that sentence when she sees Nick on the ground. "oh Nicky"

"he's having a really bad panic attack, it's been 15 minutes, nothing helps i can't get his breathing to slow down" i say in a really worried voice. "oh gosh" Sarah says also sounding worried.

Sarah kneels down in front of Nick "baby can you hear me? she asks him. "m-m-mum??" Nick looks up at Sarah "hi sweetie, i'm here it's okay" Nick shakes his head no "n-n-no i-it's n-not" he says crying even more. "i-i'm g-go..ing c-cr-cra..zy! i-i'm s-sca..red, m-my c-ch-chest"

"listen to me honey, i know you're scared but i promise you this will pass okay? You're having a panic attack, it's normal, it's okay, it's going to be okay" Sarah says trying to really get through to him. Sarah puts the cold rag in Nick's neck and looks at him again "breath in through your nose for 4 and out through your mouth for 6" she says a little directly. 

"i-i c-ca..n't, i p-phy..sically c-can't!!" Nick says angrily but i can also hear the panic in his voice. He's so scared and i feel so bad. "Nick is it okay if i hold you?" i ask him, hoping he allows me to hug him. He nods his head and i hug him and start rocking him back and forth hoping it'll help. 

Another 10 minutes pass and all of the sudden Nick stands up again and starts pacing around the bathroom again, he's clenching his fists as if he's angry, but i think he's just frustrated and scared. "c-can e-every..one j-just l-leave!" he says but a little louder. "Nick.." i try. But he looks away.

"You're not okay right now and you need help, so i'm not just going to leave you alone when you're feeling like this" i say to him. I am not going to step out of this bathroom before Nick is okay again, whatever he says, i'm not leaving him. "Nick you need us right now, we are not letting you do this on your own"  Sarah adds. 

I start noticing Nick is clenching his fists pretty hard, i can see his hands getting bloody, this is bad. "Sarah can you leave me alone with Nick for a bit?" i ask, knowing that Nick doesn't want Sarah to know. "are you sure?" she asks me kinda confused. "yeah" i smile at her to let her know it's okay. "okay let me know if you need me sweetie" she says before walking out of the bathroom and downstairs again. 

While Sarah was speaking i kept an eye on Nick's fists. "Nick can you come sit down please?" i try. "n-n-no, t-this n-nee..ds t-to s-st..op" he says and i can see he's clenching his fists even harder, oh Nick. I notice the blood getting worse right away, i walk over to Nick and grab his hands in mine so he can't clench his fists anymore. "Nick, you're hurting yourself love" "i-i k-know" he says while looking to the floor.

"Nick, you're hand is bleeding and your nails are all in your hands" i say with a worried voice. "t-that's t-the p-point!" he admits. I squeeze Nick's hands slightly "close your eyes and breath with me darling" i say while letting my forehead fall against his. 

He closes his eyes and tightens his grip on my hands while deeply breathing. A few minutes go by and Nick is finally breathing calmer and i can't help but let out a sigh of relief that he's okay again. 

"that's better, i'm proud of you, it's okay" i say while giving him a kiss. He lets out a deep breath before he speaks "that w-was so s-scary" his voice is still shaky. "yeah it was" i admit. "are you feeling any better?" i ask him. "a l-little" he says while avoiding eye contact, i know something is up and i already think that i know what it is... 

"do you still feel like hurting yourself?" i ask him and he nods while looking away and he looks as if he feels guilty, but he shouldn't. "Nick it's okay, i understand, i'll distract you. Can i clean your hands and wrap them up?" 

Nick nods his head and i start cleaning the blood of his hands and then wrap them up so he can't do it again. And now i really need to ask the question that i already know the answer too. "Let's talk to your mom okay?" "n-no please i'm scared" "she really needs to know my love, we'll do it together" i say while wrapping my arms around him and we stay cuddled up on the bathroom floor for a little bit.