Something New

Chapter 6

Kemi

My mind drifts as the sheets on the bed move about, rustling as my husband shifts.

I can't help but think back to the last conversation Grace and I had about my relationship with him. I had gone over to her place one night, about nine months ago, to talk to her.

"Kemi, don't rush."

"I'm not getting any younger, Grace," I reminded her. She stared at me, a frown on her face as she held my hand.

"I just don't have a good feeling about this, Kemi. I don't trust him with you." I wore a faint smile, watching as she gently patted Nova's cheek. Nova was fast asleep, the thirteen year old's head on her mother's lap. Ty was also fast asleep beside his mother, his head bobbing before Grace gently rested it against her shoulder. His eyes fluttered open and he settled in, arms crossed as he went back to sleep.

I looked down at Austin who had fallen asleep against me as well, Rose by his side and resting against him, his hand on hers. I moved his hair out of his eyes and felt an ache in my chest as I took them all in.

"Grace. I want children." My eyes swam and her frown deepened. As my best friend, she knew how much I wanted this. I was 34 at that point and I always got anxious when it came to age and the decrease in likelihood to have children.

Grace's first boyfriend became her late husband. But for me, I dated for years, handfuls of men, and it never amounted to anything. It made me afraid that I may never get married or have children.

"But Kemi, that doesn't mean you should rush. There can be more regrets than if you wait for the Lord."

"But wait until when?" My voice was weary. "For how long?"

"Kemi, the Lord knows best, not us." I knew her words were right, but I was anxious. I was too anxious to wait.

"I just wanted to let you know that our wedding is coming up in two months," was my response. I was done waiting. And who was to say the Lord's hand wasn't on this? Charles was a charming man and a Christian. What else did I need?

Grace had a surprised expression.

"You've already set the date?"

"Yes." She shook her head in shock.

"Do you even love him or are you just settling?" I looked at her sharply.

"Of course I love him."

"Why?"

Irritation bubbled up within me. She looked upset as well.

"Why do you love this man you just met four months ago?"

"Time is not what legitimizes love-"

"Yes, but I know that you don't know much about him. I know that you have never loved that quickly, Kemi. I know that love doesn't come easy for you because you lowered your standards." Her words stabbed at a soft spot and I fired back.

"That's not true-"

"No, that is true." Her tone hardened and she switched from English to Yoruba, trying to keep her voice down. "What is wrong with you? Why would you set a date so soon? You don't know this man well. Does he love you? Will he take care of you? Ehn? Or what is all this?"

"I am not a child, Grace," I switched to Yoruba as well. "I know what I'm doing."

"Who is saying you are a child? You are just behaving foolishly. What will you do if he hurts you? Who will be here for you?" Anger was apparent in her voice, but also worry. "Who will help you if he hurts you? Ehn? Or what is all this?" Nova lifted her head, blocking my view of her mother, but Grace gently pushed her head back down.

"Oh," Nova muttered.

"Go back to sleep, my dear," Grace lovingly snapped.

"Okay," Nova mumbled, causing both of us to crack a smile despite the contentious topic. I let out a breath, thinking for a moment. Silence passed between us and we used it to calm ourselves.

"...It's up to you, sha. Regardless of whatever you decide, I still love you. I always will. And I'll be here for you. I just hope you're not making a mistake," she finally said. "I'll be there for your wedding." My heart soared at her words and I reached for her free hand. Her expression softened.

"But I'm still not for this, Kemi. I'm not sure why, but I don't feel good about him. Just be safe."

"I'll be safe," I promised.

"Clean yourself up." Charles' words bring me back to the present. My eyes fix on the ceiling above me as I lay naked on the bed, my husband walking away without even a look back at me.

I feel used.

But perhaps I should have given in this time. It would have been easier to do so if I didn't know he was cheating on me. He's made it clear for months now that I'm not his ideal woman. He likes women with more meat on their bones and I'm just...not that.

So he went to go find bigger women. He's never hidden his desire for other ladies, but it used to be more subtle. When we were dating he used to just watch them with his eyes, even when I was around. He would make comments at times and I told him I didn't like that, but he let me know that I was being overly sensitive and that there's nothing wrong with looking. He wasn't touching, after all.

But now he is. And now that he's cheating, I can't fathom sleeping with him. I let him know that a month ago and...

I feel bile rise in my throat and I quickly sit up, scrambling for a garbage. I'm utterly disgusted with myself. I feel sick in my own skin. I feel like my body isn't my own anymore and I can't put into words how terrible that is. I feel the need to climb out of it as if it's a cage, but that won't happen.

And even with all this...I can't bring myself to divorce him. If I do, everyone will know what's going on. I wouldn't want my mother and father to know how I'm being treated. I wouldn't want Grace to know either. She was right; I was in too much of a rush.

I grab a garbage can in the corner of our room, hurling into it. I wonder for a moment if I'm just disgusted or if it's something else, but I don't get my hopes up. I've already had two miscarriages.

Tears spring up in my eyes. I wouldn't want to lose another one. I don't know what I'd do.