Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 1158 - 1358

Entry 1179: Thursday 19th December 2019

Entry 1179
Thursday 19th December 2019

Naomi and I met the vicar who is going to be performing our wedding ceremony today.... My God...!

After my shift cleaning at the prison, I went round to see Naomi with the view of speaking to Ash and sorting things out between us, but when I arrived Ash wasn't there and Naomi grabbed hold of me in a rather urgent manner. "What's going on?" I asked. "You've got here just in time" said Naomi, "The vicar's coming round. "Which vicar?" I asked, "The one I told to go and F*ck herself?" "No," said Naomi. "Not the one whose dog I football kicked into the kitchen?" I asked. "No," said Naomi, "The one with Tourette's. He's coming round to talk to us about our wedding." "What are you flapping for?" I asked. "Because I want us to make a good impression," said Naomi, patting down my clothes and messing with my hair, "And I don't want you putting your foot in it and ruining things. Just let him come in, leave all the talking to me, and don't say a word." "What do you mean, don't say a word!?" I exclaimed, "It's my wedding too. I..." "Luke," said Naomi, "Interrupting me, "Your track record when it comes to dealing with nuns and vicars is not a good one. Please, for the love of God will you just sit there and say nothing, and leave all the talking to me. If you get too involved, you'll probably end up head butting the poor guy or something." "Nice to know you have some faith in me," I bluntly said, "Anyway, I thought we were going to try and sort things out with Peter." "I think that ship has sailed," said Naomi. "Do you really want a vicar with Tourette's marrying us?" I asked. "Not really," said Naomi, "But we don't have much of a choice, do we? Anyway, his Tourette's might not be that bad." "I wanted to have a chat with Ash," I said, "You wanted me to sort things out, remember?" "You can do that later," said Naomi, "He's out anyway." There was then a knock at the door. "Right!" gasped Naomi, "That'll be him. I'll let him in, you make some tea and try to not throw it in his lap."

I went into the kitchen, sorted out the tea, and returned to the living room where Naomi was entertaining the vicar with a tray containing three mugs of tea, a bowl of sugar, a jug of milk and a couple of spoons. I walked back into the living room, placed the tray on the coffee table and smiled at the vicar. He was a strange looking bloke; a bald head with whacky white hair around the sides – a bit like Doc Brown from Back to The Future. He had very thick glasses on, a clunky hearing aid attached to one of his ears and he was squinting like it was hard for him to see – God knows how with the size of the glasses he had on his face. He also had very prominent teeth that looked like they were trying to escape from his gob. I smiled at the odd-looking vicar. "Luke," said Naomi, "This is Derek Dawson. Derek, this is my fiancé, Luke." "What's his name?" Derek asked Naomi, leaning near her and squinting. "Luke," said Naomi. "Lee?" asked Derek. "Luke," Naomi loudly said, "Lou?" asked Derek, as he offered me a handshake, about 10 centimetres away from where my hand actually was, "Nice to meet you Lou, you... W*NKER!" I gasped and nearly dropped the tea. "Sorry," said Derek, "It's my Tourette's." "Err... That's OK," I said, "Do you want some tea?" "Some what?" asked Derek. "Tea," I said. "Pardon?" asked Derek. "Tea," I said, raising my voice. "Say again," said Derek. "TEA!" I loudly said. "F*CK OFF!" Derek loudly snapped, as Naomi and I jumped back. "Apologies," said Derek, "Again. Tourette's. Did you say tea? Lovely. Why don't you go off and go get the tea as I talk to your wife to be?" I looked down bluntly at the coffee table where I had placed the tray with tea on it. "The tea's here," I said. "Sorry?" said Derek. "The tea," I said, "It's there." "What's that?" asked Derek. "The tea is there!" I loudly snapped, pointing at the coffee table, "It's there!" "BIG FAT HAIRY B*STARD B*LLOCKS!" Derek loudly snapped, causing me and Naomi to jump back, "Apologies," said Derek "Tourette's. Yes, Lou, you just pop the tea down right there once you've made it." I gave Naomi a blunt look. I knew this was going to be a nightmare. "So, Derek," said Naomi, "We..." "MASSIVE TITS!" Derek loudly shouted, interrupting Naomi. "Apologies," said Derek, "Tourette's." "It's OK," said Naomi.  "Derek," I said, "We..." "W*nk! F*CK! CUM SLUT!" Derek loudly snapped, interrupting me. "Sorry," said Derek, "Tourette's." "So," I said, "We..." "F*CKING C*NT FLAPS!" Derek loudly yelled, again causing me to jolt for a second. "Apologies," said Derek, "Tourette's." "Sorry," said Naomi, "But we have to ask this, Derek. Are you sure you're in the...? Well... The best state to be marrying people?" "Who said that?" asked Derek, "I can't tell. Did one of you say something?" I rolled my eyes, as I was quickly losing the will to live. "It was me," said Naomi, "I'm sitting here. Right here. I was just wondering if you're in the best health to be conducting a wedding." "Say again?" said Derek, leaning closer to Naomi. "Are you OK to be marrying us?" asked Naomi. "Say that again, dear," said Derek. "ARE YOU WELL ENOUGH TO MARRY US!?" I loudly yelled. "Good Gracious," gasped Derek, "There's no need to shout dear boy. I may be slightly hard of hearing but I'm not deaf. LOUD MOUTH F*CKING GOBSH*TE!... Apologies. Tourette's. In answer to your questions, I am perfectly capable of conducting a wedding ceremony. What make you think I'm not? PATRONISING C*CK END!... Apologies. Tourette's." "Well," I loudly and clearly said, "You can't see very well. You can't hear very well, and you shout and swear at the end of every sentence." "P*SS FLAPS!" yelled Derek, "Apologies. Tourette's. I didn't quite catch that. Can you say it all again?" "Oh, Jesus Christ," I said, once again rolling my eyes.

After lots of frustrating exchanges where Naomi and I went back and forth with Derek which included enduring him not seeing us, not hearing us and loudly swearing at the end of every other sentence Naomi managed to communicate with the old codger of a vicar by adopting the right tone of voice. God, it was hard work. She was much more patient with him than I would have been. Derek assured us that he was able to conduct the wedding ceremony and he said that he hadn't been taking his medication recently and that it made his Tourette's worse. He also said he had some eye infections and that the batteries in both his hearing aids were running out. He assured us he would be on top form on the day of the wedding. I hope he's right. I want to believe him, what with him being a vicar and all, but I can't help but think that the doddering old git doesn't know what he's on about. Mind you, after what happened with the other two vicars, it doesn't look like we've got much of a choice. Anyway, after enduring Derek's deafness, blindness and loud swearing, we eventually agreed a date for the wedding. New Year's Day! Now the date is set both Naomi and I feel really excited. I'm really looking forward to it. I get to marry the woman I love on the first day of 2020. I am so happy. As we're in an apocalypse, we won't be sending out invites but we do have lots of planning to do. Derek has said we can have a wedding rehearsal this Saturday to give us an idea of what it might be like on the day. Naomi and I have agreed. I've told Mum and Auntie Meryl about the wedding rehearsal, and Naomi's told Ash. We can tell the other's tomorrow. I am so excited!

What with getting all wrapped up in wedding plans I still haven't spoken to Ash about him and Helen. I will definitely have to make time and do that tomorrow.