Anxiety is Nick's worst enemy

chapter 8

~ Charlie's POV ~ 

I run over to Nick and kneel down in front of him. "Nick please give me te blade" i say a little panicked. "what is going on?" i ask him, worried. Nick doesn't respond to me and is just hyperventilating and crying like crazy and i can't seem to get through to him. He's just staring absently at me and then back at his wrists and then at me again with panic written all over his face.

"Nick follow my breathing, deep breaths in through your nose and slowly out through your mouth." Nick doesn't respond or react to me talking at all and it's really worrying me. "Nick..?? Nick can you hear me?" 

~ Nick's POV ~ 

My thoughts are screaming at me all at once in my head and it makes my freaking head hurt, my ears are ringing so loudly and i can see Charlie trying to talk to me but i can't hear anything he's saying. I'm still holding onto the blade and it feels nice to still have some pain from it without Charlie knowing.

Charlie gets his phone out and starts typing on it. 'can you hear me?'  I shake my head no and try to explain why "m-my e-ear-s! r-ring-ing!" Charlie looks at me concerned and starts writing againg 'can you try and follow my breathing baby?'  I nod my head again and Charlie sits down in front of me.

I close my eyes and i feel Charlie's breathing and i'm trying my hardest to match my breathing to his. It takes me a while but eventually i calmed down a bit and i open my eyes again letting out a deep breath. "can you hear me now?" "mhm" "can you give me the blade?" shit. no. i don't want to give it away! i need to have it! "n-no" i say hesitantly. "yes Nick, you shouldn't hold that right now, please give it to me" Charlie says while sounding worried but also stern. And i know he's right, i shouldn't hold this right now, so i give in. "f-fine" I let go of it and hand it to Charlie. He grabs it out of my hand and hides it out of my sight. 

"have you ever done this before? or felt like doing it?" I'm debating in my head if i should be honest but i know i really should. "y-yeah, s-sor-ry" I hide my face in my hands feeling so guilty now. Charlie grabs my hands away and holds my chin up to give me a kiss. "It's okay Nick" he reassures me. "when was that?" he asks. 

"e-earlier t-today i d-did i-it, b-but t-that was t-the f-first t-time i d-did it" i assure him. "b-but it h-helped so i w-wanted to do it a-again b-because it f-feels g-good and i d-deserve i-it" i admit to him while completely breaking down in tears. "oh Nick baby come here" Charlie says to me while wrapping his arms around me and hugging me tightly. 

"you don't deserve any of this pain babe, i'm serious, please keep remembering those words" Charlie says to me while looking at me to make sure i take those words in. "can you please talk to me? i knew you were feeling really bad but i didn't know it was this bad. You haven't been in school and your mom told me you haven't been eating properly Nick, that worries me a lot and you're mom is worried too. We want to help you, you shouldn't bottle up all your feelings because it'll get too much too handle. Can you please try to tell me how you feel and why you felt like hurting yourself my love?" 

I know i need to be honest, but why is it so damn hard and scary??! 

"i- uhmm- yeah- o-okay i'll t-try" i manage to get out. "take your time, deep breaths, i'm here for you Nick" I try to speak but i can already feel the tears coming and soon i am full on crying. 

"i'm just h-having s-so much a-anxiety on a daily b-base, i feel h-horrible 24/7, it's t-too m-much to h-handle. School is too much, l-life in general feels t-too m-much. I-i've been feeling p-pretty down and d-depressed the last few w-weeks. I just dont w-want to l-live like this, i-i can't live like this. I can't t-take it i w-want it to stop Char." i say in between sobs. Charlie hugs me while i take a few deep breaths trying to continue. 

"i'm just constantly nauseous from stress it makes me don't want to eat, but also it feels really good to have control. I can't control my anxiety and my feelings so i'm finding comfort in controlling my eating and my physical pain. I'm sorry Char..." i say while looking down to my lap. He lifts my chin back up and before he can say anything i continue "but i really understand you now, it feels too good to stop. I much rather have physical pain caused and controlled by me then all these emotional feelings that i can't do anything about." i ramble out. 

"i completely understand what you're saying baby, i do. But i really think you need to find a therpist for the right help, i know you really don't want too but i think it can really help you and give you better coping skills." i know Charlie is right but i'm too scared for all of this. 

"i'm too scared to tell anyone about this, i- i- f-feel-" i start crying even more and hide my face in my hands. "it's okay baby it's okay" Charlie rubs my back "you can tell me" and i know i can but it's still really hard to say your feelings out loud. 

"i f-feel like a-a f-failure.. i c-can't do a-any..t-thing without a-anxiety! I c-cant even live l-life properly!" i ramble out in between breaths. "sweetheart come here" the way he said sweetheart absolutely melts my heart. He pulls me into his chest and rubs my back while holding me and kissing the top of my head. 

"i'm so sorry you feel like that, i promise you, you're not! You're the best boyfriend ever, you're an amzing person and i love you so incredibly much" this boy melts my heart with everything that comes out of his mouth. "i l-love you so m-much t-too Char" Charlie gives me a kiss and then pulls away, i didn't want him to pull away yet... 

"can i see your wrists and clean them up?" i hesitantly nod my head and i show Charlie my arms. The moment i do so i look away while tears fill my eyes again. I don't want to see what i did to myself. 

Charlie cleans it up and i know he's doing it as quick as possible for me. When he's done he hugs me and turns my head so i'm looking right into his beautiful eyes "my love look at me" he says. "i know this is not nothing. And doing this for the first time can be really overwhelming and scary. How are you feeling?" Charlie asks me and i love how he's taking care of me so much. He's amazing. 

"i was afraid of my own thoughts earlier today. It became so much all at once and i couldn't take any of it, i never felt so overwhelmed like that before and it was really scary" i admit, trying not to tear up AGAIN. "i don't want it to happen again, but i'm scared it will. It felt good, i dont want that... But it felt good" i tell him honestly. 

"i know you don't want that but it's going to be okay, we can talk your mom. Please text or call me or talk to your mom if you ever feel like that again baby, i know it's scary and i'm here to help, any time of the day" he says, i swear he's making me fall in love with him even more and more. "thank you love" i say.

"should we go talk to your mom?" Charlie asks me but before he finished that sentence all the way i already yelled "NO!" Charlie looks at me concerned and confused on why i just yelled. "sorry.. i don't want her to be mad and disappointed" i admit while looking down. 

"she won't baby, she loves you so much and she's worried about you she really wants to help you but doesn't know how because she doesn't know what's going on. I think talking to her would really help" Charlie tries and i can't lie when i say he's right. But i'm not ready yet. 

"hmm maybe later, i'm scared and just really tired and overwhelmed right now" "that's okay, we'll do it in your pace" Charlie reassures me. "i love you" i say while he hugs me and i slowly feel myself falling asleep in his lap. I hear him whisper "i love you sweetie" before i completely fall asleep in his arms.