Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 1158 - 1358

Entey 1180: Friday 20th December 2019

Entry 1180
Friday 20th December 2019

A nice quiet day. I had a chat with Ash. Part of me thinks we've managed to sort things out, but another part of me thinks we haven't really sorted anything out at all.

Naomi and I met with Mike and Sci-Fi Cyn at Sails Café today. Hearing about our upcoming nuptials everyone else was there too; Mia, Roz, Madeline, Trudy and TJ. It was kind of nice that we were all together. We all met up in the morning and had breakfast together. It was nice. "So, you've set a date then?" asked Roz. "Yeah," said Naomi, "New Year's Day." "I wouldn't get married on New Year's Day," said Trudy, "People will be to hung over from the night before. New Year's Eve and all that." "Trudy," I bluntly said, "I don't know if you've noticed but we're living in the middle of an apocalypse. You can't go down to Wetherspoons and get tanked up on Lambrini. Anyway, there's a curfew remember." "Yeah," said Trudy, "But there's still some alcohol left on this island. We're allowed to have a drink in our own homes, and if you think I'm not having a drink on New Year's Eve just cos you're getting spliced you can think again. There's no way I'm staying dry." "I'll tell you what won't be dry," said TJ, "The end of my c*ck. I always bone a few b*tches on New Year's Eve." "God, you're such a misogynist," said Roz. "There's nothing misogynistic about me, Rob," TJ said with a smile, "I don't hate women. I love women. I love 'em even more when they're bouncing up and down on the end of my knob." "Jesus Christ," said Roz. "That's what they say when they're riding my rod," said TJ. "I heard that Tinsley might be lifting the curfew for New Year's Eve so we can all go out and celebrate," said Mia. "Who told you that?" I asked. "My Dad," said Mia. "Your Dad and Tinsley are getting quite chummy," I said, with a look of suspicion.  "Look," said Naomi, "You can all do what you want on New Year's Eve. Just make sur you're not too hung over to be at our wedding." "You sure you want to marry this tw*t?" TJ asked Naomi, "I mean come on. Surely, he can't satisfy you like I did. We had a good time didn't we She-Ra." "F*ck off TJ," I said, "She wants to marry me not you." "Yeah, but I bet she preferred bouncing up and down on my pork sword than she did trying to find your tiny chipolata." "TJ," said Naomi, "TJ, you know what they say about a man who talks about his penis a lot don't you?" said Naomi. "That he talks a lot because he's got a lot to talk about?" smirked TJ. "No," said Naomi, "That he uses it to make up for his other insecurities such as a poor personality." "Well, I've never had any complaints before," smiled TJ, "Far from it. You know I once shagged Catherine Zeta Jones in her dressing room when she was filming The Darling Buds of May. She said I was the best shag she'd ever had. Gave me ten out ten. Not bad seeing as David Jason and Pam Ferris walked in and saw me f*cking her up the fart pipe." "You have no respect for women," said a blunt Roz." "Chill out Rob," said TJ, "I totally respect women. I respect 'em even more when they let me shaft 'em up the sh*tter. You weren't in to that was you She-Ra." "No, I bl**dy wasn't," said Naomi. "No," said TJ, "You wouldn't let me anywhere near your backdoors. Not like Zeta Jones. One in the pink and one the stink." "TJ, we don't want to hear about your imaginary sex life," said Sci-Fi Cyn, "We want to talk about Luke and Naomi's wedding."

We continued talking about plans for the wedding. Mia and Mike were very excited. Mia wanted to be a bridesmaid and Mike wanted to be my best man. "We haven't made any decisions yet," I said. "I'll ask Ash if he'll give me away," said Naomi, "Mind you, he needs to snap out of this mood he's in." "You don't need to bother getting spliced," said Trudy, "It's just a piece of paper. Marriage is a mug's game. It's just like a pack of cards." "A pack of cards?" I asked. "Yeah," said Trudy, "You start off with hearts and diamonds and you end up needing a club and a spade." "I don't get it," said Mia." "Me neither," said Mike. We carried on talking about the wedding and telling everyone about the wedding rehearsal tomorrow, informing them that they might have to make allowances for the blind, deaf, sweary vicar, when the waitress who was working in Sails Café appeared and started collecting our empty plates. "How did you find your eggs?" she asked Mia. Mia looked confused. "Well," she said, "I just used my eyes, and looked down and found them right there on my plate next to the sausages." "Oh Jesus," I said, closing my eyes. Looking at Mia like she was some sort of oddball, the waitress cleared the table, and left. "That was an odd question," said Mia, "How else do you find things?" "I suppose you could use a map," said Mike. "Or SatNav," said Cyn. "Does SatNav stand for anything?" asked Mike. "I suppose he'll have to stand when he gets out of bed in the morning," said Mia. "It's a thing not a person," I bluntly said. "It stands for Satellite Navigation," said Sci-Fi Cyn. "Speaking of finding food," said Madeline, "Y'all need to decide what you want to eat for your wedding. Oh, and then there's the cake." "I could bake you a cake," said Mia with a big smile on her face. "I could sort out transport," said Mike. "Hang on," I said, "Mia, what do you know about baking wedding cakes, and Mike, I don't think we need to bother with transport, we can walk." "You can't walk to the church on your wedding day," said Mike. "He's right," said Mia, "Naomi will get her dress dirty, and I know how to bake thank you very much. I've read Mary Berry." "I've fingered her," said TJ, "She's got a right bushy m*nge. It was on the set of Bake Off when it first started. We were at this after party once, and me and Mary were getting tanked up on cider in this club that looked like a dairy, and you'll never guess who was there snorting coke and downing tequila? Mariah Carey." "Oh, for f*cks sake," I said. "It's true," said TJ, "Mariah and Mary couldn't get enough of me. We used to meet once a week at the back of this club that looked like a diary, and we'd get tanked up and I'd f*ck the sh*t out of them. I called it getting lairy with scary Carey and hairy Mary behind the dairy." "Will you f*cking shut up?" I said, "Mia, please don't bake a cake. You and I both know it will end in disaster." "No, it won't," said Mia, "It'll be gorgeous. Trust me. It can be my wedding present to you." I really didn't want Mia to bake mine and Naomi's wedding cake but seeing the dosy looking on her face made me feel like I couldn't take this away from her. "I'll sort out transport," said Mike, "A majestic farm yard animal could take you and Naomi to the church together. Oh, yes, I like that. Leave it with me." "Look, I'll give you a lift if you want," said Trudy. "You?" I said, "You can't drive." "Yeah, I can," said Trudy, "I had lessons a few months ago. Get me a car and I'll drive you." "No, I want to sort out the transport," said Mike. "I had driving lessons when I was 18," said Trudy, "My sister's boyfriend's housemate's probation officer's manager's dentist's next door neighbour's sister-in-law's nephew's girlfriend's dad was a driving instructor." "What was his name?" I asked. "Christ, it was years ago," said Trudy, "I can't remember everything. Anyway, he used to give me driving lessons. He used to get om my nerves though. I remember one day, I was driving down the road and I turned a corner, and I wasn't looking where I was going, and there was this thud. I stopped the car, we got out and there was this bloke lying in the middle of the road. The driving instructor said I was a clumsy cow." "Bl**dy Hell," I said, "Did you hit him?" "Yeah," said Trudy, "He called me a clumsy cow, I kneed him in the b*llocks, knocked his two front teeth out and smashed his windscreen. Cheeky b*stard." "I'm on about the bloke on the floor!" I exclaimed.

We continued talking and started discussing what we all might do for Christmas. Mia invited me and Naomi to have dinner with her and her Dad. I declined. I don't want to spend Christmas day sitting opposite Harold f*cking Endo and pretending to be nice to him. Roz said she was having lunch with Madeline. She also invited me and Naomi round, but I don't like the idea of eating some weird grass, soya vegan sh*t for Christmas dinner. I want some meat. Mind you, what with there being no turkeys or cows on the island I guess we'll have to have chicken, fish or pork. Mike said he wanted me to spend Christmas Day with him, Trudy, TJ and Primark. I told him that Naomi and I could pop round but that we were going to spend the day with Mum, Auntie Meryl and Leo. Cyn said she isn't bothered about Christmas and was going to be spending the day thinking about her muff – her old cat.

Cyn also said that she'd spoken to Tinsley and he'd agreed that she, I, Naomi and Mike can go to Gurnard  this Sunday as originally planned to look inside this abandoned wedding shop and look for a wedding dress and other stuff we need for the wedding. I am surprised at how accommodating Tinsley is being. Something is going on between him and Harold.

Later in the day I was at Naomi's. She was out with Sophie which left me alone with Ash. He was in the kitchen making some tea when I gently walked over to him and flashed him a tentative smile. Ash saw. "What?" he bluntly said. "Now that everything's calmed down with Tara, I thought we should have a chat." "A chat?" asked a blunt Ash, "A chat about you sh*t stirring?" "Don't be like that," I said, "I'm not stirring sh*t. Come on Ash, we're going to be brothers in law soon." "That doesn't mean you can go around shouting your mouth off," said Ash. "Ash, I just want to get this sorted out," I said, "I've got a wedding to sort out." "Oh, I'm sorry if I'm being an inconvenience," Ash snapped. "I didn't say that," I said. "No, you said that you thought Helen was really my wife Yvonne," said Ash, "And you said that AFTER you promised not to tell anyone." "I only told Naomi," I said. "ANYONE!" emphasized Ash. "She's your sister," I said. "ANYONE!" repeated Ash. "Yeah, OK, OK," I said, "I'm sorry, "I just don't get why you wanted it to be such a secret." "It doesn't matter whether you get it or not," said a firm Ash, "I told you to keep it to yourself, and for your information Helen is not Yvonne. Helen is Helen. Got it?" "OK," I said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to p*ss you off." "What were you meaning?" asked Ash. "Oh, I don't know," I said, "I just saw you spending time with Helen and acting all secretive." "So, what!?" exclaimed Ash, "If I want to speak to a woman and be secretive about it, that's my business. It's got nothing to do with you." "Yeah, OK," I said, "I'm sorry. I just thought Helen might be Yvonne.  I don't know what I was thinking. It was a stupid idea. I know Yvonne is dead. You told me. I should have believed you. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." "So, will you just mind your own business?" asked Ash, "Just leave me and Helen to talk if that's what we want to do?" "Yeah, if that's what you what," I said. "It IS what I want," said Ash, "We're friends. That's it. Stop being nosey. Stop being suspicious. Stop assuming the worst and focus on your life, not mine." That was me well and truly told! Ash is speaking to me again now but I still think he's in a bit of a mood with me. Hopefully he'll be OK with the wedding rehearsal tomorrow.

I'm looking forward to getting out of the walled area of Cowes on Saturday and see if we can find any wedding stuff at this shop in Gurnard. It will be nice to see other parts of the island and I am hopeful that we'll find some stuff for the wedding, I hope Naomi manages to find a dress. I still can't believe we're getting married! I hope the wedding rehearsal goes well tomorrow.