Nasaza

XXV

𝔸𝕒𝕕𝕖𝕤𝕙

Both the sides of my pillow were warm.

For the first time in my life, I felt like I deserved it.

The sound was like the pitter-patter of a thousand hands tapping all across the roof. But the rain wasn't going to soothe the fire that was burning in my chest. No, it wouldn't, not after everything that I'd said to her. I didn't know what was going on inside my mind, why my own thoughts were starting to feel like shards of glass in my heart.

I stared up at the ceiling as the rain kept pouring heavily outside. Maybe that was a sign that the skies wept for her, maybe it was just a random coincidence. I wasn't the person to believe in superstitions after all. But for some reason, my thoughts kept going back to her. Why did I do that? Why did I say all that to her? Her wide eyes and that trembling voice, I could still see the desperation clearly all over her face. I'd never seen her so scared before.

Fuck it, I had never seen her scared at all.

I've seen that girl defy teachers, fight with seniors, throw a shoe at some guy's face, throw water at someone, use her intellect and wit to destroy any person who had pissed her off, get into arguments with anyone that had a different opinion to hers...but no matter how fierce she was, I never saw her scared. Not until today.

Not broken.

Her eyes said it all. Her eyes were pleading to stop, her breathing was unstable, her voice quivered like a candle in the wind, every cell in her body was begging me to stop. But why didn't I? What kind of cruelness made me look into her eyes without a shred of guilt or mercy, even as she was falling apart right in front of me?

I felt a wave of self-hate wash over me, my chest felt tight and my breath was shallow. I could feel the shame deep inside my soul. I wanted to throw up from my own guilt but I couldn't even move. All I could do was lay there, listening to the pouring rain, and thinking only of her.

The image of her, standing there so helplessly, trying to fight back my words but not being able to even speak clearly or think rationally, it was all etched into my memory. The way her trembling voice quivered as she tried to say something, the way she looked like she was about to break into pieces...

I did that to her.

I did that to her.

I did that to her.

A part of me couldn't bear to see her face again, yet another part of me couldn't help but wish to wipe away her tears and hold her in my arms. The feeling of self-hatred and the need to comfort her was eating me inside-out and I didn't know what to do. All I could do was lay there and listen to the pitter-patter of the raindrops hitting the roof.

I didn't even know if the fuckery I said was true or not.

Was it just my rage and jealousy that led to those words slipping out of my mouth, or did they actually hold some truths that she herself was well-aware of yet was still in denial over? I thought I was just speaking from my own mind; I thought those words were my opinions and only reflected my own thoughts, but as I lay there and listened to the rain, my brain was starting to think that maybe the things I said were true.

A part of me was still hoping that those words weren't true, yet another part of me kept whispering that everything I said was a fact. Her reaction to my words did seem kind of like she was guilty of the things I said. She just froze in place, no words to defend herself whatsoever. I couldn't make sense of her; I couldn't understand what was going through her head at that moment.