Daddy Didn't Love Me // Lawlorff

Nineteen

A week went by from the incident and Kian was back home with me at last. He'd been told he has to take off work for two weeks and I needed to stay with him at all times to eliminate any risk of him offing himself. I knew that it was a distinct possibility, no matter how much I didn't want to believe that it could be true. 

His sparkling eyes were now cold and distant when they looked at me, which terrified me. He had dark circles under his eyes and he looked dead inside. His cheekbones were prominent, but that was only because the depression pills made him lose weight even moreso. I hated it. It looked to me like he was internally combusting, turning into a skeleton. The sick part, however, is that he wanted it. He liked becoming thin. I had been there, that's for certain, but it hurt me immensely seeing someone I loved that way. 

He sat on the bed and laid back against the headboard. I sat next to him and he smiled vaguely. 

"I don't know how to be happy anymore," he admitted. 

I held his hand. "I'll help you. Just try." 

He kissed my neck and then laid his head upon my shoulder. "I love you, Sam." 

I smiled down at him. "I love you too." 

He looked like a drunken mess, but I knew he was just tired. He laid down and began to cry pools into the sheets. "Look at me, I'm a fucking catastrophe. I'm a purging little bitch who can't find himself happy anymore even when he's with the best boyfriend in the fucking world. You deserve better than me." 

I shook my head. "No, you...you're perfect Kian. Stop going on and saying your not, it's all lies." 

I hugged him tightly and he sobbed. "I'm scared," he poured out into my shirt sleeve. 

"Of what?" 

He looked me deadset in the eyes and frowned. "Myself." 

"What do you mean?" I asked. 

"I think that I'm going to kill myself. I..I don't want to live any more Sammy. I love you. You deserve someone better than me." 

I started crying. "Don't you fucking dare, Kian. Don't you fucking dare. Do you know what would happen to me if you killed yourself?" 

He was silent. 

"I would die. If I didn't actually try and kill myself too, I'd be dead inside, heartbroken, for the rest of my life. Devastated." 

"No you wouldn't. You probably would move on about a week later," he whispered. 

I pulled his face up to mine by his cheeks. "I love you. I'm never going to love anyone else. Ever. I don't even think it's possible at this point. It's ride or die baby! Either we both go or none of us do, and to be honest, I'd prefer the second option." 

He smiled and kissed me. 

I hugged his blatantly terrifying ribcage and heard a snap. 

"Shit are you okay?" 

He nodded. "Happens all the time." 

He hugged me again and wiped his eyes. 

"Don't ever leave me." 

I smiled. "Never."