Zustin - A new start

I won't be your secret

Zayn's POV:

I step into Justin's familiar hallway.

"You look like shit," he says as I take off my shoes.

"Well, that's a charming way to start a conversation," I reply, managing a half-smile.

I notice him limping towards the living room, and my concern grows. "Justin, are you okay? Did you hurt yourself?" I ask, my voice tinged with worry.

"What do you mean?" He looks at me, puzzled.

"You're limping," I say, a bit louder than necessary.

He just looks at me, trying to convey something with his eyes. I can't decipher it at first, but then it hits me—the Australian guy, Luke.

"Oh," is all I manage. I feel a mix of anger and sadness. My face must reveal it.

"I feel like I should apologize, but I also feel like I shouldn't. You hurt me deeply, Zayn. Hearing you use that word right after I told you what I've been through broke my heart. Luke's a great guy. We were both drunk, and we talked about it this morning. We agreed it was a one-time thing. He's still in love with his ex, and I think I like someone else too, I don't know," Justin says, looking me straight in the eyes with sincerity.

"I'm sorry, Justin. I couldn't hate myself more for using that word. I don't know what came over me. I have no excuse," I respond.

"And I'm so sorry for last night. I was drunk and high, and all I could think about was not wanting him near you. I don't want anyone near you—just me. What I said was true. I like you and want to be with you. It's just so new, and I don't know if I'm ready," I admit, feeling empty as the words leave my mouth.

"I understand, Zayn. I'm sorry for yelling yesterday and making it public. I didn't mean for that to happen. I know you don't want people to know. That's why I told Sean we didn't do anything. I really like you, Zayn. I was starting to fall in love with you. But I can't be anyone's secret. I won't force you out of the closet, but I can tell people at school that I was lying about everything. I want you to feel safe and good. I wish it could be with me, but if you're not ready, I accept that. But I won't be your secret," Justin says, tears welling up in his eyes.

I can't stand seeing him like this. I can't stand feeling like this. All I want is to be with him. Why am I such a coward? Here's this perfect guy right in front of me, saying he wants to be with me, and I want to be with him too. Yet my mind tells me I'm not ready? This is frustrating.

I hear footsteps approaching, and Noelle throws herself around my legs to hug me. I pick her up and hold her tightly. I've missed her so much. She tells me how much she's missed me and shows me her new paintings. She asks me to come see them, but Justin interrupts.

"Baby, I think Zayn wants to go home. Maybe another time," Justin says, reaching for her.

"No, Zayn, don't you want to be with me and Daddy? I missed you," she says with big, hopeful eyes.

She has no idea how much I want to be here.

"Zayn, it's okay. If you want to go, you can. We'll be fine. I'm sorry again for everything," Justin says.

"Fuck it," I exclaim.

"First of all, don't swear. Second, fuck what?" Justin asks, a smile forming on his face.

"This whole thing. Me being afraid—screw it. I'm ready, Justin. I am. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm ready. I know I've been an idiot, but standing here with both of you makes me realize how much I want to be here. I don't want to leave. Fuck, Justin, I want you. I want this. I want us," I say, surprised by the intensity of my own words.

_________________________

The following months feel like a dream. I officially asked Justin to be my boyfriend—well, he used that term. I asked if he wanted to be mine. The word "boyfriend" still feels a bit strange, but I get butterflies every time he calls me that.

I haven't come out. I don't know what I am, and I don't care. I just want Justin, regardless of what people think about a soccer captain being in a relationship with a guy.

Other schools have yelled slurs at me during games, trying to get to me. It makes me sad because I wish it wasn't a big deal. But I don't show it. When an opposing team's captain called me the F-word, Kendall punched him in the face. It was a proud moment.

At school, we don't let people's opinions affect us. We don't kiss or hug in public yet, but I'm getting more comfortable. Justin is patient. We hold hands sometimes, and it's nice.

We've had a lot of sex—it's unlike anything I've ever experienced. Not with Perrie, not with anyone.

I've apologized to Perrie. We're not exactly friends, but we can hang out in groups, which is a relief given how I treated her.

I've basically moved into Justin's house, though not officially. I'm there more than at my own place.

Justin and Noelle have met my parents and sisters. They're all okay with it. It took some time for my dad due to his religious beliefs, but now he loves Justin. They bond over nerdy interests, talking about them so much that it bores everyone else. I'm relieved I don't have to try to understand Justin's rants about the Riemann Hypothesis—I still don't know what it is.

My mom and sisters adore Noelle. They babysit her often, giving Justin and me time alone. It's nice. It really feels like a dream. I love Justin, but I haven't told him yet. Noelle and I have grown even closer. I've told her I love her, and Justin pretends to be jealous, but I think he knows I love him too.

I've started picking up Noelle from kindergarten. She introduces me as her dada, and my heart melts every time I hear it.

I'm happy.