Kira Modest

Chapter 14

I shudder at the sound of the alarm. I can't even lift my eyelids to just look at the phone screen. I only slept for two hours. O-oh...God. This is impossible. This is beyond my power. I don't feel my body, not to mention feel energy in it. Well, how am I supposed to go to university in such a state? No way, yeah. Exactly — no way! I'm shutting down.
I shudder again at the sound of the alarm. It rang again five minutes later. Persistently trying to get me out of bed. No... I turn off my phone so no one can call and wake me up. Why did I think it would be easy to wake up two hours after a night shift and go to university? Why did I think that? Knowing how much I love to sleep. And you don't care about anything in this sleepy state. You just want to sleep, and heaven forbid any extra sound disturbs your peace. I feel the warmth of my own body, the soft bed, this blanket that has so tenderly wrapped around me. Uh...how am I going to get out of here? I slip back into sleep again after a few minutes.  
I hear some sounds...faintly, barely opening my eyes halfway. I try to wake up, or rather I have no other choice. I hear something, but my brain is still asleep to deal with this task. When my eyes fully open, the sounds of someone ringing the doorbell gradually reach me. My brain wakes up after my eyes, and I start to realize that someone is persistently ringing the doorbell of our apartment.
Hm...if it's the girls, why don't they open with their own key? Oh, damn! They forgot their key but waking up and getting out of bed — that's on me! But what if it's not the girls, but the landlady? Why would she come without warning? The doorbell sounds are rattling the seams of these walls. Kira! Well, I guess it's time to get up and open the door already, instead of pondering who it might be? A voice inside me screams. Yeah, I guess I should open it after all. But what if there was nobody home? Why are they banging like that? It's a good thing I skipped university. Who would have opened the door then? 
I walk to the door and hear fists pounding on it already. They decided to spare the doorbell and resort to pounding fists instead. I turn the lock and push the door away... It's Roma. 
Angry and furious Roma, damn it!!! 
What is he doing here? Why did he come? Why is he angry? Did he find out where I work? Damn it, I should be at university right now, but instead, I'm standing at home in my pajamas! All these thoughts race through my mind in a millisecond before he shouts:
"Have you lost your mind?! What the hell, Kira?! Forty fucking missed calls. Where's your phone? Why did I even buy it for you?! So it...," he storms into my room with these words, "here it is, lying next to your bed and just chilling?! Why the hell is it turned off? What are you doing at home?! Did you come here to study?! I texted you yesterday at seven in the evening that I would come to visit you at lunchtime!"
Oh damn! I haven't looked at my phone since yesterday because of work, I just didn't have time for it! How could he have warned me at all? Roma loves to make surprises, and it's strange that he decided to text. Although with this, the surprise worked! 
"I went straight to the university, and they told me 'no Kira' there! Where's Kira? And it's not clear why the hell Kira isn't at the university! I rushed to your apartment. I called the damn doorbell for about seven minutes! I thought, 'and here still no Kira'. Where did the fucking Kira go?!" 
He took a breath and sighed after shaking me by the shoulders and yelling right into my face. 
"Can you even imagine what I went through? You haven't responded since yesterday evening, neither to texts nor calls. I called you about forty times today. Here, take it," he thrusts my phone into my hands, "look at how many missed calls. You're not at university, and nobody opens the door at home either. I've almost turned gray, Kira." He says this more calmly now, but with a terrible worry in his voice. "I was afraid to even think that something could have happened to you. To my little sister. I wouldn't have survived that! Thoughts like 'What will I tell our parents?' started creeping into my head. Do you understand how you made me nervous?"
I feel like scum, bullshit after his words and the realization of how much I've stressed him out. To my dearest person, who always protected me, defended me, and cherished me. Indulged and allowed me to do what I wanted. While always being supportive. Tears well up in my eyes. Shame is tearing me apart from the inside. What a despicable person I am! Where was I last night? How sweetly I slept while he was driving all over Kyiv, worrying sick.
Why am I so ungrateful? I couldn't even pick up the phone. Because I turned off my phone! So that, supposedly, no one would disturb me!  I don't know what to say to him. I just want to apologize and bury my tear-soaked face in his shirt.
Like I always did. 
"Roma," I look at him, and it hurts me insanely to see all those emotions he went through, listed above. 
My head involuntarily drops down, and a tear falls to the floor.
"Roma, please forgive me," I approach him and hug him tightly, tears pouring out of me, shaking and sobbing into his shirt. 
Internally, I beg for forgiveness for everything. This is all my work! I feel so wretched in his embrace. I feel like I'm not even worthy to stand next to him, let alone touch him! I can't lift my head and look him in the eyes. He hugs me back, and I know he has already forgiven me for this. 
"Kira," Roma sighs heavily, "I beg you to be more aware, take things more seriously. I worry about you." 
He hugs me tighter, and I can't stop crying. But then suddenly, as if someone pressed a button in my head. I immediately calm down, my breathing steadies as if by magic. Why am I ashamed? Why am I crying because of this? Probably more because he yelled at me so harshly? But why do I blame myself again? I've already decided that I have the right to do as I please. That I enjoy it and I have everything under control. That this is ultimately my life! And I am the director and screenwriter of it! Yes... I've sorted that out. But I'm still ashamed only because I made him worry. I'll still reproach myself for that. Because I love my brother very much. My breathing calmed down, I freed myself from his embrace, and took a step back, still looking at the floor.
"Why aren't you at university?" He looks at me, and I remain silent in response. 
What can I say to him?
"You worked all night, and couldn't wake up because of it?" He asks.
"Yes," I reply very quietly, with a hoarse and weakened voice. 
"I thought so. I didn't like your idea of working at night from the start. With that schedule, there won't be any studying. I'm giving you everything, I'm tired of repeating it. Why do you need to work? Just focus on your studies and that's it. But no. You're so stubborn. Just like your father..."
I glared angrily at him after that remark.
"Yes, Kira, don't even think about getting angry. You're just like him. You'll insist and go on, not listening to anyone. Even I'm not so unyielding! Where does all this energy come from in such a small body?" 
"From somewhere," I say coldly. "Why did you decide to come?" 
"I was very worried, couldn't find a place for myself. I couldn't even work properly, wanted to come and make sure everything was okay. That you're alive and well. And once again, think about how worried I was when I came and couldn't find you in this city!" 
"I'm fine, don't worry." 
"I can see," he looks at me disapprovingly, "that you're not going to university. You're drifting away from me, turning off your phone whenever you want, and doing whatever crosses your mind. You're making me worry, Kira. I don't have any other choice, you understand?" 
"I'm sorry, I'm not doing it on purpose." 
"I know, that's why I'm asking you to be more mindful. It's important to listen to our advice and not act impulsively." 
Oh, God. How much longer do they have to direct me? I left to get away from these notations, and yet I'm still getting it. 
"Let's go for a walk somewhere and grab something to eat instead; I'm starving." I say, hoping to change the subject.
"Of course, let's go. After all, I came to spend time with you. Hurry up and get ready." Roma gently nudges me on the shoulder.
I head to the bathroom to freshen up. I gather my long hair into a ponytail and splash my face with cold water. Instantly, I feel more awake. I splash water on my face again and feel completely sobered up. I lift my head and look into the mirror above the sink. I peer into my own eyes and involuntarily begin to realize what just happened. Roma is in my rented apartment, just a few meters away from me. What a scandal I just went through. I washed my face to rid it of tears completely. I can't get used to my reflection. I've changed so much. I can see it. I look at my reflection and see it. My life and everything about me are divided into before and after. This reflection...it's not me... It feels like another girl resides within me. I no longer see that Kira. The eyes are different; I clearly see a different person in those eyes! Enough... Roma is waiting for me. 
I apply minimal makeup and go to get dressed. 
"Is it cold outside?" 
"It's getting chilly, so wear your leather jacket," he responds warmly.
"I never leave without it, Roma, you know that," I retort with a smirk.
"And don't sass me; you made a big mistake today," his tone changes, but his eyes remain warm.
"Let's move on. The atmosphere is very tense already. I know I'm at fault. Let's not be angry with me." 
"I'm not even mad anymore; you know I can't stay mad for long. I look at you, see that you're alive and unharmed, and I'm calm." A smile breaks through on his face.
"That's great then, I'm ready. We can go," I say with a smile. 
I'm so happy that he's with me. 
"Let's go, I'll need to head back home later in the evening. There's a lot of work, and I have a meeting planned for tomorrow morning." 
We arrive at a restaurant we found along the way, and I order myself a large portion of pasta with seafood. Roma decides to order the same, keeping me company with my favorite dish. 
"How's dad?" I ask casually.
He looks at me with a very surprised expression. 
"Are you asking about dad? Are you really interested?" He raises his eyebrows in question.
"Well, he's still my dad after all," I reply coldly.
"Surprise me even more and say you've stopped being mad at him," he leans back in his chair, stubbornly staring at me. 
"Roma, it's not that I'm holding a grudge against him, no. I just don't agree with his stance. Besides, the anger seems to have passed, but I'm still not ready to communicate with him." I say without looking at him, simply twirling spaghetti on my fork.
"And you say the anger has passed. If it had, you would have answered him," Roma says as he returns to his pasta.
I nod, acknowledging that I have nothing to say. Maybe he's right, but I no longer harbor the same intense anger I did when I first left home. 
"By the way, he needs someone to help with hiring staff again. And an assistant in general. He thought you would take care of it after finishing school. He wanted to train you." Roma says, still looking at his plate.
I turn my gaze to him, squinting slightly. I don't understand why he's telling me this. 
"I can't say that dad's idea is bad, but I don't want to be involved in it." 
"Kira, why not? He's your father. Isn't it better to invest your efforts in the family business rather than working nights for a strict uncle?" 
"How do you know he's strict?" I interrupt, setting aside the delicious pasta.
"Do you know him?"
"I haven't even seen him once.
What's he like? Who owns the club? What does he look like? Hmm...probably some kind of politician. I wonder if I'll ever meet him. Do I really need that, though? Probably not.
"It doesn't matter, sis, whether he's strict or kind. What matters is that you could really learn from dad. Be engaged in an interesting and profitable business, live in good conditions. But no, you've made up your mind and that's it. You're bulldozing ahead without listening to anyone. You always know how to do it and what is best. Perseverance is good, but you could learn to regulate it." 
"Have the shrimps, Roma, they'll get cold," I poke at my pasta with my fork, not wanting to discuss dad anymore. 
He smirked and shook his head. He understands that this conversation was pointless. I don't want to be rude to him, but it just doesn't seem to work any other way. 
"Are you going to university tomorrow?" 
"Yes, of course. I have the day off today, so I'll get some rest and be as good as new." 
"I hope this education is worth it and not in vain." 
A hint of doubt is in the voice. The club has so ensnared my mind that I can't make sense of anything anymore. I've only been to the university a couple of times and haven't really grasped the process. But I'll catch up and manage everything. There's no other way.
"Let's call dad," Roma suggests.
"Why?" I don't think I'm against hearing from him, but I feels awkward.
"I promised him that when I see you, I'd convince him to call me so he could at least ask how you're doing and you'd answer. He hasn't heard from you or seen around in a long time."
"Well, you promised him, but I didn't. I don't want, Roma." I refuse.
"Kira," he pauses for a few seconds, "you can't even do this for me? I see the pain in dad, it's like a part of him was torn away when you left. I want him to feel more at ease, and you to stop being upset with him and just talk. He needs this, stop being so cold to the one who raised you!" Roma bursts out.
"Stop trying to teach me how to be!" I shoot a hateful glance at my brother.
"I'm calling."
I'm angry and filled with indignation! Why doesn't he consider my opinion?! After a few rings, dad picks up the phone. Roma props the tablet on its stand and initiates the video call. Oh great, video too! Dad is sitting in the car, holding the phone close to his face. It's so unusual to see him after these last few months. I felt warmth inside me. Do I...miss him? No, I'm fine without him!
"Hi, Kira," he says very cautiously.
I remain silent. I know I should greet him, but it's as if my teeth are clenched and I've lost the ability to speak. Probably because of the guilt. Roma has already told me enough today about my selfish actions. And I feel sorry that I was rude to dad before leaving and stubbornly ignored his calls. I only glanced at him for a moment and then shifted my gaze to my half-empty plate. It's awkward to look him in the eye. I seem to be sitting here with Roma and dad on video, but I'm mentally still at the club. Its influence hasn't left my mind. What I did tonight would have just crushed my dad...and the words 'awkward' or 'sorry' don't even begin to describe this feeling. Perhaps the world hasn't yet invented the word that would vividly convey my state...
"How are you doing? How's life over there?" He asks with the caution.
As if afraid to ask something extra and scare me off. 
"Everything's fine, dad." Finally, my teeth unclench, and my tongue moves.
"How's university? Made any friends?"
I've never heard this tone from my dad before. He's afraid...afraid to talk to me. As if he's the low-ranking subordinate and I'm the high-ranking boss. I don't like this... Dad is the authority, he's the one in charge, not me. I should listen to him, but now he's lowering his head before me. I want to see him strong. What have I done to him? Is this such a strong love for me that it's capable of bringing him down? For some reason, I remain silent in response; I've lost my ability to speak again. I don't know how to behave, can't respond cheekily to him as before. But pride in my tone still keeps my back straight and my head high. I look at him; he waits for an answer, then looks confusedly at Roma. He also can't understand why I'm silent. I'm neither cold nor closed off from my dad. My words have just disappeared somewhere. 
"Yes, she already has many friends and two girlfriends she lives with, I told you about them," Roma ended my silence.
"Ah, yes, I remember. Polina and Lera, right?"
Wow, does he know their names? And even remembers them. 
"Yes, did you remember their names? Impressive," I smiled briefly.
"Of course, sweetie, they're your friends." He fell silent for a moment. "Um...Kira, your mom and I haven't seen you for so long, we miss you terribly. Could you come home for a couple of days?"
I thought I saw tears welling up in his eyes. No way... This can't be happening. He's an adult man who probably has never shed a tear in his life. 
I can't keep silent anymore and torture him with this. I feel sorry for him... Those eyes... They seem to beg me: forgive and come back. 
"Dad, I have a lot of studying right now, I won't be able to."
"Kira, please forget about this studying and Kyiv. I'll arrange for you to enroll in the university here and you'll work with us. Please understand, I'm afraid for you, I'm scared every day that something bad will happen to you there!" he pleaded quickly and anxiously.
Tears were indeed welling up in his eyes, and it wasn't just my imagination. 
And it started to anger me deeply. He allowed himself to say 'Forget about this studying and Kyiv' once again. The very things I had dreamt of. The very things I had, quite literally, run away for! 
"No. No, dad. Don't dare suggest that to me again. I will never work for you. For a company built on a pile of corpses!" 
Why can't I even hold my tongue now? Words spill out before I can even think. Think about the fact that I see him cry for the first time in my life... His terrible pain... Can't I just keep silent now? But no. I'm propelled forward, as usual...
His face changes from my words, now displaying so much more pain than just ten seconds ago. I can't bear this. I'm torn apart by both resentment towards him and pity for him. Hatred and love for him! He shuts down with tears. I feel a lump in my throat and can't hold back the same. Tears start flowing down my cheeks involuntarily. I look through the tears at Roma. He's torn apart from within by anger, pity, and love, just like me. 
"I can't even look at you, Kira," he says through gritted teeth, as if he's on the verge of tears himself. "It hurts you too. You're tormented by guilt towards dad for his pain! Where does it come from in you? Did he hurt you so much in childhood that it distorted your adult life like this!? I love and cherish both of you insanely. I want you to reconsider, please, Kira!" 
I can't stop the tears and the storm of mixed emotions in me...
"Dad is down all this time; it's impossible to look at him without pity. If I weren't in control, the entire business would have collapsed by now. Do you understand how much you influence him?! He loves you more than life itself...and you're just destroying him with your indifference, not just because you left." 
"Roma, stop it!" I burst into tears. "You're destroying me with these words right now."
"Maybe it will reach you! Darling, calm down, please," he approached me and hugged me, and I held onto him out of desperation. "Stop shedding tears. You love him very much, please reconsider everything. Come home and make amends with him, then go back to your Kyiv. But make peace with dad so he can just pull himself together and return to being himself and to work." 
"Okay, Roma." 
I calmed down a bit and stopped crying. It always feels easier in his embrace, and I begin to breathe evenly.
"I'll do it, I'm just not ready yet, but I'll definitely come as soon as I can." 
"Great, one is down, now there's one more left."
"What do you mean?"
"Sweetie pie, please, unblock him and write something, anything. Do you see what you're feeling right now? But you have support right here that helped you stop crying. Think about what he's feeling right now. Don't you want to calm him down even a little?" Roma doesn't take his eyes off me, hoping to get through to me.
I wipe my tear-stained nose and look at the phone. He's right. Dad must be feeling terrible right now, and I don't want to cause him more pain. I take my phone and start typing: 'Dad, forgive me...' No, I erase 'forgive me', the pride still remains, I can't apologize to him. 'Dad, don't worry, I'm fine.' Maybe this will at least ease his mind. 
"Yeah, it's not the best message, but believe me, even this will make him feel better. I think it might even bring a smile to his face." He continues to look at my phone, reading what I wrote.
"Sorry, Roma. I understand that it's also hard for you to bear all of this right now. I promise I won't make you worry like this again." I say apologetically, bowing my head and wiping away the last tears.
I've caused pain to dad, I realize it now, seeing his expression and tears. I don't want to hurt Roma as well. 
"Make peace with your father, and it will be easier for all of us. Mom feels bad too. She says she's never seen him like this before. But at least you keep in touch with her."
"I understood you, okay."