Something New

Chapter 2

Kemi

“What?”

“I don’t want to be together anymore.” My heart sinks at the words that are repeated.

I stare in shock at my high school sweetheart. He sighs, looking outside the window of the diner we sit at. 

“...Why?”

“It’s not you. We’re just changing, Kemi. You want to settle down and I’m just not ready for that. I want to live my life how I want it. I know that’s selfish, but I also don’t want to act like I’m still wanting this. I love you, but I just can’t find it in me to settle down just yet. I’m only nineteen.”

“I…I never said that we had to settle down.” I try to reason.

“You’re right, but I always hear you talking about how you would love to have a family together and you never talk about it like you want that in the distant future…you’re always talking about it like it’s right around the corner. And honestly,” he stops, frowning. “That scares me.” he admits quietly. 

We both sit in silence and he doesn’t look at me for a number of minutes. I feel like he picked up my heart and just dropped it on the ground. Jireh isn’t mean. I wish I could say he was so that I can feel a right to be angry at him and just tell him off, but he’s not like that. He thinks things through and he’s very caring. 

Right now, I hate that.

“I’m sorry, Kemi. I really am, but I don’t want to lead you on like this.”

I really hate that.

He looks away and it’s obvious it took him time to come to terms with this before he ever even found the courage to tell me. 

“I still love you though and I—” 

I stand abruptly, walking away. I don’t want to hear this. 

I head to my car, taking my key out of my purse as my chest heaves. I feel terrible and I’m not sure if my body is trying to cry or vomit. I just feel terrible and my chest hurts.

“Kemi. Hold on.” He follows me, taking hold of me and hugging me as I stand right outside the diner. “I’m so sorry.” His voice shakes but I want to think that this doesn’t affect him. If it did, why would he do it?

“You’re selfish.” I say, wanting to believe it.

“I’m sorry.” he says, not disputing it. It’s not true, but I know that he’ll allow me to vent if that helps me. But I feel worse saying things that aren’t true. So I don’t say anything more and I just grapple with the emotions. 

I thought Jireh had called me out here for a date, but it went south so quickly. I wasn’t prepared for this. 

“I want to go home.” I say. 

“I’ll take you home, Kem—”

“Let me go.” My voice is hollow. He relents, but slowly, he lets me go. Jireh steps back, but still holds on, his hands on my forearms. 

“I’m sorry.”

How is it possible for an apology to feel like a stab to the heart? I shake his hands off and walk away without a word, taking the last few steps to my car and unlocking it, sliding inside and driving home. 

Thankfully, no one is home. My parents are in Nigeria for a month so I have the place all to myself.

So I sit in my room, silence enveloping me. The afternoon turns to night time and I stay in place, moving only to use the restroom and lay on my side. 

I don’t cry. I just lay there.

I wonder if things would be different if I just kept quiet about what I wanted. Or what about if I didn’t want this at all? The thought rolls around in my mind and I realize how different I am from ladies my age on campus. Those in my circle are partying it up and enjoying their lives while they can. A number of them are in long-term relationships, but they’re not looking for marriage until further down the road. I’ve always felt like an anomaly when I’m with them. And I am. 

I mull this over and in the end I come to one realization: I need to change. My standards are unrealistic and they need to be adjusted. So, I’ll adjust them.