"kal, what is this?" gus asked me. we had just woken up from last night. "what is what?" i asked. "us" he said. "nothing" i stated like it was obvious. "you can't act like we're just a one night stand" he said.
"i know" i said, "but you know what the best part about this is?" i asked. "what?" he sighed. "no expectations" i said. "kalani you can't just act like like i'm nothing to you" he sounded upset.
"i didn't say you were nothing" i was getting irritated. "okay, then whatever i am to you isn't just someone you can call up anytime your other boy toy fucks you over" he threw his hands up, getting out of bed.
"it won't happen again" i said. god, what didn't this guy get? "i'm not trying to fight. whatever we're doing just needs to be mutual. don't call me for something i couldn't call you for" he huffed. why was he so worked up?
"i already said, it won't happen again" i repeated. i got out of bed, standing to face him. "i'm not trying to fight" he said, "i'm not fighting" i rolled my eyes. "well, you kind of are" he pointed out.
"stop digging, this isn't important" i brushed passed him to get to the bathroom. he grabbed my arm, not hard or anything, just enough to get my attention to turn around. "it is important" he said, "i think you're too emotionally invested right now" i said, pulling my arm away.
"why are you such a bitch" he mumbled under his breath, "what did you just say?" i spun around "i didn't say anything" he lied, "i literally heard you" i started to yell.
"why do you have to be so fucking cold?" he started to yell back
"i'm not"
"uh, you are"
"i'm not the one who's in love with me or something"
"i'm not in love with you"
"then why can'y you accept our extremely casual relationship"
"i just want it to be fair"
"it was one time"
"fuck you"
"fuck you"
the screaming match grew more heated.
"why is everything so serious to you?" my voice cracked. this was not happening right now, why the fuck am i about to cry.
"i think you should leave" i told him. "kal it's okay i'm sorry, i'll stop prying" he said, taking a step back
"you can leave" i told him, trying to blink back my tears. "you're upset" he said
"i'm fine just leave" i said, frustrated. "no, let's talk about this" he offered
"what happened to this needs to be fair and equal blah blah blah" i repeated from earlier in our conversation. "i don't know, i don't like seeing you upset" he said.
"i'm not upset" i said, "stop lying" he sounded angry again. "sorry" he corrected his tone.
"something's wrong with me" i let a tear fall, "there's nothing wrong with you" he said. "i only know how to do toxic" i told him, "i know" he said.
gus extended a single arm, pulling me closer to his chest. "it's okay" he said, like he was giving me permission to let go.
i clung to him and cried. i don't know why, something about him felt like a safe space. part of me didn't like that, he made me vulnerable. i didn't understand how he could make me feel better when men always made me feel so worthless inside.
he didn't say anything else. he just let me cry and get it out. "i hate this" i cried, "what?" he asked. "i don't know" honestly, i didn't know what i was feeling.
usually i just run when i start to feel like this, i just let myself get hurt. i get used to it. i deserved it almost, i hunted it out. i was letting gus in, my internal alarms were blaring. i didn't do this.
calvin would never let me do this, nor would any guy i decided to be with. i expected gus to act like them. i was trying to tell him to. but he didn't, he wasn't that kind of person, i guess.
guys like this weren't single, he had to have some skeletons in the closet. god what is wrong with me? why do i have to believe someone has to be hiding something to be nice?
gus didn't let go, i just kept crying into his shoulder. "i can still leave if you want" he offered
"it's okay, stay a little longer" i told him. i didn't want to seem desperate.
