Kira Modest

Chapter 4

A month of summer passed unnoticed by me. All this time, I was preparing for my studies. I started studying law more deeply, it seems to be my favorite at the moment, I really enjoy it. 

I rode and walked around the vast Kyiv, trying to explore it at least a bit. I especially like Kyiv at night, the lights are simply mesmerizing. I'm ready to ride along these long bridges forever, looking at the architecture, and people and cars always moving at a frantic pace. This city simply knocks you off your feet. You must always look down so as not to get caught and fall, and if you are already falling, then look around what you can grab onto to hold on. I've only been here a month, but I already realize this. And this makes me happy, maybe I will stumble less... I am very afraid of this. Mom always said: "Don't be afraid, otherwise you will attract it." I believe in this phrase, but it doesn't work not be afraid. Damn! It's hard! It's hard to stay here without anyone and also with a weight on my soul from saying goodbye to dad, and to be fearless, strong, confident. My audacity towards life and those around me runs away somewhere, seeing the scale of this city. Can I handle it? Will I withstand the pressure? Will I not burst into tears from the influx? I ask myself these questions almost every day. Not a single evening before bedtime passes with peace of mind. Each time, a sour-bitter aftertaste rises to the throat, and the tongue begins to taste it. The taste of a quarrel with my dad...What is left in me after a month? Anger? Fury? Resentment or remorse for the dad's negotiations that were disrupted? Misunderstanding? Disappointment in him after the insults addressed to me? Mistrust? All this was 100% in me immediately after the last scandal. Now...70% remains. The month has cooled me down a bit. The capital gave me an opportunity to shift my attention to it. The first place I went to see in the city was the observation deck. I didn't even think about going there intentionally. I just drove blindly at low speed around Kyiv and what a delight I had when a view of the city suddenly spread out from the turn. The beauty took my breath away. There were several bridges right under my feet, and there was even a subway crossing one of them. Thousands of cars moved at the speed of small turtles, but in fact, almost all of them were flying at a hundred kilometers per hour, it just seemed different from such a height. Hundreds of residential buildings and many more buildings incomprehensible to me. I don't know the names of the districts, bridges, subway stations. I know absolutely nothing in this city. Even the name of the observation deck on which I am now standing. I parked the motorcycle and walked along the wide concrete partition where people were sitting and enjoying the scenery. I looked at them: someone had a contented, happy face; someone has a peaceful smile; someone had clearly come here to speculate, causing the eyebrows to be slightly frowned and the face to be puzzled; some were sad, trying to find at least one note of joy in this landscape that would lift their spirits; others simply communicated with each other, happily living their lives. I just held my breath and examined every centimeter that caught my eye. I didn't want to think about dad, mom, Roma, university, how I would live here and what awaited me. But thoughts themselves burst into my head. It's impossible to look down on the city and not think about what are you going to do here? But I don't know it that well! I only know its name! And that's all! How can I understand what awaits me here? Without knowing it, I don't know what to expect from it. I don't know which way to look in order to see! And find out...who to ask? To give some advice... I'm afraid to even ask, what if they deceive me? I feel like a little bug that has absolutely no influence on circumstances and people. I'm not used to this. In my city, many people know and respect me because of my dad. I'm used to the fact that our family is influential and so am I. And here? Am I nobody here? No! This thought makes me furious! And even though I just arrived and haven't had time to do anything yet, I still can't be anyone!

I turn my head to the left and see a panoramic restaurant that hangs over the road, and there is just a steep descent under this road, because of which, in fact, the observation deck was formed. To get to it, you need to cross a small, approximately twenty-meter footbridge built over the same road. Walking along it, you can also enjoy the view of Kyiv. It sways a little, as do all bridges. I went to this restaurant because I was hungry, but as I got closer, I saw the expensive interior and the view from these panoramic windows overlooking the city. My God...how beautiful it is there. Nice and not cheap. And no, such restaurants don't scare me, I'm used to them. I just need to be more economical with money now. So I go back, start my motorcycle and rush to look for a cheaper place. I will definitely cook rarely at home, and of course today is not the day for that, I don't like to cook.