Anxiety is Nick's worst enemy

chapter 6

A/N: This chapter contains self harm! Please don't read it if it will trigger you or if it's too much! Take care of yourself and be safe. If you're struggling please reach out for help! <3 i'm always here if you don't have anyone else you want to talk too, you can always sent me a message on my tiktok: heartstoppernickandcharx 

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~ No one's POV ~

Another week goes by, Nick got pretty depressed over the last weeks, his anxiety feels impossible to handle, he's having a lot of negative thoughts about himself and his struggles and it's hard to accept for him that he deals with anxiety. He's not been going to school and he didn't talk to Charlie for two weeks now, he doesn't have the nery to reply or text.

~ Nick's POV ~ 

I woke up in my dark room and my mom knocks on the door. I don't even have the enery to answer so i just don't respond and she quietly walks in the room. I feel so numb. 

"Nick baby i'm worried about you i really think we should find you a therapist" "no" i reply a little annoyed. How many times do i have to tell people that i don't want to see a therapist. "Nicky i-" my mom tries but i interrupt her "can you please just leave me alone?" i feel horrible talking to my mom like this but i can't help it, i feel so empty, sad, anxious and numb. "fine i will, just please talk to me or Charlie at some point, we're really worried and i love you" 

I turn around with my back facing my mom, i don't have the energy to reply to her. My mom leaves and i'm left alone in my pitch black dark room with only my thoughts that beat me down"

Nick you are absolutely worthless, you can't even talk to your mum or your boyfriend, that's pathetic. How are you such a broken mess and a pathetic peace of shit. You can't even go to school anymore look at yourself

I cover my ears while crying hoping my thoughts will leave me alone and not beat me down any more than they already have. Suddenly i have the urge to get out of bed and walk around my room. I pace around the room but it's getting hot in my room so i decide to go the bathroom. I pace around the bathroom, until my legs are shaking so much that i just fall to the floor crying. 

I suddenly get an urge to hurt myself, i never had that before, this is scary. I start shaking and hyperventilating, i don't want to do it but i really do at the same time. 

The urge gets too much and i start looking through my bathroom for anything sharp and i lock my bathroom door. I cut myself on my wrist and it feels really good. 

For the first time i completely understand Charlie and why he does it. This physical pain is so much better than the mental pain. There's a moment that i don't feel and think about anything but the physical pain on my wrist. I like this, i know i shouldn't, but i like this.

I cut myself a few times before i take a few deep breaths and get myself back together. I hide everything so my mom won't find out and i drop back on my bed. 15 minutes pass of me contemplating life on my bed an then my mom yells up the stairs "Nick dinner time!" "coming!" i yell.

I do a last check to see if my mom can't tell anything if i walk downstairs and then i find some energy to get myself of my bed and downstairs. I sit at the table and just stare at the food on my plate, i feel so nauseous just looking at it, i can't. 

"i don't want anything right now sorry" "Nick..." my mom says and i can hear the disappointment in her voice and it makes me feel even worse then i already do. "no mum please don't" i tell her, knowing by the looks on her face she's going to lecture me right now.

"honey you haven't eaten properly for a few days, you're not leaving your bed and your dark room, you're not going to school, you're not talking to Charlie. i'm really really worried about you, you need to talk about your feelings this is not okay. You're keeping everything inside and shutting everyone out... I can't force you, but i hate seeing you like this. It breaks my heart sweetheart. Please try and eat something and talk to me." 

"i promise i'll eat something later it's making me nauseous looking at it i can't right now" I stand up wanting to leave this conversation but my mom grabs me by the wrist and i wince from the pain that just rushed through me. Luckily my mom didn't notice. 

"please don't go anywhere sweetie" my mom tells me in the softest voice. Suddenly it all becomes too much, the pain in my wrist, the fact that i hurt myself earlier and no one knows, my anxiety, my negative thoughts, feeling so numb, not talking to Charlie, i get so overwhelmed. 

I break down to the floor crying with my face hiding in my hands... When does this stop..?