a/n: trigger warning, allusions to sexual assault
Dakota backed away a step, and another, in attempts to regain the last shreds of security she had only moments before. Distorted images of the shadowy cave enshrouded her and swirled about her vision, the floor becoming the ceiling and vice versa, and the spirit blended together to create an unrecognizable, wispy blur of pale white. Her legs became jelly, and grew hollow beneath her weight. Air fought its way into her lungs and her heart felt to be sucked dry.
From the outside, the spirit could see the uncharted wildness beginning to form in her emerald eyes. She could see the sweat clinging to her tanned skin, and the fidgeting of her fingers as they struggled to find something, anything to cling to. The spirit remained still, her facial features softening at the sight. Internally, she felt bad for bringing this out of the Jedi, but it was for the best.
The door opened. His shadow entered. Eyes red and puffy, glazed over. Lips moist, distinct of alcohol.
Dakota shook her head, dragging her hands across her forehead as the blistering glimpses of the past seeped through the exposed crevices of the defense that she had forged together, and ruthlessly maintained, for so, so long. She tried to cover the break in the wall, to keep the recollection from spilling out into the open. Each attempt failed, and it slipped through her fingers and back into the bitter reality.
Her eyes, peering over the blanket as he stumbled forward. His brutish hands, yanking the cover away. His hands, on her.
Dakota shook her head, as if the thoughts could be flung away like water droplets from damp hair..
His finger, pressed to her lips. His frame, a towering force over her. Her world, shattering.
"Would you have forgiven him?" Duchess Satine had asked her one time, long ago. An innocent question from someone who did not know any better. The inquiry floated around in the claustrophobic, mountainous tunnel, a whisper of the past.
"No" Dakota had replied numbly "I don't think I could do that"
The cave shrank and expanded, closing around her like a tightening fist "You never told anyone what he did to you..." the spirit concluded that which she already knew to be true, she looked down to the ground as she spoke "how he took the scraps of dignity and innocence that you had left"
Dakota's legs gave away underneath her and she collapsed, her chest squeezing against her lungs and sizzling with each, strenuous breath that she had to will herself to take. Nerves buzzed like locusts all over her body and she panted feverishly, clawing at the dirt in complete disarray. Her bionic fingers cut into the ground, creating an ear-splitting grinding sound.
It was all coming back. All of it, everything from that night. She couldn't stop it, she couldn't prevent it from leaking through into her reality.
"That's why you haven't been able to let them in, not even the Captain. You haven't allowed them to see those parts of you"
Dakota froze, a phantom pain coursing through her. Pain from the accident, in her leg and fingers, and pain from him. An ache that she had blinded herself to and forced herself to forget. The spirit's words opened an abandoned, dusty vault, locked by a forgotten passcode. Out emerged the sole memory, the one that had not only broken her physically, but had also fractured her mind into countless pieces.
The spirit watched the realization unfold, spreading across her features, and she pressed her lips together with pity, but she didn't dare allow the crippled Jedi to see said pity. She slowly came forward and bent down in front of her, now being at eye-level with the shell of the woman. The woman who is now finally remembering all that she had made herself forget.
"He ruined me" Dakota said lowly, without a hint of energy or emotion, any shred of the charismatic, sarcastic Jedi that gladly carried a chip on her shoulder was wiped away, unrecognizably replaced with the betrayed, wounded child that had her innocence stripped away from her by the man that was supposed to protect her.
She sat back, slumping onto her knees with her head low. Dirt clung to the legs of her pants. No tears, no sobbing. Complete, stone cold resignation "why did he do that to me?" she whispered for an answer, for any crumb of reasoning. "What did I do?" each question spilled unfiltered into the air, a deep sense of shame weighed within each word.
"You didn't do anything" the spirit extended her transparent hand out, and pressed the tips of her ghostly fingers to Dakota's forearm. The Jedi froze, tightening her limbs to her frame "you were just a child"
"It's my fault"
"No" she said gently.
"I made him mad, I looked like her-"
"You were a child" the spirit annunciated.
Dakota returned her sights to the eyes of the spirit. The forlorn Jedi who had first arrived at the temple all those years ago, seething with betrayal and hurt, had returned. She expected her to cry, to scream, to whither and writhe in it. But her emotions had only dulled, resorting back to the only way she knew how to cope.
"I should've-"
"There is no excuse for what he did, and nothing you could've or should've done to appease him" the spirit maneuvered to be more in her line-of-sight "That man committed unspeakable actions that you now suffer the consequences for. He's undeserving of justification"
"Why couldn't he just love me?" she asked slowly, her emerald eyes darkening as she tried to sort through her thoughts "If he would've just... loved me" she covered her mouth, her hand quivering "Then I could've stayed. I wouldn't have left home and I could've had my sisters," she paused "he ruined me"
"He may have ruined parts of you-" the spirit leaned forward, allowing her to be semi-correct "- but he did not destroy you. You are Dakota Ky, Jedi of the Republic and General of the 501st legion. Of royal Sorgonian blood and heir to the Mandalorian Throne. No man has the power to take that from you"
"I can still feel him" the Jedi gritted her teeth, squeezing her eyes shut as she wrapped her arms more tightly around her knees "I can still feel him on me... and- in-" she couldn't finish her sentence, her lips wouldn't let her. Her body held her back, wanting desperately to protect itself again.
"I know" was all the spirit said, softly, motherly "just let it be, it'll pass"
"I can't" Dakota shook her head, her voice fragile.
"You can"
"I've lived without this memory for so long" she argued with little weight "I had buried it, with him. I loved him, and he betrayed me. In every way"
"But you've learned to love again, did you not?" the spirit raised an eyebrow "Not all is lost. Who you are at your core has not been tainted by him"
Dakota blinked, the word striking a cord with her "core?"
The spirit extended her hand "Come with me, I'll show you"
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Afterglow II | The Clone Wars
Fanfictionbook 2 although the Clone War is drawing to a close, there is still a war within the Jedi of many secrets. The Order has shaped her ethics, but that which is forbidden is her inner compass. She is a warrior, a sister, a friend, a lover. Ultimately...
