Nasaza

XVII

𝕊𝕒𝕟𝕤𝕜𝕣𝕚𝕥𝕚

The shadows dance prettier on the walls than the mind.

I was seated on my bed, staring at the wall. My thoughts were still scattered. I couldn't process what had happened today. It felt like I was in a dream.

No, not a dream. A nightmare.

That one crazy scenario you'd made when you were staring at your ceiling at 3AM? What if that comes true?

It will not be a pretty sight, right?

I still kept staring blankly at the wall. Blinking once in a while.

A nightmare.

My thoughts were still running rapidly. Was it all real? Had I actually threatened to slit his neck? It was crazy. But it was true.

I had the knife in my hand. My thoughts were still vivid. The blood rushing through my veins and the madness inside were still fresh.

What am I doing with my life? Who am I?

It felt like my body and soul were two different entities at war with each other. I didn't know if it was possible to hate myself more, but I did.

I'm insane. I could think one thing and do another. I was out of control.

I'm dangerous. Every second without my rage was ticking down the clock towards madness again. I felt as though I had a time bomb inside me, and I was afraid that it would explode at any moment.

I am crazy. I am unstable. I am a monster.

I am the perfect representation of insanity.

I buried my face into my arms and clenched my hair.

I couldn't believe what I had done.

I couldn't believe how close I was to killing him.

How could I have so little control over my own self?

I don't think it was about the hit. Just the hit triggered it, but there was so much more.

I closed my eyes and tried to regulate my breathing.

I hated myself. I hated what I had become. I hated everything.

I still hate him, don't I?

The anger began creeping back into me despite all the self loathing. I felt my whole body shaking again. I felt cold despite the heat that surrounded me.

I gripped my pillow tightly and squeezed it towards me. My fingers gripped the material. I was starting to hate him again, and the hatred was as strong as the last time.

Hate, such a powerful emotion. Once it crept in, it spread all through your body your mind your heart your soul like cancer.

I was aware of it spreading through me.

Hate was taking over every part of me. It was consuming all my thoughts and feelings, and the more it took over me, the more I let it.

I wasn't doing anything to stop it. I just let it seep in me like poison.

Because if I don't, there will be worse consequences.

𝔸𝕒𝕕𝕖𝕤𝕙

Tick...tick...tick...

Tick.

Every 'tick' sounded like a kilometer.