i left gus' place as an emotional wreck once again. i couldn't grasp why he wasn't happy i came to talk to him. it was a big deal to me and he just didn't care. i didn't even think i had done anything bad to him, he'd fucked up. sure i can see the hypocrisy a little but but i'm making a real honest effort here.
my life was this constant cycle of just begging someone to stick around. i knew i wasn't perfect but at this point i just felt hated. in exact opposite fashion of how i ended up in this mess in the first place, i started driving. i couldn't go to gus so i wen't to the only other place i could think of.
calvin's.
was it stupid? yeah it was super stupid but i felt like i was out of options. he could phone me up and act like i'm the best thing in his life so why can't i do the same tonight?
i eventually ended up at his house, i really shouldn't be driving in this state i don't even remember getting here.
"calv!" i called, banging on his door with both fists. i heard his foot steps inside approach the door. "oh what the fuck" he said, opening the door to see it was me. "hey" i said, "uh, hey?" he asked.
"can i come in?" i asked, "i guess so" he said, opening the door all the way to let me in. "what's up?" he asked, while we walked to his room. "i'm sorry" i said, guilt ridden.
"for what?" he asked, "i don't know, just everything i guess" i shrugged.
he sat down on his bed, gesturing for me to join him.
i sat next to him, comfortably close. it didn't really feel right but it was filling the void. "k you literally hate my guts, why are you here?" he asked, obviously able to tell something wasn't right.
"i fucked things up with gus really bad. your other fucking side piece fucked things up really bad with gus and i" i told him, "okay, and i should care why?" he asked. "well you don't have to i guess, sorry, i just had nowhere else to go" i began to speak more timidly.
"so you didn't come over to fuck?" he asked, "no" i said, once again realizing my place in this world.
"kal we had like a million chances and you fucked it up like every time, so no offence but fuck off, i'm not really your friend. you can go" he told me, getting u from his spot next to me.
"okay" i said blankly, trying to blink back my tears.
why couldn't just one single person want to be with me. what was wrong with me? i couldn't do anything right no matter what end of the spectrum i was on i was just always doing it wrong for anyone.
i was sad, i was angry, i was confused. all i wanted to do was to just take my brain out of my head and throw it in a river somewhere.
but i couldn't do that, so i went home and opened a brand new bottle of tequila. the journey home was all just a blur again. nothing really felt real these days.
i took a shot, and another, and another, until eventually i lost count.
for he first time in a while i felt happy. the warm buzz the liquor created healed all the pain men had caused me.
i kept drinking to the point my thoughts felt like they we're slurring, i stumbled around my living room, eventually just giving up and laying in a drunken stupor on the floor with my now almost empty bottle of blanco.
"everything sucks" i said, laughing out loud to myself while curled up on the floor.
i managed to navigate my phone enough to find gus' contact.
i called him, no answer, so i called him again, and again, and again until everything just went black.
a/n thanks for reading love yall. remember to vote n comment <3 ALSO my recent post on my wall is super important pls check it out if u would like more writing from me.
