Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 1158 - 1358

Entry 1183: Monday 23rd December 2019

Entry 1183
Monday 23rd December 2019

Not only has Mike been acting all weird today but Ash is still acting like a stressed-out moody b*stard, and I saw him acting all shifty with Helen... and Harold!

In the morning I was in the kitchen having a cup of tea with Mum and talking about what we were going to do for Christmas dinner when I heard some rumbling coming from the back garden. Feeling curious and wondering what the Hell was going on, Mum and I opened the back door, exited the kitchen and walked into the back garden where we saw Mike exiting the garden shed at the end of the garden. "Mike, what are you doing?" I asked. Mike gasped and looked a bit like a deer caught in the headlights. "Well, that's a guilty expression if ever I saw one," said Mum, "What are you doing in our shed?" "Err... I can't tell you," said Mike. "Have you been having a w*nk in there?" asked Mum. "Err... Yeah," said Mike. "Oh well, fair enough," said Mum, as she shrugged and started to walk back to the house. "Hang on a minute!" I exclaimed, grabbing hold of Mum's arm and stopping her from walking off, "What do you mean fair enough?" "Well, it's no big deal, is it?" said Mum. "You might be alright with Mike having a w*nk in our shed, but I'm not!" I exclaimed, "God, Mike, you've got a bedroom, haven't you? Why don't you have a w*nk in there instead of our shed." "Well, you don't use the shed, do you?" asked Mike. "That's not the point," I said, "I don't use the toilets in the boarded-up Costa Coffee in Cowes but I don't go in there for a quick tug." "I w*nked someone off in Costa Coffee once," said Mum, "It was this bloke called Yusuf. He was a security guard." "I don't want to know," I bluntly said. "I was queuing up to get an Americano and there was this instant connection. I tugged him off right there and then." "Mum!" I exclaimed. "Oh, it was discreet," said Mum, "He had this big raincoat on. I pulled him off under that. You couldn't see a thing. Funny really. I went into Costa to get something hot, strong and black and that's what I ended up getting." "Mum, will you please be quiet?" I bluntly said, "Mike, sorry, but you can't be having a w*nk in our shed." I looked at the look on Mike's face and then realised what was going on. "Hang on," I said, "This has something to do with the surprise you've gotten me, isn't it?" "Yeah," said Mike, "That's right." "Then why didn't you say so?" I asked. "I don't know," said Mike. "You've hidden the surprise in our shed, haven't you?" I asked. "Err... Yeah," said Mike. "Why haven't you hidden it in your own shed?" I asked, "I could be tempted to go in there and have a look." "DON'T!" gasped Mike, making me jump back a bit, "I... Err... Well, it will ruin the surprise." "Then keep it in your own shed," I said, "This doesn't make any sense." "We use our shed," said Mike, "You told me you hardly use yours." "He's got a point," said Mum, "I've only ever been in that shed once." "Promise me you won't look," said Mike. "OK," I said, rolling my eyes," But if I actually need to get in the shed, then you need to get your arse round here and move the surprise, whatever the Hell it is."

Mike was behaving very oddly, which I know is nothing new but this behaviour was odder than normal. On the plus side I have a surprise to look forward to. I suppose I'll find out what it is on the day of the wedding. It must be something quite big if Mike needs to hide it in a shed. I wonder what it is...

Ash is still in a foul mood. I saw him talking to Helen and Harold outside Sainsbury's in Cowes. The three of them looked rather shifty and tense. I was doing a little bit of last-minute Christmas shopping, when I noticed them. The thing is that the three of them saw me and looked incredibly guilty when they did; a bit like a group of children who had been caught sneaking into the kitchen and stealing chocolate biscuits. Feeling curious I started to walk over to them, and as I approached, Helen quickly left. "Something I said?" I asked, as I joined Harold and Ash. "What do you want Luke?" Ash asked sounding tired and p*ssed off, "Me and Harold are in the middle of something." "There's obviously something going on," I said, "You bit Naomi's head off yesterday, you're acting all weird, you look stressed and now you look like you're having tense chats with Helen and Harold." "Just stay out of it, Luke" Ash said. "Stay out of what!?" I exclaimed. "Luke, I was Ash's boss and CEO," said Harold, "Technically speaking, I still am. I haven't terminated his employment and he hasn't actually resigned." "You're not paying him a wage though, are you?" I bluntly said. "The point is that it's not beyond the realms of possibility for us to have a chat and talk about the old days," said Harold. "The old days?" I said, "The days when you were lying and manipulating everyone? The day when you created a virus that destroyed the world?" "You know full well that Ash's wife introduced us," said Harold, "Ash and I have known each other a long time." "Yeah, well I've known you long enough too," I said, "And you look like you're up to something, and the fact that this is coinciding with Ash acting all stressed is worrying me." "Luke, whatever is or isn't going on, is none of your business," said a firm Ash, "Just mind your own bl**dy business. I'll see you later Harold." Ash then stormed of leaving me with a smug looking Harold. "You just can't resist poking your nose in where it's not wanted can you?" said Harold. "What's going on?" I bluntly asked Harold. "You heard what Ash said," said Harold. "I hope you're not causing trouble," I said. "Me!?" exclaimed Harold, "I'm the man who has injected the infected with trackers. I'm the man who's working on a cure." "And a long time you're taking about it," I said. "It's not as simple as selling staplers and pencil sharpeners," said Harold, "You know... What you used to do? I won't try and explain. Your inferior intellect struggles to grasp principals of basic human interactions, so I don't expect you to understand the sophisticated complexities of developing a cure for a virus." "Yeah," I snapped, "Whatever. Patronise me. I know you like doing that, but if I find out you're involved in something dodgy." "Oh, trust me," said Harold, flashing me a smirk, "You won't find out any such thing." I frowned with confusion. I wasn't sure if this was his way of saying he wasn't up to anything, or that I wouldn't find out that he was up to something. "I know something's going on with you and Tinsley too," I said. "Regular little Miss Marple, aren't you?" said Harold, "Well, you do look a bit like a little old lady." "Tinsley's gone from being an aggressive hard ass to soft as sh*t," I said. "An improvement don't you think?" said Harold. "Yeah, but what have you done?" I asked, "It's obvious you're pulling his strings. Have you got something on him?" "Look, Luke," said Harold, "You're starting to sound paranoid. Why don't you relax. Worry about your little wedding. It's probably best you put your attention into that. Let me worry about the grown-up stuff."

I am certain Harold is up to something and it's got something to do with Ash being in a mood, and it's obvious Helen is involved too. He's a patronising pr*ck! The annoying thing is that he's also kind of right. Seeing a less aggressive version of Tinsley is an improvement, but I can't help but wonder what's going on. Harold is definitely up to something, and I want to know how he's involved with what's going on with Ash and Helen.

In other news, we've planned what we're doing for Christmas Day. Naomi's going to spend Christmas Eve at mine and the we're all going to get up and give the kids the few presents that we've managed to get, and then we'll watch some Christmas films that we've got on DVD and then it'll be lunch. Mum and Auntie Meryl are going to cook chicken. I just hope the pair of them don't get into too much trouble or into an argument in the kitchen. Ash will come round (hopefully he'll be in a better mood than he's in now) and he, Naomi, Mum, Auntie Meryl, Leo, Sophie and I will all sit down for Christmas Dinner. I'm really looking forward to it. It would be nice to have a big dinner with everyone round but the dining room isn't really big enough and I suppose everyone else wants to do their own thing. I suppose we'll all spend some time together in the evening getting together and having a few drinks.

I think this is the first time in a long time that everything's going OK. We've got Christmas to look forward to, and of course mine and Naomi's wedding on New Year's Day.