Anxiety is Nick's worst enemy

chapter 13

~ Nick's POV ~ 

It's now Friday morning and i've been dreading this day for so long. It's 10AM right now and my therapy appointment is at 2PM. I've been awake almost the whole night and now i still have to wait 4 MORE HOURS. 

It's complete torture, i am so fucking anxious this is insane. My whole body is shaking and my heart is racing but i'm trying my hardest to ignore it and not waking up Charlie. I'm not going to burden him right now, he's sleeping so peacefully.

I try sitting up in the bed hoping it'll give me some more space to breathe but it doesn't really help.

i can't deal with this! 

such a FAILURE 

can't do anything by yourself, always need someone and now you need therapy, that's pathetic

you're a burden

PATHETIC.

FAILURE.

BURDEN.

Negative thoughts start rushing through my head and the thoughts just keep screaming at me telling me how worthless i am. I cover my ears trying to stop the thoughts but it doesn't help at all. 

I start getting the urge again and it freaks me out. I don't want Charlie to hear or know. I try my best to sneak out of the bed as quiet as i can. I walk into the bathroom and i start looking in every drawer trying to find something sharp, i really need it right now. 

The moment i find it i break down to the floor crying uncontrolably. I feel absolutely horrible and numb. I start hyperventilating and the urge gets stronger and stronger by the second. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! i scream out of anger and put the sharp object against my wrist.

~ Charlie's POV ~ 

I wake up but Nick is not besides me. I'm confused but i think he's just in the bathroom. I've been awake sometimes throughout the night and Nick has been tossing and turning all night, i think he didn't sleep very well. He's probably so incredibly anxious about his therapy appointment.

I turn back around in bed thinking i could just sleep a little longer, but out of nowhere i hear Nick scream and i jump out of bed immediately, running to the bathroom. I debate if i should knock or not but in a split second i decide to just go in to make sure he's okay. 

I walk in to the most unexpected thing i thought would be going on right now. Nick is rocking himself while covering his ears and he's holding a blade in his hands. He's hyperventilating and crying, this is bad. I wish i could help him more. His anxiety is so bad that he can't handle his own emotions and doesn't know how to cope and it absolutely breaks my heart.

I run over to him and kneel down in front of him putting my hands on his knees "Nick, deep breaths my love" i remind him, knowing that he doesn't know how to breath properly in situations like this. I try to grab the blade out of his hand but he's grabbing onto it tighter when i try to.

"Nick i need you to give me it, it's not safe for you to hold that" i tell him and he shakes his head no, not wanting to give it to me, this is going to be hard. "i-i-i n-nee-d i-it!" he says to me holding it against his wrist. "Nick no!" i panic. I don't want him to hurt himself but i don't know how to stop him. I know like nobody else how hard it is to resist an urge and not doing it when you need too. 

"Nick look at me! Please give me the blade, you don't need to do this, you don't deserve that, we are going to figure everything out. I know you're having a hard time right now, but this is not going to help you feel less anxious in the long run" i try to get through to him and i think i did because he puts the blade down on the ground and i sigh out of relief.