My Reason To Live {Under Editing}

{3-0}

25 May Thursday

It's been two months now, and Lexa is six months and Ollie is almost five months.
This past months Del and I have been planning our wedding.
Lexa has been learning how to crawl.
Yesterday she almost mama but Dean stopped her. I was mad at him.
Dean and I have been trying to get loser to God but the are some things we can't stop, like, swearing, falling into lust, listening to secular music, smoking, drinking and ect.
I am trying my best but I guess I'm not trying hard enough.

It was night time and
I was in the livingroom playing with Ollie while Lexa was asleep. Dean, Chris and the guys went out to play football with Stelle and Bluey. I haven't seen the girls in a while. I'm always at home with the kids.

It was now feeding time so I made Ollie his bottle and fed him. As I was feeding him I realised I've never ever prayed, yeah I do listen to them in church but I don't pray. I haven't read the bible in a while also.

Ollie finished and I burped him. He looked sleepy so I went to the nursery and put him in his crib that Dean got him.

I went back to the livingroom with my pink bible that Dean got for me. It is the English Standard Version.

I got on my knees and closed my eyes. I was about to pray but I didn't know what to pray about.

"Lord this is my first time doing this and I don't how its done but I'm doing it anyway.
Lord I pray for forgiveness for I have sinned, actually I've sinned multiple times and I still do. But Lord I ask that you forgive me. I pray that you guide me and mold me into something better then this. I have fallen into lust, temptation and addiction a million times and I'm not proud of that. Actually I'm disgusted so Lord I pray that you forgive me and wash away my sins, I pray you shape me into someone better, I pray that I become a woman of God. I pray that you draw me closer to you so that I don't have the desire to fall into those sins, those habits, and depression.
Lord I pay for peace and clarity. I pray that I forgive those people that have hurt me. I pray that they find peace Lord. I pray that I learn to forgive them for the pain that they have caused me. I pray to become a better person, a better mother, a better partner, a better sister, and a better daughter. In Jesus name Amen."

I opened my eyes and smiled as I got up. That felt good. I grabbed my bible and sat on the couch. I turned on worship music.

I read five chapters n Genesis until I decided to clean the apartment.

I placed my bible on the table and started cleaning while the music was still playing. I vacuum the livingroom and kitchen. I then moved the carpet, chairs and table so I cam mop the livingroom. While I was waiting for it to dry I went to the bathroom.

I cleaned the cabinet that had my hair products. I threw out the useless stuff and put the rest in place. As I was cleaning the song Drunk Again by Song House started playing and it hit me in the chest because I relate to it.

I couldn't help but sing along and start praising God for all the wonderful things he has blessed me with since I turned to him.

Half way through the song I started crying. I got on my knees and cried out God. I couldn't make out the words but I'm pretty sure he can hear me.

"Lord please. I surrender myself to you. Please Lord please save me from this worldly life." I put my arms out and looked up. "Lord in my hands there's stress, anxiety, depression, and addiction. Please Lord take it, please take it. I can't longer do this on my own, I need you to help me Lord. Please guide me Lord. I wanna become the best version of myself. I want to become better Lord for you." I said as tears streamed down my eyes. "I wanna become better for my fiance, I wanna become better for my daughter, I wanna become better for my family Lord, oh please help me Lord." I cried out. I got up and wiped my tears.

I sang the song as I carried on cleaning.
I sorted the dirty laundry and put in the colored clothes in the washing machine and put soap. While the clothes were washing I went back to the livingroom and it was dry. I put the carpet back in place, the chairs, couch and table.

I went to the kitchen. I cleaned the fridge, cabinets, and took out the trash. I moped the floor and I went to my room.

I fixed the bed, refolded the clothes in the closet because it was a mess there. I cleaned, vacuumed, and moped.

The clothes were done so I put them in the dryer while I put the whites in the washing machine and added bleach also.

I went to the kitchen and started cooking. I made rice, mashed potatoes, veggies and pork.

I put Dean's food in the microwave for when he comes home.

I went to my room and read the bible. After a and hour Dean arrived. He entered our room. "Hey babe. Didn't think you'd still be awake." He said and came closer to me. "Hey love."

He kissed my forehead then my lips. "You should probably go take a shower." I said scrunching my nose. "I think I smell nice." He said holding the hem of his vest and brought it closer to his nose. "Here smell." He said getting closer to me. I laughed pushing him away. "Get away from me!" I laughed.

"Shh you're going to wake the kids up." Dean hushed me and placed his hand over my mouth. I licked it and he quickly pulled it away. "Ew! Dev."
"Shh you're going to wake the kids up." I mocked him while I was laughing.

Dean rolled his eyes and made hand gestures. "Wow that's so funny." He said sarcastically. "I'm going to hit the showers." He said walking out. "You do that!" I yelled so he could hear me.

I went back to reading the Bible. I ten placed it on the night stand and watched Reels

Later on deen walked in our room and got dressed into his pyjamas.

He got into bed and snatched my phone. "Hey!" I said reaching for it. "You'll get it after you cuddle with me." He said. I couldn't help but smile because of how cute he is. "Fine." I said.

He placed my phone on the nightstand and pulled me closer to him. I rested my head on his chest as I cuddled closer to him