The Act|| Tarasia

Chapter Sixty Three

Taraji's POV

My heart rattled around in my chest like my entire body was going through an emotional earthquake as I stood in the living room waiting for my mom to walk through the door of my old childhood home. When we laid eyes on each other, the waterworks were instant. She was even more beautiful than the last time I saw her. When I was little, I thought my momma was the prettiest woman in the world. I still do. Time has been kind to her, at least in the physical aspect. I'm so happy to see her pretty face. I hope that she's happy to see me, too. I hope that she doesn't feel like I've abandoned her. I've flown her out to plenty of my events, award shows, and movie premiers before, but since Kelvin, I haven't seen her or spoken to her like I should. He isolated me from everyone I loved and I was too blind to see it. I pray that she can forgive me for the role I played in our relationship growing weaker.

Donna: TJ, it's really you! What are you doing here?

Taraji: I um I-I just felt like I needed to come home for a little while. I didn't know you still live here, mama. If I would have known, I would have-

Donna: You would have what? What would you have done Taraji? Don't say that you would have come to visit me, because we both know that's a lie. Your father is turning over in his grave right now, seeing you with that piss poor excuse of a man. Where is the sorry sack of shit anyway? I'm surprised he's not breathing down your neck right now.

Taraji: Momma, I'm not with Kelvin anymore. I left him 5 years ago and never looked back.

The fire in her eyes fizzled out and softened into a single flickering flame, fueled by a mix of sadness and disappointment. She probably feels so distant from me, like she's looking at an entirely new daughter. All I've ever wanted is her approval. It means the world to me when she tells me that she's proud of me, but when I don't hear it, I instantly take it personal and I begin to feel like shit. I don't know why I seek so much validation from her, I just do. I want her to see that her strength was passed down to me, even though I feel so weak and helpless sometimes. It's scary how much Fantasia reminds me of my mom- so relentless and hellbent on making me prove myself. But I don't hate her for it. I don't even resent her for it. I just want my mom to see that she doesn't have to push me so hard because I'm already pushing myself. The question is if I'm pushing myself in the right or the wrong direction. Is Brandee right, and is Fantasia wrong?

Donna: 5 years? How could I not have known?

Taraji: You never asked. We don't talk like we used to. We used to be best friends, momma. There was nothing that I wouldn't have told you. This moment between us right here and now is long overdue. I feel like I've lost myself, and I need your guidance down the right path.

Donna: Only you can guide yourself down the right path. Nobody will ever know you like I once did, but you have gone through changes that I have not been around to see. Tell me why you feel like you've lost yourself. Come on child, let's talk.

She lightly grabbed my wrist, taking me into my old bedroom. The walls were still painted lavender with gold butterfly stickers all over them. My cabinet full of dolls and tea party dishes looked like they had been dusted everyday. My bed was still covered in a Jem And The Holograms comforter. She sat down on my bed and pulled me to sit down next to her. Before talking, I just laid my head down on her shoulder and absorbed the moment. She stroked my hair, turning her head slightly to peck my temple. Her compassion is as fierce as her anger. Just like Fantasia. I began to cry, and she cupped my chin, lifting my head up to wipe my tears as they fell.

Donna: My pretty baby girl, what's wrong?

Taraji: I'm so lost. I'm 53 years old and I feel like I'm going through the tribulations of a 20 year old woman who hasn't figured out her life yet. I've always known that I wanted to act and touch people's lives with a performance, and knowing just that used to be enough for me, but I never knew that I liked women.

Donna: What are you talking about?

Taraji:*sighs* You've missed a lot since we last saw each other, momma. I don't even know where to begin.

As I gave her the whole rundown on Fantasia and Brandee from start to finish, her face didn't move once. She didn't raise her eyebrows or drop her jaw or do anything to show that she had any opinion about what I was saying. She just listened to me intently, her eyes staying on me and her hand propping her chin up. Once I was done, I was crying again. She didn't wipe my tears away this time. She let them run, and I didn't know how much I needed that until she allowed it to happen.

Donna: It sounds like to me you have a choice to make, and only you can make it, nobody else.

Taraji: You're not going to scold me for messing around with a married woman?

Donna: You don't need to hear me tell you that you're wrong. You already know that you're wrong, or else you wouldn't be here. You can't take back the wrong you've done. All you can do is the next right thing, and to some people, what's right for someone else may still look wrong to other people. So do you want what's right for you, or do you want what other people think is right? You always have been a people pleaser, but you've never let you desire to please others get in the way of your ambitions. Me and your father wouldn't allow it. As the kids are saying nowadays, we always made sure that you were standing on business. There's nothing wrong with being unsure. I'm 74 years old and I'm still discovering new things about myself. Do you love either one of these women?

Taraji: I've been through a lot of turmoil with Fantasia, but I find my way back to her time and time again. Brandee is a nice change of pace. She makes me feel sane.

Donna: That's not what I asked you, Penda. I asked you do you love either one of those women. You can tell me what you like about them all day long, but you're wasting your breath because you already know the pros and cons that each woman bares. Since you were a little girl, you never liked to take the easy way out. You always went after the harder things just to prove that you could make it look easy. I remember when you were 3 years old, you wanted a pet more than anything. Your father and I took you to the pet shop, and you bypassed all the cute little puppies to go straight to a pit bull. Your father and I had a nice little Pomeranian in mind for you, but you were hell bent on getting that big aggressive pit bull. Even when he bit you, you still wanted him because you wanted to prove that you could make him love you. It sounds like Fantasia is that pit bull and Brandee is that Pomeranian. You loved that pit bull even when it didn't always reciprocate, and you got it to love you back like you always do, but you could have saved yourself a lot of pain with the Pomeranian. Which one are you going to pick this time around?

I smiled through my tears, thinking back to that memory. I remember that pit bull. I named him Balboa like Rocky because he used to fight the hell out of me. All he needed was proper tender love and care to soften him up. The bloody bites that he used to give me turned into affectionate licks on my face. I think I understand what my mom is saying to me, but I still want to talk to my dad and get his opinion. It's time that I visit his grave.