An Enigma Is Too Much For A Cat To Eat

🪻 C:\Users\273620\Roaming\close the curtains and call me

i am ashamed i could make the sun feel inadequate
when she is always shining upon me.
i never wanted you to feel like you're merely my deadly nightshadecf
if anyone is poison, it's me.
i don't starve anymore but my hunger still ruins our paradise
at what point do you stop feeling like we sleep together just so your snores fill my emptiness?
at what point do i stop tearing us apart for the sake of my selfishness?
only because i don't trust that i'll always have you
14 months, and i still don't feel secure
regardless of Dell's encryption.

i hate i treat you like i treat school
diminishing emotion to transaction because my arbritrary A's in PowerSchool validate me
i feel disgusted i could compress you to down to kilobytes and .zip's of memories
there is a beating heart behind that voice
something which transcends hardware.

but i want my sweet sixteen;
i'm tired of kissing computer screens;
i'm human and i need to touch, i need to feel seen.
the bed feels less empty with your static to keep me company
but my ambition screams that i should be feeling more.
more than the spiritual completion you grace me with.
always more;
you once said i was materialistic and you were right
brand-new CPU, touchscreen display, but that's not intimate enough for my greed
so I split my attention between our Google Meet tab and the pirated copy of Windows 11 on my USB.

a year ago i wrote
" i hate that you are not enough to kill my addictions "
how can i look into the camera and tell you you're enough when I don't know how much you are?
even if you were here, caressing me while i type this poem, would that be enough?
we both know the idea of "enough" is unattainable;
it took all of 2021 for me to learn that.
the RAM can reach fufillment but i cannot.
(perhaps you can.)

i can't ask you to be the Milky Way just because I love grandiosity
i don't need a galaxy
i only need your soul.
the soul that penetrates the metaphysical
the soul that never fails to care for me, even when i am scum
the soul that lulls me with the promise of being here.
not once have you broken it, but how many times has my Lenovo crashed?
the tenderness of your aura could never be contained by the bandwidth.
your love is not diluted, despite eight hundred light-years between us.

but it's cold;
i love the pitter patter of the rain on my window but you're in both my ears tonight
because my AirPods are charged.
it's cold but my black blanket insulates my warmth
and you always have your fan to cool you down.
grainy webcam, retired camgirl turned isolated wife
i ignore the way the moon falls, rises, and i sleep while you sleep
hoping the laptop stays awake all night.

i am ashamed i could make my sun feel inadequate
when she glows brighter than the moon as long as her umbilical cord is plugged in.