Anxiety is Nick's worst enemy

chapter 11

~ Nick's POV ~ 

It's Monday now and i have my first therapy appointment this Friday. I've been anxious all weekend about it, i don't feel safe talking to a stranger and opening up about how i feel and what's going on in my head and i'm just so fucking scared. 

I have to go to school soon but i'm not looking forward to it at all, my anxiety is so bad. It was bad already, but it's even worse now. 

My mom and i decided i would try going to school 2 days a week and staying home the rest of the week because i don't want to miss all my classes, that would just give me more anxiety. So i'm going to go and try to finish the schoolday today. It's been 3 weeks so i'm terrified. 

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I'm standing in front of the school gates not wanting to go inside and then i spot Charlie coming closer. He notices me and starts running into my arms and i embrace him. "hi" "hi!" Charlie says excited. "i missed you so much in school Nick i'm so glad you're here!" i don't want to ruin Charlie's excitement but i'm not glad to be here at all. 

Charlie definitely noticed the shift in my body language. "Nick?" "mhm" "what's up love?" "i just- i don't- w-want to be h-here- i...i d-don't think i-i c-can" i stutter out while tearing up. Charlie embraces me in a hug and i drop my bag to fully hug him back and i just stand there crying in his arms in front of the school. 

Suddenly i'm getting irritated by Charlie's touch and i feel trapped. I kinda push him away from me while taking a deep breath. "Nick in through your nose, out through your mouth" "i know! i know how to breathe Charlie i'm not stupid" i snap. Charlie's face immediately looks hurt and i regret snapping at him right away. I take a deep breath and let out a guilty "sorry." 

"What's going on Nick?" Charlie asks me. "i just don't want to be touched right now, lets just go inside" i say and we walk inside together but Charlie still looks hurt and i feel bad now. 

I take a few deep breaths the moment we enter the classroom. Charlie and i have form together so we're sitting at a table in the back and i'm just looking out the window. I'm not in the mood to talk i just want this day to be over. My anxiety is killing me. 

"Nick are you okay?" Charlie asks me and i can't help but getting annoyed, not really sure why. "i'm fine Charlie" i say a bit more rude than i meant. "Are you sure?" he asks which makes me more annoyed. "Charlie i already said i'm fine just please leave it!" Charlie doesn't say anything else and starts his work. 

When the bell rings i stand up and just walk out of the classroom and to my next class. Mr. Farouk is teaching my next lesson and i'm not looking foreward to it. At least i have a little bit of space from Charlie now.

We get a paper assignment we have to write. I try to start but i don't now where. My anxiety is distracting me so much, all i can seem to focus on is my pounding heart and my shaking hands. After 15 minutes of staring at the assignment i get so frustrated with myself, why can't i just fucking do it like everybody else?!

I rip up the paper and stand up to pack my bag and leave. Mr. Farouk walks over to me "Nick what's wrong?" can everyone stop asking that fucking question to me?! What is wrong with people?! 

"NOTHING'S WRONG! I'M FINE! CAN EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" i yell at him. I throw my chair on the ground out of anger, grab my bag and walk out of the classroom slamming the classroom door behind me. 

I lean against the wall next to the classroom taking a few deep breaths trying to hold back the tears. Then Mr. Farouk comes out, great...

"Nick what's going on? You can't tell me your fine, i'm not falling for that" Farouk says while crossing his arms and looking at me likes he's angry or something. "NOTHING IS GOING ON I ALREADY TOLD YOU!" "Nick do you need Charlie or Mr. Ajayi?" "I DON'T NEED ANYONE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE FOR FUCKS SAKE!"