Nasaza

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I left the classroom at recess, my mind still puzzling over my conversation with Visakha. Her words had struck a nerve, and I couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt for what I had been doing to Aadesh.

But despite all that, I still couldn't shake the feeling of resentment that I felt toward him.

The reason why was so deeply ingrained into my mind that it was virtually impossible to explain. No matter how much I logically knew that my resentment toward Aadesh didn't make any sense, it was still there, gnawing at me from the inside.

I am going insane.

I couldn't stop myself from feeling that way. The resentment felt like an unstoppable force, and every time I tried to reason with it, it would always find a way to overpower my common sense.

I wanted some sort of justification for it, some way to understand my feelings, but there was none. The resentment was completely irrational, and it was driving me insane.

I stared at the ground as I walked, kicking a stone carelessly with every step. I didn't care where it went, not caring much about anything at that moment. My mind was filled with nothing but confusion and rage. I felt like I was on the verge of exploding.

The sounds of the schoolyard were a distant blur to me as I entered the grounds. I didn't pay much attention to my surroundings, but I could hear the various noises of the students all around me. The voices of laughter, chatter, etc. all merged into one muddled mass in my head, drowning out any thoughts I might have had about it.

As I sat down on one of the stone slabs in the schoolyard, my mind was still reeling with anger and confusion. I wanted to be alone, away from the noisy chatter of the other students, but at the same time I wanted someone to make sense of the tangled mess that was my brain.

Sitting on the stone slab felt oddly comforting, like a way to distance myself from the world. The stone slabs weren't a common seat; people usually sat on the bleachers, but the idea of going over there made my heart ache. It was their favorite place, and it was too painful for me to go there right now.

Girls in duos and trios wandered around, chatting and gossiping. Guys played cricket and catch. Kids kicked around footballs. Friend groups rolled around laughing and eating and having fun with each other.

It was odd to see how effortlessly the other kids were enjoying themselves, laughing and eating and having fun, while I sat there alone, lost in my own thoughts, unable to participate in their joy.

I couldn't enjoy this moment because of a very simple and clear reason - I had no one to enjoy it with. Sometimes, like now, it hurt to see others happily socializing with each other while I sat there alone, feeling abandoned and out of place.

I felt happy watching the others enjoy themselves, but there was a part of me that couldn't help but envy them.

Was anyone happy for me? I had no one to share my moments of joy with. I was alone, isolated, and it felt like I had no place in the world.

My own loneliness was starting to become a pattern, and I didn't want it to keep happening. I wanted someone to share my moments of happiness and sadness with, not to be isolated.

Sure, this had happened before, and that's why I didn't want to let it happen again.

After Aditi, I felt like I lost my people.

It was strange, having such a close-knit group of friends who I felt I could share everything with one year, then suddenly, it was all taken away from me.

I had my people for a year, but after Aditi, it all ended.

And god, Aditi.

The mention of her name triggered my emotions once again, making my heart ache and my throat tighten with grief.