Lost Souls (Huskerdust)

Thinking Of Everything

(warning for self harm here ~ this '⚠️' is the indication of where the SH starts and ends. This in general portrays (?) panic stuff, self hatred, overthinking, etc etc so if ya want to skip intirely that's okay since anything important that comes up here will be mentioned again later and it ends at the same place of the last one)

Entirely Husk's POV

I watch as Angel leaves the hotel. The cries from Chaz and the comforting mumbles from Charlie and Vaggie slowly fade as I just stare at the door.

Fuck
Fuck
Fuck

I fucked it

I fucked all of it

I suddenly feel a hand on my shoulder. I don't know what to do. I just-

Vaggie: *tilts her head and moves infront of me* "Hey it's okay.... Angel will calm down"

Fuck
What if he doesnt
He shouldn't calm down. I literally took my exes side over his here. Fuck. I fucked it. He'll break up with me and-

Vaggie: *looks concerned* "woah Husk are you okay? Are you crying"

Fuck a tear is falling down from my eyes

I immediately wipe it away and rush to my room. I can hear Vaggie following close behind after she told Charlie to stay there and comfort Chaz

I try to close my room's door before Vaggie goes into it but she slides in too quickly. I can't handle this. Please.

Fuck I can feel the tears swelling. I can't let myself cry.

I hold my breath and cover my ears. Vaggie immediately runs up to me to comfort me. I just close my eyes and crawl into a ball. I can't deal with this. Not right now.

Fuck
Fuck
Fuck

I can't hold my breathe. I try to let out my breathe and breath slightly but I can't. Fuck I can't breath fuck fuck fuck.

I open my eyes and Vaggie is still here trying to comfort me. Her mouth is moving but I cant hear her. Even when I move my paws from my ears I still can't hear her. I try to lip read but the only word I can make out is breathe. As if I'm not trying to

As I hyperventilate I manage to say out the words "I can't breathe...."

As I continue to try and breathe I can see Vaggie panic slightly and speak faster. I manage to say "I can't.... hear you....."

Vaggie stops speaking and realises and tries to calm down herself then motions for me to breathe in and out. I shake my head to show I can't.

Vaggie then motions for me to hold my breathe. I do that then she holds her hand out and count down from 5 then motions for me to let out the breathe. She then motions again for me to hold my breathe and after counting down from 5 she motions for me to release it. She repeated that a few times and I slowly got into the rhythm of doing it and closed my eyes. I can feel myself calming down. I then start to hear Vaggie faintly

Vaggie: "that's it Husk just keep breathing. Please just keep breathing..." I've never heard her sound so concerned and panicked. Especially about me of all people

I slowly open my eyes and look at her "I'm sorry...."

Vaggie: *shakes her head and hugs me for a moment the pulls away* "don't be. Can you hear me now? Is your breathing okay?"

I just nod and I can see she looks relieved.

Fucksake why did I have to make her panic like that. I'm an idiot.
Fuck fuck fuck
Can't do anything right.
I'm just a useless piece of shit.

Vaggie: *she puts her hands on my shoulder* "Husk please just try not to over think it"
Easy for you to say.

I just nod not wanting to start anything.

Vaggie then gets a text and apologises as she leaves. As soon as she steps out of the room I lock the door and head to my closet.

I look in the closet and reach into one of my jackets pocket looking for something.

⚠️⚠️⚠️

I then find it. One of my knives and I pick it up in my hand. I then sit on my bed just staring at the knife.

I know Angel told me to tell him when I feel like cutting again....
I get out my phone and text Angel 'Hey Babe please come back' and 'I need help'. I then just stare at it and it says read. But after 10 minutes no response or anything.

I really fucked it. I don't know why I'm even trying to text him. I can't just text him to help me when I caused this myself.

I look at the knife. My reflection. It's a very clean knife. Probably a new one I bought awhile ago. It's reflecting everything. The warped ceiling. The shitty light bulb. The red light from the window. My ears points down. My pathetic face. My slightly open mouth showing my shitty teeth. My disgusting furry body. Everything. So much detail. Fuck now I'm tearing up.
Pathetic
Pathetic
Pathetic

In one swift motion I cut my stomach.
Fuck

Thats deeper than I was planning.

Fuck the pain.

I lay down as I feel the pain hit me. Every breathe makes more and more blood and pain.

I touch the blood.

The red
It's so nice

I can stare at it all day....

I look at the now bloody knife and sit up. I pull down my trousers slightly and begin cutting more around my waist....

I just need to calm down.... Just a few more cuts..... Just a few.... More...

That may have been too many but it's fine.

I get up pulling my trousers more up. Then put on a black shirt. Hopefully the blood isn't going to leak through.

⚠️⚠️⚠️

I then here a knock on my door.

Vaggie: *knocking* "Hey it's me again.... Uh me and Charlie are heading to bed. Chaz has settled in his room and will likely be heading to sleep. I'm not sure if you want to wait for Angel to come back or not. I have told Alistor to let Angel in if you aren't there to so don't worry. Remember if you need me you can talk to me whenever... Okay Husk?"

I push myself to stumble over to the door "okay...."

I listen to her footsteps leave. I stay by the door for like maybe 10 minutes or 20.....maybe 30.... I didn't keep track. I then unlocked my door and make my way to the main room.

I immediately head to the bar and start drinking. Just enough to numb the pain. The pain was a nice distraction but I think it was a little too much. I just need to be sober enough to let Angel in and apologise....

I don't even care if Chaz's tears could have been real. I shouldn't have said what I said. I'm an idiot.
Idiot.
Idiot.
Idiot.

I then hear a crash by the Hotels entrance. I open the door and see Angel on the floor. His eyes puffy and his face was full of bruises and cuts.

Fuck
Fuck
Fuck

I shouldnt have let him leave he's completely out of his mind. He's moving his head like everything is spinning.

I pick him up. Nearly falling as I do so. The pain of the cuts are unbareable but I have to get Angel inside. In bed....

As I carry him, while groaning in pain, to his room I realise I don't have the key and just stumble over to my room and lay him in my bed.

I can hear him muttering nonesense but nothing is really understandable.

I kiss his forehead and tuck him in making sure he falls asleep/passes out.

I then head to the shower. Putting it at maximum heat and then try and wash of my cuts. When I leave the shower I sigh and get the med kit and bandage up the new and old cuts before putting on a clean pair of trousers alongside a white shirt. I head back to the room and stare at Angel who was asleep for a few seconds before sitting on the floor leaning against the bed. I crawl into a ball and start to doze off....