The Act|| Tarasia

Chapter Sixty Seven

Taraji's POV

I quietly sat beside Fantasia as she laid on my childhood bed, staring straight ahead at the wall. I don't know what to say to her. I've never lost a child before, so I can't say that I know how she feels. I brought her back to my mother's home after she was in the hospital for about 6 or 7 hours because she didn't want to stay there and wait for the pregnancy to pass. The baby was already gone. After sitting in silence for a while and holding her hand, she finally spoke, her raspy voice even more hoarse with all of the crying she had done. Something told me that she wasn't done crying yet.

Fantasia: I don't understand what happened. What could I have done wrong?

Taraji: Do you want me to call Kendall? It's his baby, too. He should know-

Fantasia: No, please don't do that Taraji. You're the only person that I want around for this.

I nodded my head, placing my hand over her hand that was already being held and squeezing a little tighter, just to emphasize the point that I was staying by her side and I wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. My entire body feels weak from carrying her for so long, but I have to be strong for her right now. She never left my side when I was dealing with the pain Stephanie put me through. I won't leave her side while she dealing with the pain of a miscarriage.

Fantasia: What did I do wrong?

Taraji: You didn't do anything wrong, baby. You were perfect. You're an amazing mother, and when the time is right, you'll be carrying another baby again.

Fantasia: What would be the point? It would just die like this one did. God is punishing me for everything I did to you and Kendall.

Taraji: That's not true. I know that this is probably the last thing you want to hear right now, but everything truly does happen for a reason. You may not understand it now, but you will one day. Your baby boy is playing with the angels now, preparing to send a new one down to you when the time is right.

Fantasia: There is no reason for an innocent child to suffer before it's even come into the world. I was going to name him Asher. It means happy. Now I can't name him anything because he's not here.

She turned away from me to hide the tears that began to fall down her face, but I could hear her crying out all the same. It was a cry that I felt in my own gut, and I could feel my heart twisting in my chest. I don't know how to handle this situation. I've never been good with trauma. Just because I survived it doesn't mean that I'm good with it. But I at least have to try for Fantasia. She's inconsolable right now. I don't know if I should give her some time alone or lay down next to her and wrap my arms around her. So I just sat there and I waited for her to be able to tell me what she wanted me to do next. My mother was in the kitchen making a pot of tea for her. What the hell can I do?

After what felt like hours had gone by, she finally turned over to face me again. There was something different about her eyes. Besides the fact that they were bloodshot, they weren't sad anymore. They were angry, and it seemed like the anger was directed towards me.

Fantasia: This is all your fault.

Taraji: What?

Fantasia: You've been stressing me out this entire time, playing games with me and tugging at my heart strings just because you can. Everything in my life has gone wrong since you became apart of it.

Taraji: Tasia, no. Don't say that. You don't mean it.

I shook my head, tears welling up in my eyes now. She spoke with so much venom laced in her words, and I felt the bite of her fangs deep in my soul. She's blaming me for her losing her baby. And I don't even know how to defend myself because it feels like everything she's saying is true.

Taraji: You're hurting, and you're looking for someone to blame because you don't know how to make sense of the pain. Blaming me won't make you feel better, baby, I promise it won't. I'm trying to be here for you. Please don't push me away.

Fantasia: Fuck. You. Taraji. You killed my fucking baby. You made my life a living hell trying to fight for your love, and you made me miscarry. My baby is gone because of you. When you were having those suicidal thoughts, I should have just let you kill yourself. You don't deserve to be here, but my baby does, and he's not here because of you. Get out. I don't want to see your fucking face anymore.

I didn't have it in me to argue that this was my mother's house and she was kicking me out of my own room. I just left like she demanded me to. Once the door was closed, I slid my back down it and sat on the floor, hugging my knees up to my chest as I put my head down between them and cried. The pit bull is biting me right now, and the blood from her teeth is running everywhere, tearing me apart. I never thought that my heart could break this violently. The pieces are shattering, and the shards are cutting me up on the inside. We had a huge breakthrough at the airport, and now we're having a huge breakdown. I'm trying not to take it personal because she's going through pure hell right now with the loss of her baby boy, but why is her go-to to always make me feel like the lowest form of human life? Why does she seek relief by desecrating me? Why did she tell me that I'm the only person she wants around for this if she was going to treat me like this? She wished death on me. She threw my mental health struggles in my face, telling me that I should have killed myself. She feels like her life has been falling apart since I walked into it, so why is she trying so hard to keep me around? Is it so that she can have a punching bag to take her frustration out on?

My mom came down the hall, carrying a hot cup of tea on a little plate for Fantasia. She looked at me one time and I could tell by the look in her eye that she immediately knew what had happened without me having to say a word.

Taraji: Momma, she-

Donna: I know, baby. She's going through the worst pain a mother could ever experience, and she's processing it the best way she knows how, even if the best way she knows how is to lash out at the person she loves. None of this is your fault, but she's telling herself right now that it is because you're the only person she has. It's hurting her to know that you're seeing her hurt because she loves you so much, and she doesn't know how to express that because her love for you is mixed up with so much pain for her lost child. Get up off of that floor and get yourself something to eat, baby.

My mom held her hand out to me and I took it, allowing her to pull me up to my feet. She placed the teacup in the spot that I had occupied, leaving it for Fantasia when she would be ready to accept it. If she ever comes out of that room...

Don't hate me too much. I don't write sad shit for no reason. Every pain has its purpose, so just hang in there and trust my process.