Nasaza

XXXIX

Feelings are like clouds passing over the sun. That's how I feel, at least. I feel happy, but suddenly I get a 'sadness attack' of sorts.

I don't know what to make of it. One minute, everything seems normal, and the next, I'm plagued by this weird hollowness. Like something's missing, something's wrong. Even when I know everything's alright in my life, I can't help feeling this way. Sometimes it makes no sense. One moment I'm laughing till my stomach hurts, the next moment I feel weighed down by an invisible burden.

It's strange, how fast I can go from laughing and joking about something, to suddenly feeling overwhelmingly sad. Maybe it's just hormones, I don't know anymore.

There are times when I hide it, when I fake a smile and pretend everything's fine. Because really, I don't even understand these feelings myself. It's like there's this disconnect between my mind and my heart, and they're both struggling with completely different things. Sometimes I even feel guilty...for feeling the way I do, despite having a good life.

Perhaps it's just a phase. Maybe it'll pass soon, this strange turbulence of emotions. I hope it does. Because these ups and downs are driving me crazy. And they're making it increasingly difficult to trust my own mind.

I can never trust my own mind.

It feels like my thoughts are a tangled mess, forever changing. Sometimes I'm hopeful, other times I'm doubtful. My mind flip-flops between optimism and pessimism, certainty and uncertainty, so often that I can't keep up. How can I trust a mind that can't even be consistent, that keeps me on such an emotional rollercoaster?

I'm too violent sometimes. Sometimes not at all when I should be.

It's like I can't find the right balance. I either react too strongly, or don't react at all. I'm either aggressive, or incredibly passive. I'm either fiery, or cold. The extremes are exhausting, and I wish I could find a middle ground, but it feels like I'm constantly swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other.

A goddamned monkey.

That's often how I feel. Like I'm acting on pure instinct, on raw emotion. Like a wild animal who can't control its own actions. I can be so explosive, so impulsive, so irrational sometimes. It's like I can't help it, like I'm not in control of myself.

I once almost choked Komal out of anger.

Luckily, Akshit came there before much damage happened. He didn't do anything, but him being there reminded me of reality, I think.

Looking back, I'm ashamed of myself. I couldn't control my anger, I let my emotions get the best of me. It was as if a switch flipped, and all my reason went out the window. I was blinded by anger, only seeing red in that moment.

I had made Shreya a heart themed paper ring for her birthday. It took me quite a time to perfect. But when she appreciated me, Komal jokingly tore it up saying that Shreya is only her best friend.

And the rest is history.

The memory still makes me angry. I worked hard on that ring, trying to make it perfect for Shreya, and Komal just tore it up without a second thought. It was so disrespectful, so dismissive of my effort, and it made me snap. It felt like she was disrespecting not just my creation, but me.

I don't know if I overreacted, or if Komal was just trying to be funny. But at that moment, it didn't matter. My anger flared, and I couldn't control my reaction. I acted impulsively, violently, without thinking about the consequences.