i put my hood up, trying to hide my face from any of calvin's neighbours. not that this was the first time i left here breaking down. calvin left just behind me, going to his car parked right beside mine. "kal what's up? i'm sorry i just, i gotta go" he tried to stop me from getting in the car.
"fuck you, just fucking leave me alone. please" i begged. calvin rolled his eyes, slamming my door shut. i flinched at the bang. i rested my forehead against the steering wheel, sobbing uncontrollably. this is all i seemed to do these days, just cry helplessly.
i turned the key, listening to the engine roll over. i drove, and just drove. i could hardly pay attention to anything around me. the scenery just becoming a blur through my windows. i didn't know where i was going.
i didn't even think about it really, i just did it. the phone rang through my car's bluetooth. "hello?" gus picked up quickly. "are you home?" i asked, trying to sound as normal as possible, "no not right now, why?" he asked, "gus?" i heard a female voice in the background, it was faint but i heard it. "no reason, don't worry about it" i dismissed.
"well, i can be home if you want me to" he offered, "not if you're busy" i didn't want to inconvenience him. "i'm not, i can be back in like 20?" he offered. "okay" i smiled, i kinda liked he was interrupting his day for me.
i settled a little just knowing i'd be able to see him. i got to his house before him. i got out of the car, i sat and waited on the porch steps outside. i guess it was a pretty nice day out, i don't appreciate things enough.
i heard a car in the distance, i saw gus' car come around the corner on the end of the street. he pulled in, he seemed happy. smiling, singing to whatever he was listening to. he almost made me smile.
"hey kal, what's up?" he asked, casually approaching me on the steps. "i didn't know where else to go. i was almost embarrassed to make eye contact. he crouched beside me, "let's go inside" he helped me up.
"i fucked up again" i told him, "what happened?" he asked. i could tell he was trying to sound genuine, but he was a little annoyed by me coming here again. "i fell for it again, i let calvin fuck me over again. god i'm so fucking stupid" i raged. "you're not stupid" he told me, "then why do i keep doing this?" i asked him, "you wan to believe everyone is good" he told me.
"but i don't, actually i think most people are the worst" i retorted . "no you don't, you just put these walls up. you want to be cared about" he said. "don't try and psychoanalyze me right now" i said, annoyed.
"what did you want to see me for?" he asked, "i-i don't know" i stammered "you just make me feel better" i shrugged. "i'm glad i do" he said.
"you're like my only friend really" i told him, "so we're friends?" he asked "yeah, i guess we are. you seem surprised?" i asked "nothing, you just really hated labels last time i saw you" he reminded me. "yeah, but we're just friends. that's okay" i spoke out loud but i was actually just talking to myself. i decided it was okay to call us friends.
"where were you before?" i inquired, "i was just running some errands" he said. he lied, i heard someone talking and he didn't bring anything home with him. i didn't question him though. i burdened him enough just being me, i didn't have to dig around in his life.
he was sitting on the couch, i laid across it, resting my head on his leg. "smoke?" i asked, pointing to the pack of cigarettes on the table. he put one between my lips. "light?" i asked "on it" he said.
"wanna do something fun?" he asked, "hm, yeah" i agreed. he dug around in his back pocket, pulled out a little bag. he pulled out two little blue pills, he put one in my hand. "what is it?" i asked him "molly" he said, putting the pill on his tongue. "hm" i swallowed it anyways.
we both laid on the couch, waiting for it to kick in.
-
i couldn't help but smile, even more so looking at gus. "what?" gus asked, moving my hair away from my face. "i'm just so happy" i smiled, leaning forward, letting my body melt into his. we both laughed, collapsing on top of each other. "me too" gus said.
"can i kiss you?" i asked him, clasping my hands behind his neck. "you don't have to ask" he told me, letting our lips meet.
i liked being with gus but this was better than any other time. every touch felt amplified , i'd never felt so happy, so good in my entire life. my heart was racing, not in a bad way. i could feel gus smile while he kissed me, i don't think i'd ever be as happy as i am in this moment ever again.
"can we do this more often?" i asked in the brief moments our lips parted. "we should" he agreed.
nothing was rushed, we we're just enjoying each moment together. eventually, we were both down to just our underwear. i'd never really noticed how may tattoos gus had, some intricate and detailed, some not. i the letters of each letter of the "love" across his stomach.
"love" i mumbled to myself "hm?" gus asked, "nothing, just thinking. i'm high" i giggled.
he took my hand, guiding me back to his bedroom.
