Sex, Alcohol and Lee Minho - Minsung

Chapter 44

"It was like ... Fighting with myself ... For hours and days" Jisung said, head laying on Minho's lap as he held Minho's pillow in his arms tightly.

"What was going in your little head, mmh ?" Minho asked, hand continously caressing the strands of his soft hair.

"Torture ... I went through a tough cycle ... I could only picture and replay all the time I passed being the little beaten boy I was. And I didn't even think of you, I didn't think of you beating me, I had just brough myself years ago and replayed it, over and over" Jisung tried to explain "I was there again, I was hurt again, I was repeating that cycle and I had again lost whatever the l word meant"

"It's over, honey" Minho said softly

"I know now ... But I freaked out ..." He sighed shakily "I thought you were playing me ... That everyone in this world wanted nothing more than to break me again and again and that I'll never get out of this"

"You have all the rights to. It's normal, it happened and we can't do anything about it" Minho reassured

"I-" He breathed out, lips quivering "It must have hurt you" 

"The thought of losing you did scare me" Minho admitted

"I don't hate you anymore" Jisung said, looking up at his eyes and raising a hand to his cheek "I'll be honest, and I did hate you for a moment. I genuinely thought you were lying and I really believed you played me" 

"Hann-"

"I wasn't being rational, I promise" Jisung cut off, not wanting to hurt the boy more "If I wanted you away, it's just because I was so scared. You know Minho, you have that huge power on me. A power that if you actually would want to use it against me, I wouldn't be able to overpower. And that scared me, because however you're not the man he was, you could have done the exact same thing and I would have blindlessly and dumbly repeated history. Because I'm weak, and I can't protect myself" Jisung admitted, eyes filling with tears "I hated the idea you made the l word grew on me and that I would have to throw it away"

"I never wanted to make you doubt love more" Minho said, saddening.

"I wouldn't doubt you anymore" Jisung responded "What happened exactly ?"

"That boy talked about you, and I may have responded a bit too sassily for his liking so he pushed me. I don't know if it was irrational and sudden 'violence', or if I just wanted to protect myself and do the same, but I pushed back. I won't lie to you, I did that" Minho sighed "He fell, so I helped him up, and I just left, I wanted to act as if that shit didn't happen.

"I took some time to reflect" Jisung said, smiling softly "We all do have sudden pulsion, don't we ? Maybe if I wasn't so idiot and traumatized, I would push back too"

"I was scared myself of not being enough. I did ask myself if I wasn't actually violent and if you should stick to your decision and stay away from me" Minho confessed, wincing

"And I thank you for thinking so much for me once again" Jisung smiled sadly "You just keep on thinking of others before thinking about you Huh ? Minho, you protected yourself, it's alright" 

"I'm sorry I triggered you" Minho apologized

"I'm sorry I said those words to you" Jisung apologized

"I'd forgive you again and again" Minho smiled softly "Never feel guilty for something you can't have the upper hand on"

"You neither then" Jisung smiled back "You aren't responsible of my fucked up schemes, and aren't responsible of other people's mistakes"

Minho could only stare at his face, afraid it could disappear the next second.