calvin
hey k
kalani
why are you talking to me
calvin
i miss u
i fucked up
kalani
you can't do this every time your girl of the week is done with you
calvin
no im being fr
i havent seen anyone else but you since, yknow
kalani
calvin that wasnt that long ago that's not monumental
calvin
i'm trying
i'm sorry
ur rlly special i keep fucking up
kalani
why are you doing this to me
calvin
i'm not trying to i'm sorry
but im ready to settle down a little
i wanna do it with u
im sick of this club life
kalani
...
calvin
can u come over?
kalani
fine but this means nothing
i found myself once again turning my brain off and becoming a lifeless version of myself. i did my hair, my makeup, i put on a new outfit. not something that screamed slut, but i knew where things with calvin usually went. i got in my car, i got to his house without even remembering the drive. it's like i had to dissociate to even be around him.
i don't know why i did this to myself, i just couldn't stop. i walked in his door, we didn't greet each other i just sat directly on the couch. "you're not like trying to get me to be your girlfriend or something are you?" i asked him, "do you want to be?" he asked, "no" i said.
"why did you want me to come here?" i asked him. "i wanted to see you" he said. "you make me feel like shit" i told him, it was nothing he hadn't heard before. "i'm sorry" he said, looking down at his hands.
"we're you lying?" i asked him, "about what?" he asked. having to ask implied that there was something he lied about. "you haven't been with any other girl since the last time you saw me?" i clarified "no" he said, "why?" i didn't understand.
"nobody really compares to you honestly" he said, "it's not like we ever dated" i pointed out. "maybe if it we're up to me it'd be different" he shrugged. "don't do that" i said, "act like you care" i scoffed
"maybe i do actually care kal, ever thought of that?" he asked. "i have actually, but i decided you didn't when i was never as interesting as the next shiny new thing" something about him knew how to find my last nerve and do backflips on it.
"well what happened to your shiny new thing?" he asked, "what?" i was confused "gus" he said, "gus?" i repeated, still confused.
"he's just a friend" i told him, "sure" he shook his head. "you don't believe me. you're jealous" i realized. for some reason it made me feel special. when a guy who has an eye for everyone pays a little extra attention to you it almost made me feel better than one guy who only wanted me.
"i'm not jealous" he said. "i think you are" my interest peaked.
i moved closer to him, calvin being jealous was the validation i craved.
he found his way over me, his chain hung in my face before he leaned down to kiss me. "no one does it like you" he told me. i smiled, tugging at the hem of his shirt for him to take it off.
one by one each piece of our clothing fell to the ground and so did a little bit of my dignity. i let him walk all over me and i liked it?
"tell me you wan't me" he said, "i do" i responded, "no, say it" he whispered into my ear. "i want you" i said what he wanted "good girl".
i came all the way here, i let it get this far, i let him do this to me again and the whole time i was only thinking about one thing.
well, person.
gus
even when we did hook up it never made me feel the way that it does with calvin. calvin makes me feel like i'm on such a high and as soon as he's done with me i feel like nothing. like less than nothing.
i went through the motions, i let him think i was having a great time but really i was somewhere else mentally. i zoned out enough that when i returned to reality he was putting his shirt back on.
"sorry kal, i gotta run. i have an...appointment"
it was sunday, he didn't have an appointment.
here i stand, the fool once again.
