Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 1158 - 1358

Entry 1163: Tuesday 3rd December 2019

Entry 1163
Tuesday 3rd December 2019

I've just had a right go at Naomi! I'm so p*ssed off! Me and her are definitely over!

I wet back to work at the prison today, and after my shift of mopping floors and wiping surfaces I went home, spent some time with Leo and then answered the many questions thrown at me by Mum and Auntie Meryl. "So come on," said Auntie Meryl, "What's all this that's going on with you and Nomey." "Naomi," I said. "Who?" asked Auntie Meryl. "I think we need to split up," I said. "What for?" asked Mum, "What have you done?" "Why do you always assume it's ME that's done something?" I snapped. "Because you always screw things up," said Mum. "At least he doesn't screw anything in trousers you old slapper," Auntie Meryl snapped at Mum, "He's your son and he's clearly going through heartache. You shouldn't be having a go at him. You should be giving him care, and love, and support." "Thank you, Auntie Meryl," I said, "It's all been really getting to me." "Oh, shut up," Auntie Meryl firmly said to me, "stop feeling sorry for yourself, get up off your arse, get round to Namey's and sort this mess out." "You don't know what she's done!" I exclaimed. "Did she say your teeth are too yellow?" asked Mum, "I told you to get them sorting. You drink too much tea. That's why they're so stained." "She didn't mention anything about my f*cking teeth!" I snapped. "What was it then?" asked Mum, "Did she say something about your flabby arse? Your weird ears? Your nostrils being too big?" "Jesus, will you shut up!?" I snapped. "Just tell us what's going on then," said Auntie Meryl. "She's shagging Roz!" I loudly snapped, "So it's not me that's in the wrong! It's her!" "You what!?" gasped Mum. "What's a Roz?" asked Auntie Meryl, "Is it like a rozza? A copper? Police officer?" "Roz!" I loudly said, "Rozalind! Kyle's step mum. Caroline's partner!" "Oh..." said Auntie Meryl, "Is she a Police Officer?" "No," I bluntly said. "So, who's the police officer?" asked Auntie Meryl. "What the Hell are you talking about!?" I loudly exclaimed, "This hasn't got anything to do with Police Officers!" "So, Roz isn't a Police Officer?" asked Auntie Meryl. "No!" I snapped, "She's a two-faced girlfriend stealing b*tch." "Hang on a minute," said Mum, "Rewind a bit. You're saying Naomi and Roz are having it off with each other?" "Yes," I firmly said.

I told Mum and Auntie Meryl about Naomi once having a girlfriend, about me catching Roz and Naomi looking at guilty and about what I heard when Naomi was with Roz at her flat. "How can she be a lesbian if she's having sex with you?" asked Mum. Does she think you're a woman?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Well, he does have man boobs and his winky is rather small," said Mum, "But no... That doesn't make him a woman." "Doesn't exactly help in making him a man," said Auntie Meryl. "All I'm saying is that she can't be a full-on proper lesbian if she's having sex with you," said Mum, "It might not be very good sex. It probably isn't knowing you, but sex with a man doesn't make someone a full time lesbian." I lowered my head and looked a bit embarrassed. "Oh God," said Mum, noticing the expression on my face, "You still haven't had sex with each other, have you?" "Well..." I said. "OH GOD!" Mum loudly said, "What's up with you? What are you hanging around for? If I had a fella who waited this long to stick it in me, I think I might go lezzy. Get round there right now and have sex with her!" Mum staretd ushering me towards the front door. "Mum!" I exclaimed. "Leave the boy alone," said Auntie Meryl, "We're not all sex mad like you. He turned one woman gay, it won't kill him if he turns another one." "I haven't turned anyone bl**dy gay!" I loudly snapped. "Well she caught it off someone," said Auntie Meryl. "It's not something you catch Auntie Meryl," I firmly said, "It's not contagious." "Well, you gave it to Caroline and now you've given it to Nomey," said Auntie Meryl. "I haven't given it to anyone you stupid cow!" I loudly snapped. "Don't talk to me like that you cheeky sod," said Auntie Meryl, "No wonder you can't keep a woman and your girlfriend's are turning lesbian." "You need to talk to Naomi," said Mum in a firm tone, "This could all be a misunderstanding." "Mum, she's cheating on me with Roz!" I exclaimed, "For God's sake why does everyone think that I'm in the wrong? I've not cheated on anyone. I'm being the good day. You know what!? I am going to speak to Naomi. I'm going to speak to her right now, and tell her what a cheating b*tch she is!" I grabbed my coat, put it on and then opened the door. "Look after Leo," I said. I then walked out and stormed off round to Naomi's.