imagine how lonely and pathetic your life could get. just imagine it. imagine what you would do when you're sad and lonely and desperate and you disgust yourself. my life is double that depressing.
it was saturday night, i went through the robotic motions of getting ready to survive another weekend. i basically blindly get ready at this point. i don't even look when i pull a random, slutty club dress out the closet. i do the same makeup routine that's must muscle memory at this point. i put on my nighttime lipstick, nothing like a shade of pink that screams "i may or may not be a hooker".
i don't even go out with friends anymore. just myself. i typically just went to drink, maybe flirt for fun and dance a little. nothing wrong with a few free drinks. but about a month ago i met this calvin guy. i thought things were going good, i liked him, i thought he liked me, i thought wrong. it is what it is though. we went out last night and i turn around and he's sucking the face off of another girl.
i heartlessly and brainlessly went for the guy next to me. that was my only criteria for choosing. simply just proximity. i ended up bringing him home, i was angry i was jealous i was a lot of things. but now it's time to do it all again, by myself this time. no boys.
•••
i couldn't think of anything more meaningless than being in this club right now, but here i was pretending to have fun for yet another weekend. "hey baby" some creepy guy said, leaning closer to me. "no" i said flat out, walking the other way.
i found my way to the bar top, getting comfy on a stool. maybe i could just stay here tonight. change up partying for people watching.
almost as quickly as i had that idea i regretted it. my eyes falling on a guy in the corner of the room. calvin. of course he's here. of course. i honestly can't really read that guy, is he gonna pretend we never met or is he gonna come over like he did nothing wrong? either way i want nothing to do with it.
i gasped out loud at what was unfolding. "what a fucking man whore!" i shrieked, suddenly compelled to jump out of my seat. there he goes again, kissing another girl i've never seen before. i angrily beelines towards him, with absolutely no plan of what was about to go down.
probably for the best, i was stopped when i walked face first into something, stumbling a few steps back. "oh gosh i'm so sorry" the guy said. he sounded vaguely familiar. i looked up, sighing when i realized who it was. "of course. why wouldn't this be happening right now" i said, trying to push my way around gus.
"hey kalani, not so fast" he said, putting a hand on my shoulder. at least he remembers my name. "sorry, i really need to get past you" i said. "you have some explaining to do first" he said. "i don't owe you anything" i told him. "i never get kicked out" he said. "well, you just did" i retaliated.
"look, sorry. i'm really not that kind of girl but i saw my, well. technically not ex kissing another girl when he came with me last night and you were simply just a drunk, angry, jealous solution. we never have to talk about it again" i told him, taking an eager step away towards calvin.
"that guy?" he asked, looking in calvin's direction. "why?" i asked. "well, you seem to be walking very angrily towards him and i happen to be walking very angrily in the same direction because the girl he's with is who i came with tonight" he said. i looked at him just as dumbfounded as he looked at me when i told him to get out.
"so my not ex is kissing your not ex" i said. "yes" he said. "and we've drawn enough attention to ourselves now they're both staring at us" i pointed out. "yes" he said.
"kiss me" he said. "what?" i asked, slightly shocked. "whatever compelled you last night is compelling me right now. kiss me kalani" he said. "no strings?" i asked. "no strings. promise" he said.
and then i did, i tilted my head up, looking at his lips. he was kind of cute, drunk me has good taste. my lips met his lips, his hands met my waist, then my back hit the wall. i was enjoying this far more than i should for a kiss that meant nothing more than making my not ex jealous.
next thing you know we were in an uber, and then we were stumbling into my bedroom, and then his lips met my lips again, his hands met my waist again, my back against the mattress, pieces of clothing hitting the ground one at a time.
"fuck them" gus said while overtop of me, "fuck them i agreed". "and fuck me" i added, reconnecting our lips and clawing my nails down his back.
