Kira Modest

Chapter 10

I turn the key in the lock of the rented apartment. It's 7:30 in the morning.

Tired, I enter the apartment, but the surge of new emotions doesn't allow me to stay that way. I don't want to sleep at all. I have to leave for the university in an hour and a half. I don't even know what to do with myself during all this time. 

I enter the kitchen, sit down at the table, and realize that I never thought I could do such a thing. And I feel incredibly ashamed to sit here. Even these walls seem to have come alive and are disappointingly screaming at me. I feel like I've done something very wrong, and a disgusting feeling pierces me entirely. But it's immediately replaced with ecstasy as if by the snap of fingers. When I remember that excited state during the private dance, his strong hands, and the hungry gaze on my naked body. Oh God, it feels so good; I almost want to moan when I recall that feeling. Oh, those hands...how tenderly and simultaneously roughly they touched my waist, how insatiably those palms squeezed my breasts, how there remained a light tingling on my buttocks after the spank. 

I feel the warmth on my cheeks, and something sinks in my stomach after these memories. And damn it! Only this feeling compels me to go there again to relive that passion that arouses me so strongly. 

I've been sitting in the kitchen for a solid hour and can't pull myself together! I have to leave in half an hour. I already hear the alarms ringing from the girls' rooms; they probably have a second lecture. They'll get up soon and come to the kitchen. I don't want to cross paths with them; I'm ashamed to look them in the eyes...

I quickly push myself away from the chair and head to my room. I walk past the mirror towards the bed, but I stop noticing my reflection. I turn and look at myself. I scrutinize myself for a minute and fixate on my eyes. I step closer and see that they are different, as if they've changed. Maybe I'm just imagining things? After all, nothing has happened for them to change. Ha! Oh well, of course, Kira! Nothing has changed at all! Today, for the first time in your life, you gave your naked body to be examined by about fifty men...

This is hard for me...hard to realize. I look at myself and into these eyes, and it becomes disgusting. The gaze condemns my reflection. Right now, before the mirror, it's as if another 'me' is looking and scornfully berating for what I did today. And the reflection stands there, lowering its head, feeling incredibly ashamed. It so desperately wants to justify itself, so eager for sympathy and understanding of the new intense emotions it experienced! It so desperately wants support...but there is none in my consciousness. 

I lift my head sharply, looking myself directly in the eyes, and a cold, steady tone echoes a phrase in my mind: "Stop blaming yourself and regretting. Pull yourself together; it's time to go out soon." 

It's quite warm outside; I put on light jeans and a black T-shirt. And, of course, the leather jacket on top. The wind on the motorcycle is strong, so it's necessary. I grab my notebooks, stuffing them into my backpack along the way, and quickly head to the corridor to put on my shoes. Opening the door, I hear Polina catching up:

"Oh, Kira, is that you? How is you first...

I quickly close the door to avoid answering her question. Descending into the courtyard, I realize I handled it poorly and decide to send her a text with apologies, explaining that I was in a hurry. 

I drive to the university, not thinking about anything. I don't want to torment myself with these thoughts; I'm already tired of them. I just want to distract myself and hope that I can do it during classes.

"Phew! By the time I got here, I'm all sweaty in this leather jacket!" I take off my helmet and fix the curls, or rather, what's left of them, after a night at the strip club.