Luke's Diary: An Unlucky Man In A Zombie Apocalypse. Entries 1158 - 1358

Entry 1191: Tuesday 31st December 2019

Entry 1191
Tuesday 31st December 2019

The twists and turns keep coming. There's been another shocking revelation which followed an unexpected departure from the island.

Over the last few days I've found out that Ash's wife is alive and was the first person Harold experimented on to try and refine the E-Virus, and that she's been hidden underneath GRID HQ ever since we arrived on the island; that that nasty b*stard Harold injected me with a version of the E-Virus and that he tried to keep me frozen for ten years; and that my spunk can kill people if 60 hours have gone by since I had my black pill... and NOW I've found out who it was who was helping Harold get the black pill into me when I didn't know I was infected, all along.

The day started when Naomi came round with Sophie. The two of us had a chat with Mum and Auntie Meryl as Leo and Sophie played on the rug. We were talking about the wedding and finalising some of the arrangements, dodging Mum and Auntie Meryl's questions about all the recent dramas that have been going on when all of a sudden Mike stormed into the house and jumped into the living room wearing nothing but a bright green mankini, a big black afro wig, a silly oversized moustache and a huge yellow rubber ring in the shape of a duck around his waist. "PAAAAAAAAARTAAAAAAY!!!" He loudly yelled. "Jesus Christ, Mike!" I gasped, clutching my chest as I tried to slow my heart rate down, "What are doing!? You scared the sh*t out of me!" "Mike, put some bl**dy clothes on," said Naomi, "What are you playing?" "I've got clothes on," said Mike. "Mike, a Borat mankini and a rubber ring don't constitute appropriate clothing," I said. "I never realised what a cute little arse you had Mike," said Mum with a cheeky glint in her eye." "Did you walk round here dressed like that?" asked Naomi. "Yeah," said Mike. "What were you thinking!?" I gasped, "One of the GRID soldiers could have seen you and arrested you?" "What for?" asked Mike. "I don't know," I said, "Lewd conduct or something." "In 1972 I was sacked from my weekend job in the sweet shop for committing lewd conduct," said Auntie Meryl, "Oh no...  Hang on. It wasn't lewd conduct. It was serious misconduct. All I did was ask a customer if he wouldn't mind me giving his gobstopper a lick. I don't know what all the fuss was about." "Luke, it's your stag do," said Mike, "You can't get arrested for lewd conduct when you're on a stag do." Silence fell. Naomi and I exchanged awkward looks. "Stag do?" I said, "Yeah!" said Mike, "The day before your wedding. Everyone knows that's when you have a stag do." "I didn't know we were having a stag do," I said, "What with all the drama with that naked woman, I'm really not in the mood for a party." "Did everything get sorted with her?" asked Mike, "I never asked." "She's back where she belongs," I said, "Under GRID HQ, but we can't say anything about it to anyone else." At that moment TJ walked into the house. "Alright Nanna," he said, "Been locking up any naked birds in your shed?" "Mike!" I angrily snapped, giving him a furious look for blabbing to TJ. "He wriggled it out of me," said Mike, "Sorry babes." "Does that mean Trudy knows too?" I asked. "Yeah, I told her," said TJ, "She wasn't surprised. We all know the only way you can get a bird to get naked for you is if you lock her in a shed and starve her." "Shut up," I snapped, "It wasn't like that. Look no one's supposed to know about her. Have you two and Trudy told anyone else?" "I told Madeline when I saw her in Sainsbury's," said TJ, "And Trudy told Roz yesterday." "Oh, for God's sake!" I angrily snapped, "This is meant to be a secret." "Oh, chill out Nanna," said TJ, "I thought you'd have had enough of keeping all these secrets. Anyway, all of the inner circle knows now so you don't have to sh*t your pants." "Yeah, but TJ, it's important this is kept secret. No one else must know," said Naomi. "Oh, calm down She-Ra," said TJ, "We're all pretty good at keeping secrets." "So, who was she? Asked Mike, "I guess she did come from GRID?" "GRID found her and took her back to HQ," I said as I exchanged an awkward look with Naomi. "Yeah, but who was she?" asked Mike. "We don't know," said Naomi, lying through her teeth, "She was just some person from the depths of GRID and now she's back there and they're looking after her." "Looking after her!?" exclaimed Mike, "She was terrified of GRID." "Yeah well, dogs get scared when they go to the kennels," I said, "But we all know they're going to get looked after. Look, the issue is sorted now, so let's forget about it." "Yeah, but who let her out of the shed?" asked Mike, "And why would GRID have some weird naked woman underground in the first place?" "Mike," I firmly said, "Seriously. Just forget it. It's done." "Who knows why GRID do what they do?" said Naomi, "After everything that Blade did, I think we all know that GRID can't be trusted 100%." "So, we just do nothing and sit here whilst GRID have got this vulnerable woman underground?" asked Mike. "Mike, just leave it," I said, "They're looking after her." "Well, I think you're all hiding something," said Auntie Meryl, "One minute there's a naked woman in the shed and the next there isn't. It's like being back in the sixties." "Right now," I said, "All I want to focus on is mine and Naomi's wedding." "And that's why we're here," said TJ, "It's time for your stag do Nanna." "I don't want a stag do," I said, "I didn't even know Mike was sorting one out." "Of course, I was sorting one out," said Mike, "You're my BFF." "Oh, my friend Betty Crack once had terrible BFF," said Auntie Meryl, "Awful. Nearly killed her." "Her BFF nearly killed her?" asked TJ. "Oh yes," said Auntie Meryl, "Shocking it was. She almost choked to death on a big wedge of tomatoes." We all frowned with confusion during a brief moment of silence. "Not BFF," said Auntie Meryl, "BLT." "Babes, please come one" said Mike, drawing the conversation back to stag do, "I've arranged a day full of fun. We're going to have a sand castle competition on the beach, play naked hide and seek in the woods, and chop of the heads of some infected at the IEC. I've even got some infected women and dressed them up as brides and you've got to kill as many as you can in less than a minute. I've even bought you a matching mankini." Mike," I bluntly said, "I'm not going to wear a mankini." "But you've got to," said Mike, "It's your stag do." "No!" I firmly said. "Oh, lighten up Nanna," said TJ, "We've got a right fun day planned. We're going to go and get p*ssed, and I've even sorted out some strippers. If the evening ends with you tarred and feathered and tied naked to a lamppost, then we've done our job." "Mankini?" said Auntie Meryl, "Isn't that what James Bond used to drink?" "Martini," I bluntly said. "Who?" asked Auntie Meryl. "Martini!" I loudly said. "Who's that?" asked Auntie Meryl, "Was that one of James Bond's sexy sidekicks?" Drink!" I loudly said. "Well, I haven't got anything to drink," said Auntie Meryl. "No!" I loudly said, "I'm not telling you to have a drink, I'm saying Martini is a drink." "No, Martini's a girl's name," said Auntie Meryl, "That woman who played Tammy in Coronation Street. Martini McCrotchen." "Oh God," I said, "The woman played Tiffany, not Tammy, she was in EastEnders not Coronation Street, and her name was McCutcheon, not McCrotchen." "I thought her name was Martini," said Auntie Meryl. "I think one of the strippers I've sorted is called Martini," said TJ. "I used to be a stripper," said Mum, "Well, I say stripper. I was more of a porn star." "Oh God, will you all just shut up!?" I snapped, "Mike, I don't want a stag do. If I'd have known you were sorting out a stag do, I'd have told you to stop." "But we've got such a special day planned," said a sad looking Mike. "Look," I bluntly said, "Get this into your heads. I am NOT having a stag do. There's no discussion. It's just not going to happen. I just want a quiet night in. I don't want to wake up tomorrow on the morning of my wedding with a headache. And for God's sake Mike will you please put some clothes on?"